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Permalink Reply by Andrea on November 8, 2009 at 12:15pm

I would wager that as she enters the pre-teen years, her appearance is really getting to her. Like it or not, at this stage of her life, the opinions of her peers mean more to her than those of her family. I'd bet that she is being teased/bullied at school. Depression is frequently a sign of a bullied child. Chances are that the alopecia is not the sole cause...it's what set her apart as different and thus a target. Some well designed questioning can shed some light on the subject. A tried and true way would be to have a mom-daughter day out. Do some shopping, see a movie, etc...just fun. Then in the late after noon, over a Coke or something...ask her about her friends. A child that feels comfortable in her peer relationships will readily talk about them, but if she hems and haws you will know there is a problem.

The real problem is shame, I think. She feels shame for something that is out of her control, but she has been made to feel that there is something wrong with her as a person. It is important to stress to her that those who tease/bully her all have something they are insecure about. In fact, the biggest bullies are generally the most insecure. I was very much a bullied child at her age. Not for a physical attribute, but for the clothes I wore. I went to a very snobbish school and though I wore nice clothes I never wore designers (until I found 1 pair of Calvin Kleins for $20, lol). Also, I was recognized as the smartest one in my class. Teachers, in wanting to praise good efforts, inadvertantly can make a child a target by singling him out as the best. The bully crowd was led by a girl named Chris, who was morbidly obese as a 5th grader...all her chronies were also chunky. It's easy for a bully to become popular because kids would rather be on their side than their target.

I hope that Sammy and you can come to an understanding of the root cause. She's been living with Alopecia for 8 years, so it's not likely the AA itself that bothers her as the effects it has on her life. Blessings.

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Permalink Reply by Loraine and Sammy on November 10, 2009 at 6:06am

Thanks so much for your replies - it is so wonderful to hear from other mums who are experiencing the same - I will re read you replies again - it is so helpful to hear from a different perspective from those that are going through the same. This is the hardest time we have been through with the AA - I think Sammys age is a factor and that combined with her worst, longest and least sign of recovery occurence is making this a challenge to go through together. An almost 11yr is busy pushing the boundaries - as a mum I am torn between excusing all her "bad" behaviour and screaming that I want the AA to miraculous disappear - but I know the best I can do for her is to let her know she is beautiful, we are together, she is fine, strong and loved by many, whilst still putting in place the rules and boundaries that all kids know.
I hope I dont come across as some mad disciplinarian -- Im not, I just feel so bad for my girl sometimes and for what challenges she may have that I think I lose sight of my full mothering role.
I hope this ramble makes sense ....

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Permalink Reply by Alex on November 18, 2009 at 9:29pm

I have a similar story to your daughter's. I was diagnosed when I was 4 and had AA up until I was about 10 years old. I had most of my hair with some traveling bald spots. Then when I was about 10, I lost all my hair in the matter of a few months. It was ROUGH. Naturally, my mother panicked and bought me a wig. I wore it once in a while, but for the most part it was hot and annoyed me. I preferred to go sans hair. What helped me was talking to others my age with AA. Just knowing that there are others out there just like me and going through the same things I was going through truly helped me greatly. What also helped me was my mom. She was huge on making sure that I knew that I was beautiful no matter what. Self-esteem and self-confidence really is huge especially at this age when you start to make your own self image. That constant reinforcement that I am beautiful goes farther than you would think. I am 18 now, and I still sometimes need to just hear from someone that I am perfectly fine with or without hair.

As a side note: if it is at all possible, try to go to a NAAF conference. They are truly the best thing for someone struggling with AA (parents and kids). You will meet people from all backgrounds and varying degrees of AA. You can really see that you are not alone and there is a huge group of people that are here to support you.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or anything alone those lines. I know she will be more than fine!
-Alex

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