Alopecia World
Where acceptance is all there is!
The 7 stages of grief
One of my friends on AW posted in his blog the question all of us ask at some point, and even many points, why me?
When I asked myself why me, I recalled years ago reading a book called On Death & Dying. This was a landmark book because of it's detailed analysis of the stages we all go through when experiencing grief. Unfortunately what most of us don't realize is that grief isn't just about death. Here are list of a few experiences that can cause grief:
loss of a job
loss of a home
loss of health
moving to a new place
divorce
I think you see the pattern. The key word here is LOSS. And hey, we have hair LOSS. Whether we know it or not, if we are experiencing anguish over our hair loss (not everyone does), we are probably going through the stages of grief as we come to a point of acceptance or at least balance over our hair loss.
I am including a link to a web site that details the 7 stages and has lots of resources. It's important to remember to allow yourself to go through them. Don't let others rush you through or make you feel you should be "over it" by now. Also, you will bounce back and forth between stages. So be patient with yourself and let yourself experience your grief.
Comment
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Comment by Sarah on January 13, 2012 at 11:52pm
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Thank you Figarosmom for telling your experience with that subject as dark as it truly is. As we were talking about before, it has to be like losing an arm or perhaps an ear... any extremity of the body. Something you're used to having and not really thinking much about that effects your every day whether you know it or not.... then it's taken away, HOW DO YOU FUNCTION? AAAHHH! It's been a HUGE source of depression for me, you can see it in my face, in the condition of my bedroom, car etc. I've focused so much energy on fixing this, it's ridiculous. It's so hard to not feel inadequate... for relationships, (if any... or possiblity for future ones), for jobs, for ANYTHING where others look at you. I have come to accept so many other things in the short time I've been dealing with this... like the other day there was a young man who got on the bus and was missing his arm. I thought to myself, what the heck am I complaining for, this young man is actually missing a limb and has to live the rest of his life that way... but he will overcome it too I hope, or has. I would date someone with a dissability... no questions asked. If someone is kind enough to accept me, I will accept them, even if they don't accept me, I still can accept them for who they are, unless they run over animals purposely with their car. Then they're freaks!! This is a life changer for sure. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. However, sometimes, I wish people could temporarily experience what it's like to deal with this so they can truly see what I go through, what so many in the world go through, physically, emotionally, mentally... etc. Like you Figarosmom, I too saw a therapist, but it didn't really help that I can't afford it, and she could not empathize. People here are my 'therapists' You all are so much help and I appreciate every person on here for sharing bits of their lives to help others. It's truly a wonderful site with wonderful people on here! If only Oprah knew... ha! She'd have us all on her show... well, channel now. Anyway, cheers to us all for making it through yet another day, and even more so to those who thoroughly enjoyed their day with a joyous smile on their face :-) -Sarah K.
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Comment by Figarosmom on January 13, 2012 at 9:26am
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@Sarah I just wanted to let you know that you are definately not the only person on here to have suicidal thoughts over hair loss. For me when I first got diagnosed, I plunged into a major depression and I openly told my family members I was contemplating suicide. My doctors knew, everybody knew. And that plunged them into action, getting me stablized and professional help. This did pull me through and now I am fine again. I have come to see suicidal thoughts more of a sign that your brain chemistry is way out of balance and that you are in need of medicine rather than you actually want to commit suicide. I wonder if many therapists of thought this as well. But anyway... I just wanted to share that. I am sure there are many people on here that think they are alone in that regard. No way.
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Comment by PJ on January 12, 2012 at 10:57pm
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@NoLongerHair...Praise the Lord. Had it not been for Him and my husband, where would I be. I am so grateful to have a husband who supports and love me for me...hair or not. It took me long time, many years, to overcome the loss of my beautiful long, thick hair. Believe me when I say that however, I am at a point of my life,,,living in the 4th quarter...living and loving myself as myself. Look into your heart and love who God has made us to be letting everyone know that the hair does not change us...I am loving the bald look, being so very liberated and I want to think that one day all who suffers from this alopecia don't let it rob you of LIFE. It is so precious. Think of things that are praisworthy, think of the could haves, the should haves and the would haves, if not..a wig or hair unit if it hurt that bad whereas you can take off or leave on...love your versitality..BE YOU...BE whom God made you to be,,,it is all in your heart....I am a witness, telling my testimony..it's ok, we're still living...above ground, resting in God's grace and His everlasting mercy. It's our season, walk in the newness of life!
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Thank you so much Figarosmom, NoLongerHair, & Tallgirl - you're all very inspiring with what you said. You're right TG about personal identity, this just makes a person feel like an open book always explaining to people what is happening, why you now look so different than before. I do mourn often, some days have break down days, even at work. I'm done being embarrassed as I know any woman would have to go through this. I do believe that what does not kill us makes us stronger, but it's the fear of rejection that is getting to me. Feeling not good enough due to hair loss is not valid, but it is a feeling. FIGAROSMOM, you reminded me of my 4 year old Neice, Isabella. When she comes over and eats dinner, she looks at the reflection of herself in the sliding glass door with amazement, she loves that she is a pretty little girl, but sees a princess! At times, there have been suicidal thoughts due to this, thinking I'll be unloveable, unwanted, but now because of this wonderful site with everyone pulling each other through, I don't have those any more, just coping thoughts. What will people say at work? What will I do if someone makes a rude comment? and so forth... It is amazing how much of our bodies we neglect, then when something like this unveils itself, we feel the need to 'light a fire'. I understand that for sure, want to exercise more often, get 2 surgeries I've wanted / needed for a long time, stop wasting time in the mirror looking for new growth because IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! Thank you everyone, I truly enjoy conversing with you all :-) -Sarah K.
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Comment by NoLongerHair on January 12, 2012 at 1:00pm
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@Sarah I don't think it is shallow at all to be sad over the loss of your hair and it's ok to feel all of the emotions that you are feeling without beating yourself up. But grief can be tricky. Give your self a set time to mourn and then get up and go again otherwise it can devour us. Repeat as often as needed. Just remember when you are feeling down that you are a lot more than your hair. Your hair is just like the clothes you wear. Beautiful when you change colours. Beautiful when you changes lengths. Beautiful if covered from head to toe or naked. The real you can't be seen, only experienced. Let her come out. She is stronger and more confident than you know. Do everything you need to do to make yourself feel attractive cause that adds confidence too. But don't lose sight of who you are, fearfully and wonderfully made by the Lord (Psalm 139:14)
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@Tallgirl..RIGHT! I do find my personality developing more and I am working more on my life. Hair loss has taken my focus off my looks and frankly it's liberating. It is also enligthening and exciting to find there is indeed more to you that you just neglected (especially when you're older *wink*.
@Sarah it is indeed an awful experience. much more so than people realize. I just went through that understanding again. People just can't relate. That also makes one feel isolated at times too. You are not being shallow and all of us go through trying to reclaim our personal identity and feeling about our looks. For me a moment that helped was sitting at a friends house, wearing my wig and seeing myself in the mirror during diner. I was like "hey, I look GREAT!" You do too and when the time is right, you will see that. :-)
@ShoCorona- thanks for another book! Always looking for them. Love to read and learn. I am looking that one up.
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Comment by Tallgirl on January 11, 2012 at 11:30pm
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From Stanford Encyclopedia (of Philosophy?):
We often speak of one's “personal identity” as what makes one the person one is. Your identity in this sense consists roughly of what makes you unique as an individual and different from others. Or it is the way you see or define yourself, or the network of values and convictions that structure your life.
So (says TG), although hair could make one unique above all else, it does not. Many others might have your hair style (especially when a whole school of girls copies sassoon haircuts...but that conversation would age me...). Some folk copy from a magazine in the beauty shop and say, "Give me this one." Or, they cut, style, color and perm away their natural do. Is that true identity? No. Identity is REALLY the personality you are developing. I'd say, alopecia probably results in MORE of a personality than hair ever gave, but it just takes a bit longer to find out how you really handle intensity in your life! When you rely on looks only, it is all on the surface...right?
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This is a good idea for anybody, hair loss or not. I wanted to take a death and dying class at the community college I attend, it is necessary for dealing with life and all the buckets of trouble it brings. For me, this is awful, it is an awful experience. I am truly trying to adjust to not being who I've been my whole life, and adapt to seeing myself with no hair and trying to salvage some sort of attractiveness. Shallow? maybe, but losing identity is definitely a cause of grief and depression.
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Comment by ShoCorona on January 11, 2012 at 2:31pm
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I'd just like to say what a great post and an excellent book indeed! It is a grieving process that we are in and we need to go through it step by step until we come out the other end!
Another great book is Bereavement:- Studies of Grief in Adult Life by Colin Murray Parkes
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The question is, for me, will I let grief immobilize me, or will I let it drive me to forget by working harder, like a robot, on something that ultimately will be good for me...like a college degree or teaching credential. Many artists use grief or anger as therapy and end up producing great, heartfelt works that others can relate to (and buy!), even though at the time the process was a release of emotion. I saw some great poetry come out of a cancer writing workshop, that got made into a book and sold (I bought a copy). Some people may put it into sports or construction, but the idea is to sort of get out there and throw that anger into productivity. Sitting at home produces and solves nothing.
My moaning on one of the Groups here last month finally got another gal to name what was happening as depression. So, what did I do? I deleted the moaning and hung out with girlfriends over the holidays, bought two wigs (one girlfriend along), then started back at a college class. I am trying to solve my home technology issues, I got my dryer fixed, and I have a crew of 16 missionaries coming over Thursday to fix up my yard, garden and grafittied garage wall. January is good for such things, even if the hair won't grow. I spent months and months since my job lay-off moaning, and everyone else is tired of it...so now I am taking action. My parents are still dead, my sons still absent from my life, my health plan still cancelled, my food still from charity, my head still bald, my heat still off; but I am in graduate school at my age...so I will value THAT! Now, excuse me while I take my emotions to my counseling appointment...then maybe go escape into music. Yes, LB: we all deal differently.
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