The Memory Remains

Have I mentioned God convicting me of myself and transforming me into himself? Just in case I haven't here it goes.

Since this whole nightmare began. hhmm let's see how long has it been now? it will be 6 months tomorrow. I keep telling myself everything's gonna be ok. God is in control. for five of those months i had no job sending my credit and financial status down, down, down, to the center of the earth. where i am slowly starting to crawl towards the surface with miles and miles and miles to go.

Since June my life spiriled downward rather rapidly with a few added punches here and there. such as my endless car trouble, my cousin loosing her baby, both of my grandparents dying a week apart, my other cousin getting married and i couldn't go, my brother moving, my sister coming out of the closet, finding out a dark family secret, and the list could go on forever..

im not angry at God, i'm really not. i kind of am at the point where i just want to know whats going on. I hide behind my strength, i put up a 'everything's gonna be ok' front. when the truth is. I don't know if everythings gonna be ok. I don't cry everyday anymore. and getting very small paychecks has relieved it some but not much. i feel like there is a mountain of financial stuff and im barely scratching the surface. like i'm trying to pay a million dollar debt with ten dollars and fifty cents. I desperately miss being a nurse. i have run into fellow nurses, former nursing students, and family members of patients that i have taken care of. I immediately find the nearest isolated place and cry my eyes out. It's the only thing i have ever wanted to be. I am beginning to wonder if thats what God wanted me to be. it's slowly starting to fade from my lifestyle. almost like it never happened, but then i see a patient's family member or a nurse and the memory remains.

i miss it so much.. but now i wonder if i could ever enter that world again. what do i do with my life now? when everything you have ever wanted to be and when you have worked your whole life for something and then its gone. what do you do? whats the next step?

The last six months have changed me more than anything ever has. God has taken me and shown me to rely on him, to trust in him, and has shown me myself. he has shown me that i don't love others or even like others. He showed me my selfishness and a couple of weeks ago he showed me that my tongue is my most dangerous weapon. that I tear people down and I create so much destruction to Christ's image by MY tongue.

Now that God has shaken me and gotten ahold of me about my gossiping, my constant need to complain and to talk about people he has shown me that the reason why i do that is because i don't like myself and tear people down because it makes me feel important and makes me feel better. about a month ago i was complaining about a friend and not knowing my friend was in ear shot right around the corner. well... needless to say i really hurt their feelings and this friend has done nothing to me EVER!! has shown me so much love and support and unconditional friendship and i did that to them. for no reason whatsoever. so after the loyalty and the bonds of friendship were severed and after a brief apology im still working on building this friendship back up. but its always there. at least to me anyway. it's always staring at me in the face. its a constant reminder of the damage that my tongue can cause.

my tongue is nowhere near under control but the awareness is there. When i start to say something the Holy Spirit just shuts me off. If i do slip up I immediately apologize to whoever i said it to and end the conversation. The awareness is always around me and every where I go people are talking about somebody. it's everywhere... and now there is such an awareness of it in my heart that it makes me nauseous. When before I couldn't wait to hear the latest gossip and what people biggest complaints are. Now I have to leave the room immediately. It makes me sad but a part of me still wants to hear and I have to physically make myself leave the room. baby steps.. amber.. baby steps.

so God is dealing with my tongue and my love for others. Yesterday i was thinking while i was trying to change a flat tire on the interstate. why is all the happening? what did i do to you Lord that you send these things my way? that i can't catch a break. a few moments later this is what He told me: "you don't pray to me, you don't read my word!! how can i tell you what i want you to do if you don't read your bible? oh you tithe, but you don't do it cheerfully, you hate tithing, your SELFISH! everything is always about you, you're a liar! you're a gossip! you are NOT THE PERSON I WANT YOU TO BE!"

i finally got home and realized that i am living in disobedience. God is definitely trying to get my attention and he has so much better for me. He is greater than my career, he is above all this. he is consumed with me. all he wants is for me to be consumed with him. so.. one step at a time. thats all i can do.