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Very sad today... and my mom
Hello anyone who might read this. Well, after several weeks of research, discussion, tears, and more, I have finally, finally decided what my first wig will be and confirmed my appointment to come in and have my head shaved and the piece applied. In a way, I feel relief--the anticipation part will soon be over and I can get down to the business of dealing with what it's like to be in this new phase. I admire you all who have been on this journey so much.
For me, one thing that is difficult is that my mother also has scarring alopecia. The thing is, though, she did not know that that's what she had--she just lost her hair in her mid-30s, and had terrible itching that I can remember her enduring. It wasn't until I got my own diagnosis that I figured out that that's likely what hers was as well. One would think that having a mother who has been wearing wigs and weaves since I was a teen would make this process easier, but it hasn't. I realized today that my mother has never once mentioned to me that she wore a wig or talked to me about it, which has meant a lot of fear, shame, and confusion in my own life. I don't blame her for this; rather, I blame myself and wish I had understood more what she was going through, been supportive and open rather than secretive and shameful. I'm sure she was trying to protect me but it just made me very fearful, which is making this transition very hard.
Any words of wisdom, advice, or just thoughts would be really helpful. Thank you for listening.
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Comment by Tallgirl on August 11, 2012 at 3:52am
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Claudiaclaude, I think it is a generational thing. One of my female relatives in another country (well, Canada) but with different ethnic background from you (Belarusian) was secretive about her cancer, and didn't even allow my sister to come see her in her final days at the hospital. When her husband had cancer, too, the family hushed that up until after his death. My own godparents...and they couldn't, wouldn't tell me. So, I think we just have to write it off as a sad statement about The Greatest Generation: maybe TOO proud to open up about medical issues or "embarrassing" family drama. We have, on the other hand, benefited from the openness of the 1960s and 1970s because SO many more issues are discussed openly, in homes and in the media. Just look at that UK Olympian with alopecia, baring her head for all the world to see! I think it is all a reflection of both the times and personal strength. Give both of you a break...and soothing hugs.
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Comment by You can do it : ) on August 12, 2012 at 9:29am
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I think you should sit down with your mom and try to tell her you need her to tell you how she got throught it. Even if you are not the type push yourself to talk to her. I never and still dont wear a wig so I cant tell you how that is going to be.
But I can tell you are a strong person and can do it.
Good luck, we are hear for you on this site.
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Hi Claudiaclaude,
I'm sad to read that you are feeling such sadness today. But regarding your mom, I think you should try not to blame her OR yourself. When I was in my early 20s my dad was diagnosed with cancer and it took my parents 6 months to tell me (eventually they had no choice). I think many parents want to protect their kids from fear and pain as much as possible. I also agree with Tallgirl that it's a generational thing. Nowadays we talk about much more - just think of reality shows. I think you're going through a lot right now, but when and if you're ready you could try to talk to your mom (even if it's just to tell her that you understand now what she went through.) Right now you should try to be kind and gentle to yourself as you go through this process. I'm trying to do the same myself but some days, it is very, very difficult. Hope tomorrow feels a little brighter.
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Comment by Denise on August 27, 2012 at 5:58am
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I am sending you peaceful thoughts. We all understand how it feels and sometimes words just don't help. The wig you see me in is as close as I could get to my old me. I remember the day I had it shaved off and she placed my wig on quickly allowing me a quick peek of my bald head, heavy is the word that comes to my mind and not meaning the wig. I mean the emotions I felt, so heavy, so empty, like I lost something. I cried all the way home. Then when I got in my driveway, I took a deep breath and accepted this. SO breathe deep and know that there will be some good days and some bad days. Chin up smile you are beautiful. my wish is one day I will be able to just not care and go bald more often. Some day..........:)
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