June 3, 2009

When did it start ? Hmmm... I can honestly say I don't know. My Alopecia didn't start on my head... well... not exactly.

It started on my face. In one of the first pics I posted of myself, it showed me pre-AA. I look at that pic more and think it may have been in the early stages of Alopecia Barbae. It was around spring of 2008 when I took that pic.

I recall hair not wanting to quite fill in on my goatee/beard line. Noticed an itching, sort of burning sensation where the hair was, at the time, "being stubborn." When the spot appeared on the other side of my mouth, I started to wonder if I put my hand in/on anything and then happened to touch my face. I thought that initially since the two spots looked just like I put my thumb and index finger on either side of my mouth. I honestly thought I had a slight chemical burn. So I just washed my face and figured it would stop and grow back without any problems.

Problems... yeah... ok. Sounds good now, but as time went by, I didn't see the hair return. On the contrary, more went. It looked so bad, the goatee had to be modified. So I still had my moustache and the little "soul patch" as it seems to be referred as, under my lip.

As it turned out the big point that really made me conscious of Alopecia was the first little hole in my moustache. Once it happened, I had no choice, off went the rest of the facial hair I thought was me. Just as much as the hair on my head was/is important to me, my facial hair is what I had for over 20 years.

You may have seen those fake, imitation moustaches in novelty type stores or even wig shops. I really thought hard on getting one. The loss was devastating to my psyche not to mention my ego.

So off to the intar-web I went. Googled "Facial hair loss" and found what I didn't want to see or know. Alopecia Barbae. Great... just great. I get to look forward to probable (read: likely) Alopecia Areata.

So did I go ahead and start reading up on Alopecia Areata ? Just a little on the wiki and med sites.

Did I check my scalp at that time ? Heck no! It wouldn't happen to me. Nahhh... I got the kind that is on your face. It won't go up on my head. ....yeah... I know.. Denial.. and not the river in Egypt.

Well... I found out a few weeks ago, it felt like I was up a creek/river... and my paddle just broke.

...and the emotional waterfall was just in front of me and nothing to do but pray as I went over...

Now God doesn't just pick you up and dust you off and tell you to get back up and going. No... He left that to me.

I was told that I had a hole in the back of my head.

"Had I been scratching at that spot?" a friend asked. Nope.

Later I started back combing my hair. Joy... There they were.... my (previous) fears had been confirmed.

So back to Google I went. I searched it all... Alopecia, Spot hairloss, if I could think of any word that came close to hair or hairloss, I was typing it in different tabs in different windows.

I had so much info on hand... but not the community sites. Maybe I just wasn't ready to talk about it. I just needed INFORMATION!! MORE and MORE! I wanted answers.. yesterday! Why Why Why ?!?!?!

So I made the Dr appointment. Funny... I was thinking I was going in with so much info, what would he add that I didn't already know.

I went in with this already in place
I didn't want steroids
I didn't want to use rogaine®/minoxidil® even if it was covered by insurance.
The only real treatment I can see is leave it be to run it's course. Of course eating right and taking care of oneself it top priority too.

The Dr agreed with option 3. I really didn't want to go through a bunch of tests to tell me something I already know. I did agree to a physical (for my age, yes, it's a good thing regardless).

So that is my emotional rollercoaster ride.

Typing/telling all this really helps. I have re-read this a few times already and it feels like a weight was lifted. Not all the weight, mind you. =_=

While I have come to terms with Alopecia, that doesn't mean I don't have all the past feelings resolved. I still find myself reading posts from others as well as what I've posted and I feel the tears start... but then they stop. Crying isn't a sign of weakness, it's a release. And one of these times.. I will probably have a good one. But for now I keep living day by day.

Trying to not let things get me down.

-Jay
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