So miserable!

Hi guys, I have been trying to focus on school rather than on my hair seeing as finals are right around the corner...I am absolutely miserable about my hair, I think I have been in a state of denial for quite some time now...I am not sure I can find my way with this...I fly off the handle to friends and family without even wanting to and feel bad afterwards..I know there is nothing in this world they can do to help me, but I dont even know what I wanna hear anymore, I mean words that will even comfort me..At this point I am not sure anything will make me feel better unless my hair grows back and I can go back to my normal life where I was happy..I can't sleep at night nor can I concentrate during the day..My hair is consuming my whole daily life, morning, noon, and night. My brain is fluttered with thoughts of my hair..It is the most horrible thing I have ever been through in my life..I use to be a vibrant, goal oriented, and confident person, and have lost all of that due to AA..I know coping and dealing with this is a process and takes time, as do other things in life, but this is by far hard to cope with for me..Ever since I found my first patch I have been trying to do my best to cope..I cried alot at first and the crying came to a sudden halt where I thought I was going into the acceptance phase after I seen some regrowth, but than bam my hair is still falling out in the same three patches just getting bigger and bigger..I feel like my body is trying to escape itself if that sounds right, almost like I am fighting within myself to calm down and look at the better things in life, and how this should not consume my life, but than I have that part that says in order for me to try and cope I need to understand how this happen and how I can fix it..Although, that is merely impossible those are my thoughts..I also feel like I need to gain my confindence back that I use to have when I had hair in order to move forward, but my personality is so obsessive that I think this is gonna take a while to come to grips with, and personally it scares me...My family is always telling me its just hair it will get better...I hate when they say this to me, I know they are trying to help, but it does absolutely nothing to help for me..The other day my sister was telling my mother, "I hate the color of my hair I wish I can get it back to my original color", really!! Im thinking at least you have hair, and said it out loud and it caused a fight, but seriously watch what you say around people..I have to say this though, I would have been the same way if this had never happen to me, so I almost cant blame her or people because if you have never experienced something that was traumatizing in one particular situation there is noway you can actually understand what someone is going through without going through the same exact thing yourself.. I lost my Nan last year and have never lost someone that I truly care about, and miss her everyday that passes by, and wishes she was still here as she would have been the perfect candidate to make me feel so much better..Being a nursing student and my Nan being sick made me feel so helpless being unable to help while knowing exactly what was going on the whole time, and truly being able to help, but not liability wise, how sickening..May my precious Nan that is now an angel rest in peace..I am sorry I am venting and everything is coming out, but I know AW is the perfect place to do it because you are all beautiful, understanding people..I appreciate all of you, and thank you..

P.S. I guess I can be the best nurse I can be because I love helping people, and it is so rewarding to be able to ease someones pain, and be there to help at their most critical state and watch them smile as they feel better. Knowing you were part of there recovery is in itself rewarding and an accomplishment for me...But I must say I would probably make the worst patient known to man..Just thought I would put that out there...Lol

Hope you are all well!!! Hugs :)

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Comment by Trish on November 18, 2010 at 6:15pm
Hi Julie, I am so sorry to hear that you have been through so much pain and discomfort..I will also promise to hang in there if you also promise to hang in there most definitely...I am doing my absolutel best to hang in there and hope you are doing the same...Big hugs Julie :)
Comment by Julie Koch on November 18, 2010 at 5:16pm
I couldn't have said it better myself Trish! I feel the exact same way even though I have diffuse and Chronic TE I still can't seem to overcome the loss of hair. I also developed severe seb derm and just recently acne due to all of this. I too want ME back but I don't know when or if that will happen. You seem like a strong person despite your feelings... We all have those feelings and in fact, I just called my dermatologist crying my eyes out in despair and hopelessness. If you promise to hang in there, I will to! Love you darling and stay strong and focused! As for the family fights, I have those as well... It's just hard for others to even BEGIN to comprehend what this does to us. It's like losing our identity until we find peace within ourselves and create a better identity!!!!
Comment by Trish on November 18, 2010 at 4:09pm
Thank you so much Erin, same to you hun!!! :) Hugs
Comment by Trish on November 18, 2010 at 4:06pm
Love it Dom!!!!
Comment by Erin on November 18, 2010 at 4:05pm
Trish, I was in denial for a long time too. I feel obsessed with my hair loss as well and get angry when I watch tv and see shampoo commercials..

What I did when I first realized I had no control over my hairloss, was to find things that I could control. I began working out a lot and running and making my inside healthier. I guess I thought I could treat the inside of my body like it was beautiful even if at the time the baldness made me feel ugly on the outside. I still have not come to grips with the disease. I have lost all my hair and regrown it, and now it is falling out again. I think this is a great forum for people to share stories and advice--I just joined actually because I had the same feelings as you--very angry and frustrated and lonely.

I hope it gets better for you soon.
Comment by Trish on November 18, 2010 at 1:02pm
Dom, everytime you write its like your in my head knowing exactly how I feel...You are absolutely right..
Comment by Trish on November 18, 2010 at 12:31pm
Thank you to all of you for being there and listening to me vent!!! You are all amazing beautiful people...
Comment by soniamarry on November 18, 2010 at 5:11am
Trish,
You are not alone. I too feel as though alopecia consumes me. I get drained from all the researching and the worrying and the wondering and sometimes i just think i should let it take its course. When i first got diagnosed i was frantic about it. I asked myself why and searched for answers that i never got. I have possible causes but no real answers. I live in fear that it will get worse and somehow have hope that it will get better as that's what we all really have is just hope. I think the party is going to do us both a world of good and i am so excited that i can't wait! I think with alop it's just one of those things where we will have some good days/some bad days/ some so -so days. We will just have to take the good with the bad. I often hear people complaining about their hair and think the same, "at least you have hair", but i think this is normal. Most times, people don't know what they have until they lose it. It is only then that we learn to appreciate it. Until friday, big hugs and stay strong!
Comment by Kimberly Duncan on November 17, 2010 at 10:29pm
Trish, I have been wondering how you were, I wish it was getting better for you. Just wanted You to know you being angry, you are not alone. A couple weeks ago I was crying after I brushed my hair, my husband told me to stop brushing my hair to keep so much hair from falling out. Like that is going to stop my hair from falling out. I know he means well just like your family. I know it is hard to focus on school when your mind keeps thinking about your hair. You do not have to accept or like your hair loss but do not let it consume your life. You are doing a great thing becoming a nurse your are a wonderfull and caring person do not allow your hair to take that away. When you think about your Nan think how proud she would be you being a nurse. You, Diana and I strarted this journey around the same time and we will be by your side as long as we have to. Love and hugs :):)
Comment by Trish on November 17, 2010 at 10:12pm
Diana, I love you too..You are an incredible woman that has endured so much pain and got through all of it with extreme strenghth...You are amazing and have helped me in the last two months as well, and you are correct in saying without this I would not have met a beautiful, loving person like yourself..I appreciate you and thank you so much for being there..:) Huge hugs to you

P.S. I need you too!!! xo

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