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When to tell a love interest that you have alopecia
When should you tell a person that you're dating, married to, or interested in that you have alopecia? Or, to pose the question quite differently, do such people have a right to know about your condition and, if so, when should you tell them? If for some reason you don't think it's their business, let's also discuss this perspective.
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Alopecia World: You may also want to check out this discussion on the topic.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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I have a boyfriend that says that he doesn't care what I look like, and actually gets mad when I try to cover my head up (at least, he did at first). Now, he understands that on one hand, I don't care if the whole world knows, but on the other hand, he can see why I would omit the fact that I have alopecia from when I tell anyone I am with about myself. I have been on both ends of the spectrum where I was outright dumped because my hair was falling out and actually asked out because others were fascinated. In a dating relationship, I don't think it's anyone's business at first, but I think that at some point, if the relationship becomes serious then you should discuss the situation with your partner. Remember, the more people know about and understand alopecia then the more progress we make toward acceptance.
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Permalink Reply by Melissa on
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My college roommate told me that I shouldn't tell guys about my Alopecia until they got to know me and decided they liked me. But then I thought: Someone who's not going to like me just because I have no hair is NOT somebody I'd want to be with anyways! So I always tell people up front. Maybe not the first conversation, but definitely pretty soon!
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Permalink Reply by Ashley on
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I feel the same. I usually tell guys pretty quickly for 2 reasons. 1) I can "weed out" the a**holes easily, and 2) I simply cannot feel comfortable with a man until he knows. Especially once the kissing starts! When I started dating my boyfriend, he kept trying to play with my hair, and I would immediately jump up or something. He definitely noticed, so I made up a stupid excuse, and then told myself I HAD to tell him during our next date. And I did.
When I tell someone, I try to say it very non-chalantly and with a big smile on my face. To me it seems that the more upbeat you are about it, the less they will think it is a big deal. I also try to avoid using the word "disease" if at all possible. I usually say it's a "hair loss condition" at first, because it sounds less scary.
Only thing I've noticed in my life is that the guys that stick by me are the ones that are immediately interested and ask questions. If they kinda just look at you and smile, or even if they just say "It's not big deal" and change the subject...those guys don't end up working out. Again, this are just my experiences, and of course there could be great guys out there that could just have different initial reactions!
My boyfriend now is absolutely obsessed with my bald head! He prefers me to be bald at home, and will sit and rub my head for hours. He even randomly brought up the NAAF conference the other day and wants to make sure I take him. He is a gorgeous, successful man who could have just about any girl he wants...and even if for some reason our relationship doesn't work out, I will always know that it had nothing to do with my Alopecia. And I will always know that there are great guys out there that will love it!!!
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Permalink Reply by im2sexyformyhair (A.K.A. Tina) on
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I dont think I could have said it any better.. especially the part about calling it a condition. I do not like that people call it a disease either.. it sounds bad. So on that note.. You keep on keeping on girl.. :-)
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Permalink Reply by Meghan on
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I totally agree with you on telling guys early on. mostly because I just don't feel comfortable around them until they know! its like I'm lying and I am a terrible liar! haha
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Permalink Reply by James on
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I just started dating a great gal who has Alopecia. She kept ducking my hand when I tried to stroke her hair, and I honestly thought some previous guy had smacked her in the head and she was traumatized by it. When she told me on our second date, I was honestly just fascinated by it. Her ex-husband had said that she was ugly because of it and I honestly want to just punch him in the face. I haven't seen her without the wig yet, but she looks great anyways and I could care less.
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Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on
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Hi James,
You are the guy we all want to meet! Good Luck with your alopecia girl!
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Hi Melissa,
You are spot on. You don't want anything to do with a guy who is so shallow. Way to go.
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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I remember the dread of having to tell somebody that I had alopecia, perhaps that is why there is a relief in no longer wearing a hair piece, a "what you see is what you get" attitude. Call me weird, but that is the way that I handled the situation.
Somehow it has worked for me and I don't know if others have had the same positive experience or experienced something different.
I am so happy you guys are all here and look forward to getting to know you all and exchangind ideas and thoughts with you :) :) :)
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Permalink Reply by Liz on
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I feel exactly the same way! I used to agonize about having to tell someone, but ever since I stopped wearing wigs, it's been so much easier. People accept me for who I am and it's not interfered with my relationships one bit.
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Permalink Reply by Shemika on
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Wow! This is a great topic. I have a client who's relationship with me has become more of a little sister (her) big sister (me) type of bonding. She is only 21 but no one other than her immediate family knows she has alopecia. She is african american but only hangs around and dates caucasian [people] because from her experience they are not as cruel towards her alopecia and do not question her about her hair. Her conclusion was drawn from her childhood. She's had alopecia since the age of 7 I think and she said that when she was in school, younger african american children would snatch her wig off and laugh at her. When she began to hang around with the caucasian students, they accepted her and did not question or tease her. Now years later in her adult life, she is dating on and off but I do sort of wonder how that discussion would go for her, especially since its something very hard for anyone to understand at first, and if it is just sort of sprung on them all of a sudden after some years I can understand them being in total shock, but geesh its not like its aids so it shouldn't be a deal breaker!
I think all and all, over everything, education is key. If the person is educated or familiar with Alopecia or Hair loss in general it would probably be easier to tell them, but I could understand if its harder for some to want to share that.
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