Comment by Candace on November 5, 2013 at 10:43am

Good question! My daughter is in the same boat!

Comment by Confession of an alopecian on November 7, 2013 at 3:50am

I've had alopecia for 15 years, and in my recent experience 'it's only a problem if you make it one'. Don't get me wrong, it's still the most nerve wracking thing ever - but if they like you it really won't matter. The key is pretending to be confident about it and then you will be.

Comment by Nadia Lionetti on November 7, 2013 at 3:55am

Hi, 

Im 25 years old I have been suffering with alopecia for 10 years. I have had a boyfriend for the past year. When we met we exchanged numbers and almost instantly I text him saying I have alopecia, I wear a wig ( I also had cancer then so i was having radiotherapy) i had to tell him straight away to get that fear out of the way... he was fine with it and barely cared i wore a wig just felt sorry for me. Anyway iv to accept my alopecia and i know have the attitude that if any man has a problem with it its their loss! trust me this took years for me to have this attitude. but if a man cant accept you for who you are then they are not worthy of u or your time. there are plenty of men and women who are sooooo supportive of their partners with alopecia but you wont know until you start to date! best wishes nadia xxxx

Comment by Linda on November 7, 2013 at 4:03am

I met my partner after I had lost all my hair. Like you I was very scared about telling him, didn't know what he's reaction would be like. When I told him he was surprised as he didn't pick my hair was a wig. He wanted me show him but I wasn't comfortable at showing him at such an early stage of our relationship. It took me a few months to get up the courage and he was great about it. He loves the fact that I am bald as he doesn't get hair in his face lol. He has been very accepting of it and loves me for me, not for what I look like. We have been together 3 years and are planning to get married next year. Don't be afraid to show the real you. If someone liked you enough that accept you whatever way you come. If they don't hang around then they weren't worth your time or effort. There are genuine people out there who aren't superficial and who will love you for you.

Comment by sally on November 7, 2013 at 4:18am

It surprises me every day that my husband thinks I'm beautiful. He's supportive and really doesn't care that I wear a wig. He's known about the condition for a long time as a family member also suffers. When we met 10 years ago I was losing my hair and was scared to tell him, he showed me it's what's on the inside that matters and if anyone needs reassuring I hope this comment helps.

Comment by Scott King on November 7, 2013 at 4:19am

Hi Anne,

I can give you a little something from the other side of the fence.  My girlfriend told me on the day we met (almost 8 years ago).  I'm certainly in the "men who don't mind"  group, so it didn't bother me one bit.  Much like Linda, above, it took her months to go "nude" in front of me but I appreciated her being upfront with me right at the start.  Honestly I think she told me in case something we got carried away fooling around :-D

I guess everyone is different and you'll gauge who to tell and who not to.  The old adage does ring true though - Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

Comment by Sheena Tha Cody on November 7, 2013 at 5:13am

I went bald while I was starting to date my bestfriend. We are still together but have had some ups and downs not because I don't have hair though. Being bald has never been an issue. I never wear a wig. There itchy and hot and I can't stand them. Even with a boyfriend and no hair I have guys hit on me pretty often. I almost forget I don't have hair sometimes but it is weird to me that some of my friends haven't ever seen me with hair though. When they see a picture of me with hair they are always a little shocked because of how long and thick my hair was just 3 years ago, when It first started to really fall out and I have been completely bald for 2 years now. Im a cosmetologist and I educate people all day long about alopecia because I am so open about why I am bald to my clients. Because I am comfortable bald they are comfortable with it. I make jokes about it often and other people feel comfortable talking to me about there insecurities about there own hair.

Comment by Jenny Wren on November 7, 2013 at 5:46am

Can totally understand the feeling expressed by Anne. I was happily married for over 20yrs until my husband did an 'unexpected' disappearing act after being 'caught out' in the woods by a neighbour - The stress, I'm sure, was a key factor for my hair to disappear as well!! Did not feel like entering into a new relationship largely because of my total hairloss, which caused lack of self-esteem & confidence (wasn't a problem previously) . . . . .This happened over 10yrs ago. I wasn't looking, but I HAVE since met someone & have been seeing him for 5yrs now. We became best friends & my wearing a "hat" became more of an issue with me, than when I finally told him, as I thought it would scare him away. It took me a long while to trust him & to understand that he SAW me as me!! He has a terrific sense of humour and very affectionly greets me in a morning by caressing my head & saying "morning curly". There is no edge to it - feel TOTALLY at ease with him. So there are men out there who can except - if they do not, THEY are not worth it!! Good luck.

Comment by Suz on November 7, 2013 at 6:11am

Hi Anne,

I find it super coincidental that you posted about this topic today, just because I was speaking to one of my coworkers this morning and he mentioned how sad it was for me to have no hair, and that it was a legitimate concern for me to be worried for finding a husband. Even though he meant it in a sympathetic way, it immediately triggered memories of my fears of getting close to guys (in a romantic way) because i always feel that i'm hiding something from them and that i need to be truthful and let them know prior to getting into a relationship so that they know wut their in for. I really dont' want to deceive them, sort of as if 'what they see is not what they get.' 

I've only recently developed alopecia this past year, and so it's been a super hard transition for me. I prayed and prayed and didn't understand why this was happening to me. I felt like my life was over and that no one would ever want me, friends or guys. Surprisingly though, my gfs were all so supportive, and the guys that watched me go through the painful progression of alopecia didn't change what they thought of me - in fact they cared for me even more than before, and i felt so blessed.

I remember asking one of my guy friends what he would do if he realised his gf was bald, and at that time he screwed up his face and said, "i guess it would be ok...if she wore her wig all the time" Ironically he was a doctor himself, and i was thankful that he was honest and truthful with me, because that was what i needed. He watched me as a transitioned from my own hair to a wig, and he was one of the few I found comforting to open up to and take advice from, mainly because he was so honest in his opinions and i knew the things he said were his honest opinions.

It's been half a year since, and now i've noticed that not only has his care for me deepened and got stronger, but we've been ever as close, to the point of having the possibility of a forming a relationship different from the one we had before. What i guess what i'm trying to say is, whether the guys u ask like to bs and say they care or don't care, in the end even the ones that say they do care, don't' in the end, becuase people are people, and we mean so much more than just the hair on our head and what we wear and what we eat. It's hard to truly believe this, especially as females, but this is the reality of it and as females we have to accept this before we can get others to genuinely start loving us for who we are as well.

I have to remind myself many times as well, i work as a bartender on the weekends, and everytime guys flirt, i secretly think, if only they knew how i really look like... and then i stop myself. I think, no this is wrong, this IS who i am! Everything i say, the things I do. As long as their genuine then it's enough!

I asked another one of my guy friends today for his honest opinion, hes also one that watched my transition all the way through, and regularly sees my bald head without a wig. When i first met him, i still rmb that he was ranting about how he was superficial and he could never want to talk to an ugly girl. But it's been a year into our friendship, and he actually said to me recently, "don't wear the wig in public, i'm used it already." Even though i know he knew i wouldn't actually go in public without my wig, i was so happy and touched to hear that he accepted me for who i truly am now - the me without hair.

All guys are superficial, yes, and they admit to it. But when they actually get to know you, they start forming a bond that is past looks. everyone is worth so much more than just their appearances and a little hair shoudln't change anything about you or the way they look at you. In a way i find this as an ultimate test, we all age eventually, and rather than having our men leave us when we grow old and wrinkly, they can make the choice now. The rotten ones will leave, but the good will stay. 

These are the thoughts that ran through my head all day today, i hope you really believe me and internalise it that we are more than just appearances, we are so much more! 

Comment by Lotta on November 7, 2013 at 7:20am

Hi,

I know this is a "problem" for most women with alopecia. Anyhow I think it all ends up in yourself, how confident you are with your baldness yourself. I am quite confident the way I look without a wig. Often I do think I look better without the wig than with it. So I would say if He doesn't like me the way I am he's not worth me!

Even though saying this I know it is not that easy when you stand there on a date. There is always the question when you are supposed to tell. But that also comes for all new people you meet. When in your friend relationship should you tell about wearing a wig? For me it is always a question of when, never of if. But I have come to the point where the alopecia doesn't bother me much. It is a part of me, like freckles or anything like that. So my alopecia doesn't disturb my life it rather is one of the parts making me the person I am. I really do hope that all of you that have a bad self confidence due to alopecia realises how beautiful you really are without hair!  Because when you love yourself just the way you are, it is so much easier with all other relationships and personal meetings.

Happiness and beauty comes from the inside.

Good luck!

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