Alopecia World
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What Changed Your Mind?
Malinda started a very important discussion on what men REALLY think of alopecic women in an earlier discussion. While this is a very informative and enlightening discussion, a thought struck me.
I think a better question for this discussion would be this: For all the men on this site, what was your opinion of bald women BEFORE you either developed alopecia or were exposed to anyone with alopecia? How did you come to terms with what you felt/feel and what society's expectations are?
I think a better question for this discussion would be this: For all the men on this site, what was your opinion of bald women BEFORE you either developed alopecia or were exposed to anyone with alopecia? How did you come to terms with what you felt/feel and what society's expectations are?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on
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A few years before meeting my fiancee, I dated a woman who lost her hair to chemotherapy before losing her life to cancer. I'd like to say that prior to falling for an alopecic woman I didn't believe any of the negative and demeaning stereotypes about bald women -- they're all dikes, ill, ugly, rebellious, freaky, etc. But the sad truth is, I did think such things about bald and alopecic women as well as women like one of my aunts, who had a head full of very short hair.
What changed my mind was my recognition of alopecic women's solidarity with all sistas, including my daughters. Thanks to the chastisement of my children and a liberal education through which I gained life-changing exposure to feminist, womanist, women's, and other egalitarian studies, I came to be more tolerant of human diversity in general and more interested in, open and receptive to so-called eccentric and exeptional women in particular. By the time I had my first alopecic girlfriend, her (lack of) hair was a non-issue for me. We never discussed her baldness, and I'm the same way with my fiancee Cheryl.
In other words, it was parenting and philosophies of pluralism and postmoderism that helped me the most to dispense with negative stereotypes of alopecic and bald women and reach a place where I could truly accept and even adore them as I do the phenomenal woman of my dreams, Alopecia World's very own Cheryl Carvery. ;-)
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Permalink Reply by Carol on
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Although I am not a man, my husband was very open in discussing alopecia with me. Before he met me he'd have never even spoken to a bald woman. He was generally accepting when I admitted having a wig and he took a lot of crap from his family and friends. Now he loves my bald head. There are also two men I went to school with as a kid that I now speak to on Facebook who have apologized to me for being so cruel. They now accept me for who I am as their friend and regret what they have said in the past. This is all about maturity levels! I don't think women should worry too much about what men think of alopecia because there are so many of us with spouses and boyfriends already so obviously if you have to worry about someone being a jerk, they are immature and are not worth your time.
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Interesting comments, Carol. However, I think YoKasta's (and Malinda's) inquiry is important because it could illuminate a path to positive change. In other words, a lot of us changed men still have contact with those jerks you mentioned and, by reflecting on our own transformations, may glean strategies and insights that we can pass on to boys and men that are still beholden to negative stereotypes of bald and alopecic women. Yes, it's all about maturity level, as you mentioned, but the question remains, "How can a man reach such a maturity level that he is able to accept, appreciate and perhaps even adore bald and alopecic women?" It is from reflecting on such a question that, hopefully, men like your husband and me can begin to undestand the processes by which other jerks can transform themselves into genuine admirers.
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Good point, Gary. The media certainly plays a role in the construction of social reality for alopecians and, for that reason, should be as much a target for positive transformation as individuals and other institutions which perpetuate negative stereotypes of bald and alopecic women. But how do you propose that alopecians and their supporters go about "changing the media's definition of beauty?"
I, for one, appreciate efforts and initiatives like Sharon Blynn's Bald is Beautiful campaign and Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty. Certain feminists, womanist, and other egalitarian and progressive writers are also making contributions to transforming the stigma of female baldness into a distinction by unmasking what Naomi Wolf described as "the beauty myth." In my own writings, I've called on alopecians and their supporters to also 'boycott companies and celebrities that perpetuate negative and hurtful stereotypes about bald people and alopecians via advertising and other media.' Finally, I also highly recommend paying close attention to the ideas of iconoclastic intellectuals and activists like Noam Chomsky, which are poignantly and powerfully exposing the media and other propaganda machines and thus helping to empower people to truly think for themselves.
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I never said that this was unimportant, just that they shouldn't worry. Please don't misinterpret me, I always reply under the best intentions. I was just trying to say that this is all about maturity levels and some people do come around - that's all! Sorry if that was misunderstood!
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Hey, Carol. I always enjoy reading you, so I didn't think for one moment that you didn't have the best intentions. Thanks for the clarification. :-)
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Permalink Reply by Zoey on
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You are correct Carol!!
Every guy I dated in the past, when I told them that I too wear a wig. They were all supportive. One kinda freaked out on me, due to he didnt believe me.
But, in general they were all great with it.. Yes, I did have to tell them about how it started, why its happened, etc etc etc. It was all great!!
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Permalink Reply by kayla tucker on
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i think that some men are probably turned off or would not even look at a bald woman for the simple fact of the way women are portrayed in the world today,I mean Im not one to obcess about not looking like the women on tv but in this day all you really see are these beautiful women with this long beautiful hair,and i think it does affect the way some men look at women,but I hope noone gets discouraged because there are wonderful men out there who do not care like my husband (he likes to joke that he has two wifes one bald,and one with hair) I always think its funny and then think how lucky I am that I have somebody that accepts me for exactly who I am.
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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I noticed that some people get that "free spirit" impression about me too nowadays. Two male coworkers of mine that I recently went through a training class with didn't realize I had alopecia until they heard me talking with another coworker about it. The coworker I was talking to met me when I had hair and watched me lose it all, and when the two guys heard us they were all like, "OMG -- I thought you shaved your hair as a fashion choice! You're so pretty anyway I don't think it would matter!" It was a very nice compliment.
I know what I think of myself as a bald person, and to be honest, as time goes on I remember less and less about my life before alopecia. Living as a bald person, whenever I see someone else who's bald, I ask myself if they are bald by nature or bald by choice? Sometimes I'm curious enough to ask, but most times I don't, because I'm sensitive to the fact that the person I'm observing may be sensitive about their baldness. I'm just curious to know what they think.
Granted, some people are more enlightened than others, but I feel that there are more people out there in Alopecia World who are reading these posts and have an opinion but for whatever reason are not expressing it. Please, please let us know what you think about this very important question!
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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Before I lost my hair, I always thought of bald men or women as someone with a strong personality. I thought that it was a choice, and they willingly shaved their own heads. Now that was stereotyping as well. I know that full well now, that we come in all shapes, sizes and personalities.
I know a lot people after first seeing me, think that I am an artist or have a creative personality, and that is probably the farthest thing from the truth in some ways. I do find that after I lost my hair I started to attract a different kind of man. I also think that the men that it bought into my life helped open my eyes, I had a learning curve to do myself.
I guess what I am saying is the same way I was exposed to alopecia and had to challenge my views, so do others that are touched by our lives after meeting us. Some we will learn from and some we will teach.
I think a willingness to share our lives and alopecia with others will be the turning point to changing people views of Alopecia or any other form of prejudice (pre-judging).
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Permalink Reply by as on
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Good morning,
excuse please mine bad knowledge English!Earlier am bald women haven't seen,only am about them heard and was me them very sorrow.Considered am be past ill.Then am at television seen film Star Trek.Was I shocked how bald woman Persis Kabatha was very beautiful!Henceforth am but again no didn't have possibility see.As far as am alone began trouble with AA and sought help on Internet cafe.Found am much bald women,option and with AA.Largely but here on alopeciawrld.This splendid instead of me much helped,raise his self - importance,but largely me showed how and bald women are beautiful.damage only as though for the present baldness isn't considered like familiar type hairstyle.Henceforth is me you sorrow wherewith you must browse,but believe, that the and smooth remain on women and this very,very beautiful nor only on surface.After read - through your story largely inside,which some hairy you do not give it to them tell.I hope, that the me is a little understand,what am you wanted tell. as
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Hi As, thanks for commenting, I think I understand what you are trying to say and I would agree that sometimes it is a matter exposure, meaning seeing more bald women/men in the general public. I also understand that you feel that it isn't our hair loss that makes us feel "damaged", but our society and they way we internalize that information. I would have to agree with that too. I recall when I first lost my hair and was looking in the mirror that I really did not hate what was looking back at me, in a way I thought the look was interesting. But, that though seemed to get lost when I stepped outside of my home. Thanks again As.
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