Just when I thought I was making great progress (can we say, 75% growth on my head!!), I have been reminded once again of just how unpredictable AA really is -- and it gets more devastating each time. Yesterday, my beloved asked me what I was doing to my eyebrows. I went and looked in the mirror, only to see that my eyebrows are falling out again! Even as I type this, I feel my eyes getting irritated around my lash line (a sure signal that I'm about to lose them again too), and this time the loss of my lashes (and my ability to use mascara, which I love!) is almost too much to bear. And I know that Todd is being helpful in his own way, but when he told me that we can just go and get something to draw my eyebrows in, he sounded so much like my mother I just wanted to smack him! I tried to tell him that just offering a solution like that was not what I wanted to hear from him, but I don't think he understands that.

Sometimes, I don't want to hear how we can "fix" hair loss or "cover it up" -- I've been hearing that my entire life and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of it. Sometimes, all I want to hear is "I'm sorry." Sometimes, all I want is for someone to hold my hand and hold me close and tell me everything is going to be alright -- and I shouldn't have to spell this out for someone to read so they can understand what is going on.

I KNOW that Todd doesn't have alopecia, and therefore will NEVER understand what it is I go through on a daily basis. I know what it is he goes through everyday, though; I've seen it my entire life with my entire family. I have made every effort to include him in my alopecian life; I thought we made some progress when he read my story in Julia's book and he encountered the alopecian detainee on his job. I thought I was doing a good job of compromising and helping him to adjust by wearing my scarves a little more often, and actively shopping for the first wig I've worn in over 3 years. I even wrote him a poem to relate how I feel right now, which I have posted below:

My smile, my laugh, my quick comebacks -- they are all a brave front, hiding the pain and loneliness that I feel inside. ﾂ Even though I stay strong because that's what's expected of me, and I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone, I don't want to be that way anymore.... ﾂ But beneath it all, I'm just me -- a person with vulnerabilities, feelings, and expectations. ﾂ I don't always want an answer to a problem, nor do I expect things to change overnight. ﾂ But what I do want -- what I need -- is for you to hold my hand, even in the darkest of times. ﾂ When I cry, I want you to wipe my tears away and hold me close when my sobs bring me to my knees. ﾂ Most of all, I want you to tell me I am beautiful even when I don't see how beautiful I am with my own eyes. ﾂ I want you to love me as I am -- with no reservations or purpose of evasion. ﾂ Allow me to draw strength from your strength -- and build my own courage from your deep reserves. ﾂ Our darkest days are ahead of us, yet as long as we continue to lean on GOD and each other, we will both find strength and courage in dark times...

GOD knows my heart, and He knows I love this man more than life itself -- but for the life of me, I don't know how to help him deal with this. I vowed when we reunited that I wouldn't let AA become a major issue in our relationship, yet here we are -- with AA becoming a major issue. Maybe it's the lack of sleep (because I didn't sleep at all last night) that has me so emotional too --but I don't know what to do anymore or how to help him...

What do I do???