I wish they could understand

I just got off the phone with my mom and I'm in tears. I'm feeling bloated and weak and tired, possibly due to my oral prednisone treatment. I'm scared and sad. She just kept telling me that I should distract myself and not think about my hair. I told her it's hard not to think about it every day when I look into the mirror. It's hard not to think about it when I run my fingers through the hair I have left and feel the bald spots. I told her that I'm thinking it's very probable that I will eventually lose all my hair. She said I shouldn't think like that and that I should think positively. Honestly, I don't really want to get my hopes up for fear of having them crushed. I want to start accepting that it's a real possibility and that it may be something I'll have to deal with.

My boyfriend and I are on a "break." I hate him for needing his space to figure out his own life right now. I know it's selfish, but I wish he were more supportive during this tough time for me. I have been with him a year, helping him get through his chronic kidney disease. Worrying about him really took its toll on me, but I was by his side through and through. Now that I need him for support, he can't be here for me. His health has improved so much that he's no longer on the transplant list. I'm happy for him, and I just wish he could support me the way I did for him. It hurts so bad. I would think that of all people, he would understand the most how painful of a time this is and how much it would help to have a loved one around.

I feel like I can't cry to my mom because she doesn't really want to acknowledge how bad I feel. She keeps saying "it could be worse." That just makes me feel worse for feeling this way in the first place. Am I supposed to just brush it off because I'm not dying? It's still an autoimmune disease. It's still a piece of my physical self that I'm losing. Can't I mourn a little bit? Can't I be mad at the world for now? I have done everything right my whole entire life. I have never smoked. I never done drugs. I have eaten healthy and exercised. I just wish they could understand that I feel betrayed by the world for this to happen to me. It's so unfair. I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve this.

This blog wasn't meant to be a sob story or to get people to pity me. It's just that I feel like I have no where else to turn to without feeling bad for even mentioning it. I feel so alone, and the only thing that makes me feel a little better is reading everyone else's posts here. We're strangers to each other, yet we share a bond that only we can truly understand and sympathize with. I pray for God to give me strength. I think I'm just going to go to bed now, and hope for a better day.

Views: 15

Comment

You need to be a member of Alopecia World to add comments!

Join Alopecia World

Comment by Heather L on August 19, 2010 at 10:41pm
Julie,

Reading your post just now my eyes filled with tears - both b/c I am sorry for what a tough time you are
having right now and also b/c I can relate so much to how you feel.

I've had AA for quite some time and I find that there are times that I can deal with it pretty well - and other
times that I feel collapsed by the weight of it all.

Keep in mind that prednisone can cause mood/ emotional swings so that could be adding to how you are
feeling right now.

I'm imagine your mother means well - and just simply doesn't know what to say. I really do think for
anyone to understand AA -- they would have to walk in our shoes! Have you thought about talking to
someone else -- a close friend, therapist, or finding a local support group? I have been going to
acupuncture for several months now - unfortunately I don't see it helping with my hair BUT it does wonders
for my anxiety. Sort of feel more centered afterwards. Is that something you might want to try?

Sorry about your boyfriend -- that certainly is unfair! Shame on him. OMG- that's a bad hurt when someone
you love turns out not to be what you thought or needed! Sounds like he has had a tough year - perhaps he
will come around and wake up.... if not I guess when that happens we just have to trust "man's rejection is
God's protection" and move on.

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way! Hope tomorrow is a better day too!
Heather
Comment by sunstar7 on August 19, 2010 at 10:25pm
Hugs, Julie! I feel your pain! You DO have a right to mourn!! I know a few people that respond the same way;no sympathy whatsoever!! But the thing is, we all process things differently.. Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do! I'm going through the same thing, and i'm trying to take it one day at a time.... I hope you are able to find that outlet/support that you need.. Praying with you!! :) :(
Comment by Bald and Fabulous AKA Terri on August 19, 2010 at 10:19pm
big hugs to you, Julie. I have too felt the same way. You are not alone in your feelings. I have many times felt bad for feeling bad about having alopecia....."why me" and knowing that is not the worse that could ever happen to a person. I have found alot of comfort in this site in the short time I have been here. Keep brave.

Disclaimer

Any mention of products and services on Alopecia World is for informational purposes only; it does not imply a recommendation or endorsement by Alopecia World. Nor should any statement or representation on this site be construed as professional, medical or expert advice, or as pre-screened or endorsed by Alopecia World. Alopecia World is not responsible or liable for any of the views, opinions or conduct, online or offline, of any user or member of Alopecia World.

© 2025   Created by Alopecia World.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service