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The 7 stages of grief
One of my friends on AW posted in his blog the question all of us ask at some point, and even many points, why me?
When I asked myself why me, I recalled years ago reading a book called On Death & Dying. This was a landmark book because of it's detailed analysis of the stages we all go through when experiencing grief. Unfortunately what most of us don't realize is that grief isn't just about death. Here are list of a few experiences that can cause grief:
loss of a job
loss of a home
loss of health
moving to a new place
divorce
I think you see the pattern. The key word here is LOSS. And hey, we have hair LOSS. Whether we know it or not, if we are experiencing anguish over our hair loss (not everyone does), we are probably going through the stages of grief as we come to a point of acceptance or at least balance over our hair loss.
I am including a link to a web site that details the 7 stages and has lots of resources. It's important to remember to allow yourself to go through them. Don't let others rush you through or make you feel you should be "over it" by now. Also, you will bounce back and forth between stages. So be patient with yourself and let yourself experience your grief.
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Comment by Tallgirl on January 10, 2012 at 4:23pm
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http://www.bmj.com/content/316/7137/1086.full
Also try this for some ideas. I think art therapy for grief also could help (bereavement).
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Comment by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on January 10, 2012 at 5:30pm
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Very well said Figarosmom : ) We each deal with things differently. I also think you can go back and forth with the stages - it does not have to be a linear path.
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Comment by NoLongerHair on January 10, 2012 at 7:36pm
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great post, thanks. just checked yes to 4 of the criteria so i guess now i can understand why i've been blue. didn't figure on grief.
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Comment by BTB (John) on January 10, 2012 at 7:44pm
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Great post what this site is designed for.
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The question is, for me, will I let grief immobilize me, or will I let it drive me to forget by working harder, like a robot, on something that ultimately will be good for me...like a college degree or teaching credential. Many artists use grief or anger as therapy and end up producing great, heartfelt works that others can relate to (and buy!), even though at the time the process was a release of emotion. I saw some great poetry come out of a cancer writing workshop, that got made into a book and sold (I bought a copy). Some people may put it into sports or construction, but the idea is to sort of get out there and throw that anger into productivity. Sitting at home produces and solves nothing.
My moaning on one of the Groups here last month finally got another gal to name what was happening as depression. So, what did I do? I deleted the moaning and hung out with girlfriends over the holidays, bought two wigs (one girlfriend along), then started back at a college class. I am trying to solve my home technology issues, I got my dryer fixed, and I have a crew of 16 missionaries coming over Thursday to fix up my yard, garden and grafittied garage wall. January is good for such things, even if the hair won't grow. I spent months and months since my job lay-off moaning, and everyone else is tired of it...so now I am taking action. My parents are still dead, my sons still absent from my life, my health plan still cancelled, my food still from charity, my head still bald, my heat still off; but I am in graduate school at my age...so I will value THAT! Now, excuse me while I take my emotions to my counseling appointment...then maybe go escape into music. Yes, LB: we all deal differently.
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Comment by ShoCorona on January 11, 2012 at 2:31pm
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I'd just like to say what a great post and an excellent book indeed! It is a grieving process that we are in and we need to go through it step by step until we come out the other end!
Another great book is Bereavement:- Studies of Grief in Adult Life by Colin Murray Parkes
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Comment by Sarah on January 11, 2012 at 10:31pm
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This is a good idea for anybody, hair loss or not. I wanted to take a death and dying class at the community college I attend, it is necessary for dealing with life and all the buckets of trouble it brings. For me, this is awful, it is an awful experience. I am truly trying to adjust to not being who I've been my whole life, and adapt to seeing myself with no hair and trying to salvage some sort of attractiveness. Shallow? maybe, but losing identity is definitely a cause of grief and depression.
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From Stanford Encyclopedia (of Philosophy?):
We often speak of one's “personal identity” as what makes one the person one is. Your identity in this sense consists roughly of what makes you unique as an individual and different from others. Or it is the way you see or define yourself, or the network of values and convictions that structure your life.
So (says TG), although hair could make one unique above all else, it does not. Many others might have your hair style (especially when a whole school of girls copies sassoon haircuts...but that conversation would age me...). Some folk copy from a magazine in the beauty shop and say, "Give me this one." Or, they cut, style, color and perm away their natural do. Is that true identity? No. Identity is REALLY the personality you are developing. I'd say, alopecia probably results in MORE of a personality than hair ever gave, but it just takes a bit longer to find out how you really handle intensity in your life! When you rely on looks only, it is all on the surface...right?
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Comment by Figarosmom on January 12, 2012 at 9:51am
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@Tallgirl..RIGHT! I do find my personality developing more and I am working more on my life. Hair loss has taken my focus off my looks and frankly it's liberating. It is also enligthening and exciting to find there is indeed more to you that you just neglected (especially when you're older *wink*.
@Sarah it is indeed an awful experience. much more so than people realize. I just went through that understanding again. People just can't relate. That also makes one feel isolated at times too. You are not being shallow and all of us go through trying to reclaim our personal identity and feeling about our looks. For me a moment that helped was sitting at a friends house, wearing my wig and seeing myself in the mirror during diner. I was like "hey, I look GREAT!" You do too and when the time is right, you will see that. :-)
@ShoCorona- thanks for another book! Always looking for them. Love to read and learn. I am looking that one up.
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@Sarah I don't think it is shallow at all to be sad over the loss of your hair and it's ok to feel all of the emotions that you are feeling without beating yourself up. But grief can be tricky. Give your self a set time to mourn and then get up and go again otherwise it can devour us. Repeat as often as needed. Just remember when you are feeling down that you are a lot more than your hair. Your hair is just like the clothes you wear. Beautiful when you change colours. Beautiful when you changes lengths. Beautiful if covered from head to toe or naked. The real you can't be seen, only experienced. Let her come out. She is stronger and more confident than you know. Do everything you need to do to make yourself feel attractive cause that adds confidence too. But don't lose sight of who you are, fearfully and wonderfully made by the Lord (Psalm 139:14)
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