Alopecia

I am 22 yo female, I am losing my identity as each day passes. This horrible condition Alopecia is an Auto Immune Disease that can be caused by stress and worrying or a significant event which has occurred.
At this current point of time I am not coping at all, I struggle with the day to day habits of making my hair look beautiful. Each day I worry that I will wake up from this nightmare with no hair. I feel ugly every morning I look in the mirror. I break down at times when I wash my hair, I see the hair I am losing going down the drain, I am angry with myself because I do get so upset but I don’t know how to deal with it any other way. I cry in the morning, during the day and at night. This never ending pain is killing the real person I am.
I used to be fun, outgoing, and the life of the party. I had a no fear attitude but instead I hide away, scared to expose myself to the world. I wear beanies and hats frighten of showing the world my balding scalp. This is not the person I want to become. I am afraid. I have many emotions on my mind at the current moment, they begin from
• Scared
• Worried
• Sad
• Alone
• Fear
• Vanishing
• Ugly
• Lost
I ask myself why me? What have I done to deserve this ugly disease? I wish to be beautiful and in today’s society body image is a big deal.
It is harder to explain to people the condition I have, it’s not like I am dying. I feel sometimes I am dying on the inside; the person I used to be is fading away. I am lost to this condition and feel like a balding girl of the age of 22 doesn’t belong in this world. I lost it all would people treat me differently? Would I get funny looks down the street? It’s hard because there is not much public awareness to this disease. Alopecia????? People question. I have had somebody ask me if it was a skin condition, geez I wish.
I have been dealing with this since the age of 10, little spots at first always been able to hide and use cream. But then at the age of 16 it got a little bit more serious. I sometimes think back to that time in my life and wonder what went wrong…… I defiantly know what went wrong. My friends did not say anything on my 16th birthday. Year 10 was a tough year for me struggling to fit in with friendship groups. It was a difficult time of my life.
My hair slowly got better, but then at the age of 18 it came back. Why I ask again? Maybe it was year 12 and the stress of trying to decide lives biggest questions.
But since the age of 21 to being nearly 23 in a month, I don’t know what to put it too. I have struggled over the years trying to fit in and making other people happy. Putting more stress on my life, wondering what I’m I doing with my life. And over the past 4 months I’ve seen my hair fade away. I sometimes wonder if things could have been different. This year I also found out my so called best friends are planning an overseas trip, where was my invite? That hurt me the most. I try to be the best friend I can be but I don’t seem to be getting that in return. Do I need that in my life? NO.
I cry feeling alone and lost and in pain.
I wish that my hair would grow, is that so much to ask? I want to be normal
I want to be beautiful. Cause at the moment I am ugly. I know people try to make me feel better by saying I am not ugly but that doesn’t help at all sadly.