Well, I am not sure what it is I have. From the pictures I've seen, its not alopecia areata - that seems more like quarter size circles, or areas, where the hair falls out completely. My hair looks more like female pattern baldness. I've lost the hair gradually over the last 6 or so years, mostly on the top and crown and now on the right side too. Fron the side, you can pretty much see the outline of my scalp, and I'm doing the comb-over thing from the left side over the top of my head, which I hate.

It's felt devastating at times. It restricts me in a lot of ways - I can't get my head wet or I look completely bald on the top; I can't get too hot and sweat because the same thing happens (try not sweating in FLORIDA!!); and I'm just uncomfortable in general about it. It's really affected my self-esteem. I feel like people are looking at it all the time. And emotions waver a lot. Sometimes I think I shouldn't care about it and be so vain about it, its only hair for god's sake, and it has nothing to do with my character and my being - you know, the whole "beautiful on the inside" thing. Other times, I feel sorry for myself and then get angry at myself for feeling sorry for myself, because there are people who are much worse off with physical disabilites. Its just a lot of emotions, a roller coaster all the time. Sometimes I'll be watching TV and a shampoo commercial comes on - some gorgeous woman throwing around her amazing long thick hair, and I just start to cry, or else I get really pissed off and in an instant bad mood. I feel like I'm an adult, for gods sake I'm 37, I should just be able to deal with it!!

So, I bought a wig last Saturday. I've seen this wig shop and had been thinking about checking it out for over a year. It is synthetic, and very close to my own natural brown, with some pretty highlights. Its a chin-length straight bob style, lower in the front and a bit higher in the back. I really like it on me, and I wore it Saturday and Sunday while we were out shopping and to dinner. And I had fun buying hair accessories and clips - I haven't used those in years. Just feeling the sensation of hair flying in my face from the wind was crazy - hadn't felt that in 10 years. However, I am a warm-blooded person to begin with, and wearing it was got little uncomfortable. Especially Saturday, I had a wig net on under it and as we were shopping and walking to the car and back (I'm in Florida - ick) I felt like the wig was looser and moving around on my head. When I got home and took it off, I found the net had migrated from my hairline to almost the back of my head. My head was sweaty, and it seems to me that it might be rubbing off some more of the hair on the top of my head, it seems a little more sparse. So Sunday I did not wear the net, and it felt more secure. My own hair is longer than the wig in the back, and I need to get it cut so I can wear the wig easier - but I want a cut that will look ok if I opt to not wear it.

The thing is, I have not been able to bring myself to wear it to work yet. I work in a relatively laid back office, we have about 110 employees and everyone pretty much knows everyone else. Sunday night I literally couldn't sleep, I was so worried about whether to wear it or not - my chest was pounding. So I chickened out and did not wear it on Monday (yesterday). But I did talk to 2 close friends that are on my team about it. I've talked to them before about how I feel about my hair. I asked them what they thought would happen if I just showed up the next day with hair. They both basically told me to do what makes me comfortable and feel good, and one of them shared some things with me about a friend of hers that has alopecia and has a bunch of wigs and can choose however she feels like looking - she loves it. Anyway, I went in to work today not wearing it again (I'm telling myself I'll wait until I get my hair cut to wear it so it will be easier, or I'll wait until Friday which is a casual day - basically making excuses to myself). I got to my desk and on my keyboard tray was a card. My 2 friends that I talked to had gone to our boss (who is also a SUPER-amazing woman and we are all very good friends) and I guess they talked to her about it, and the three of them signed this card. It's a Mary Englebright card and on the front it says something like "Sometimes you have to go out on a limb, to get where the fruit is." They each wrote a really nice supportive comment. I almost started to cry. Later on that afternoon, my boss came to discuss some work items, and then I thanked her for the card. She gave me a really nice hug, and told me that she thinks I am an amazing, beautiful person and that if this makes me happy and more comfortable with myself, that will only allow me to shine more and maybe even be more self-confident. She said that a friend of hers had alopecia as well and she'd come over with her wigs and they'd have a wig styling party - she said I could do that and we'd have some sangria and some fun! She hugged me again and it was so amazing to me that she was so open about it.

So I come away from that going HELL yeah, bring it on, I'll show the world!! And then tonight, sitting here trying to figure out if tomorrow is the day, I get all unsure and worried about what people will think and say. I don't know why I care so much. I know a lot, if not most, of people there will be very supportive and I don't think anyone would be disparaging (to my face, anyways). I dont think anyone would ask me WHY I'm wearing it or ask me if I'm sick or anything. I think part of it for me is that wearing a wig is admitting that I don't like something about myself. Admitting publicly that I am trying to fix something that maybe I'm too vain about. Its confirmation that I really DO have this condition, whatever it is, and I can't just pretend I don't have it because I'm not looking in the mirror right then. But, I'm tired of carefully hairspraying every single little hair in place to keep as much of the baldness covered as possible, and I'm tired of rubbing the hair on the top of my head with a bit of cornstarch to make it seem a little bit fuller. I would think it's obvious to everyone that I'm losing my hair. Maybe I just don't want to admit it to myself.

*sighs* It's just so hard. Why it is so hard? It's just stupid hair, you know?