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To tell or not to tell...
I am thirteen and kids at my age are not exactly the nicest. Who have you told? Have you told people at school? What did they say? Do they make fun of you? answering any of these questions could help me. I dont know wheather to wear my hair the way I like and expose my spots but I'm just scared of what people might say. Has anyone had any experience or suggestions about this? Thank you very very much.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kristen Ridenhour on
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My hair fell out when was 14. For 10th and 11th grade i wore a wig. There were VERY few people that knew about it, and no one made fun of me (that i know of), most likely because they didn't know. The people I told were my closest friends and they never once made fun of me because of it. My senior year, i decided to wear a bandanna to school. So it became apparent to the whole school that I didn't have any hair. There were a few people that said some things, nothing too horrible though. I did have friends that would kick their ass if anything got too far. :) It is possible that more was said, but it never got back to me, so I don't know. They even did a whole page in the year book that year about my alopecia, it was kinda cool.
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Permalink Reply by Orbit on
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Hi Caroline! When I was younger going to school I was lucky that the kids didn't tease me at all. When I was in third and fourth grade my alopecia was very evident as I had lost about 75% of my hair and I just wore ball caps (I was tomboy and teachers let me wear them in class). I wasn't ready to wear a wig and didn't realize that wearing headscarves was even an option. My parents explained it to the teachers and I told my closest best friend. She didn't care in the least and it was never a topic of conversation. Fortunately the other kids we kind. I never felt ashamed or made fun of. I'm not sure if kids these days are as nice or as tolerant?
I'm in Canada and it gets darn cold up here! By fall and the beginning of grade 5, I wore my new wig to school. Most kids just thought it grew back over the summer and no one even asked. It wasn't until one afternoon that a bunch of us were goofing around during a indoor recess and this boy walked behind me while I was on sitting my chair and he knocked my hair off! I was mortified, gathered it and myself and went to the bathroom to straighten out. I was totally bummed, but to my surprise it was the little boy who was more upset. When I came back I realized that he had been the one crying (not me). He didn't know it was wig and he was so sorry.
As a result of that incident, together with my teacher we spoke to the class about my alopecia (which was only AA at the time). We explained what it was, that it wasn't contagious and the kids even had a few questions! To my relief no one made a big deal about it and by the end of the day the topic was forgotten. I don't know if I would have had the courage to go au naturel with my large bald spots - I think that it in my case it may have made the whole ordeal more difficult. I wasn't comfortable with my appearance t the time, and I think that others would have picked up on that.
I think you should do what ever feels "right" for you. If you are confident and feel brave you'll be able to handle what ever situation arises. I would recommend that your parents talk to the teachers and explain about alopecia first. I do recommend telling close friends as they can be a a strong shoulder to lean on in the tough times. It will help if they are aware of your situation with real facts and info (rather than leaving it up to speculation). While things probably seem difficult now, I guarantee that you will discover strengths about yourself you never knew that you had. I actually feel fortunate to have grown up with alopecia - I know the person I have become is the person I've always wanted to be - and my AA/AU has helped me along the way!
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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Hi Caroline!
My hair fell out when I was 4 years old; as a result I don't even remember a time very clearly when I had hair. I have pictures from that time, but every picture from my childhood shows me in a hat, a scarf, or a wig. I went to private school for most of my school years, and the children I went to school with literally watched my hair fall out, so they saw that it wasn't contagious or anything and didn't give me any grief with it. It was only when I got to public school when the children started being mean and teasing me and bullying me and trying to pull my wig off. I will admit, I got into a couple of fights, but I can say that every fight I was ever in was not started by me; rather, it was because I finished it and defended myself.
My breakthrough in school came when I wrote an essay in the 7th grade for a citywide essay contest on Disability Awareness Week. I shared my story and submitted it thinking that nothing would come of it , but to my shock I won the entire contest!! I got to read my essay at the city school board meeting in front of the mayor of Nashville and the entire school board, and read it to the whole school in an assembly the next day. After that assembly, I was never harassed by another person in school about my hair, and even had some of the people who had previously picked on me come and apologize to me for everything they had done!!! I still run into my former school mates as an adult now, and the ones that I do run into still apologize profusely to this day for all the meanness I went through as a kid.
My suggestion to you is to do what makes you feel comfortable. If you want to wear a scarf and not answer any questions, by all means go ahead and do so. If you want to be extreme like I was and tell everyone at once, then go for it!! At the very least, if you don't tell anyone else, make sure you and your parents DO tell your teachers, your principal, and your school guidance counselor -- that way, if any issues DO come up, you have a support system in place to help you deal with it. Let us know here how it turns out -- we are all here to support you!!!
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Permalink Reply by Sarah McIntosh on
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I started to loose all of my hair when I was 12 yrs old and to be perfectly honest I had a hard time with the kids at school,just about everyone talked about me behind my back,friends I grew up with talked behind my back.I had what you would say a very hard time and not everyone has this happen to them.At first it hurt my feelings but then one day I understood.I understood that they were afraid of what they didn't know and I felt sorry for them for all the great people they will miss out on in thier life,how many experiences they will not live because they are afraid.So let them be afraid,always remember that you are beautiful even if it might not always be in a conventional way and make decisions that make y ou happy when it comes to your Alopecia . If your comfortable wearing your hair with your spots showing then do it,do let people who don't understand make these decisions for you by belittling you,which might no even happen.I remember reading a story about a girl wiht no hair on her head and she was her high school's prom queen.
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Permalink Reply by Ashley on
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Whether you show it or not, i think spreading the word wouldn't be a bad idea at all. Lately I have become more comfortable & started exposing my lack of hair more, but all this year I've been wearing wigs. Before that, my classmates watched my hair thin, and me resort to wearing bandanas only before I switched to wigs.
But you know what made things easier? Everyone knew about it. My parents contacted the administration to ensure I could wear whatever I needed, even if it clashed with the rules of the school. They also contacted all of my teachers so I wouldnt hear about it, if one day I wore a hat to school. You definitely need to have your parents contact your school about it, so at least they know what is going on. And I would say it would make things easier, and make you feel better if you told people about it. At first it's scary to tell people about the big secret you hold, but telling people about it actually made me feel better. I would start by telling those you trust & who are close to you, & if that goes ok, and you feel comfortable, you could tell some of your friends. I found after most of my friends knew, word spread quickly, & most everyone was informed of my disease. I've found when people know about it, they don't say anything to you about, or if they do it's usually curious inquiries.
This is the way I did things, this is the best advice I can give on your struggle. I hope you find someway to deal with things & become more comfortable with alopecia. If you have any questions or need to talk, I'm here for you! We all are!
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Permalink Reply by claire taylor on
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Hi all,
I lost my hair at 11 it fell out gradually, by the time i was 14/15 it was all gone, When i was younger most people knew just through word of mouth, if i met anybody new i would try and suss out what there reaction would be and usually ended up telling them most people were understanding there was a few (not many and was of the male form) who thought it was funny to laugh with there friends and call me wiggy, garibaldi (thats a type of biscuit in england) slaphead you get the jist!!! and i just ignored them or on one occasion when i was 14 got upset and went home to tell my dad ha ha who then stormed round to the boys in question and told them in the nicest possible way that he would "rip there heads off" if they upset his daughter again GO DAD!!!! ha ha probably not the best way to go about things but it worked, I found that once people got to know me and my personality it was never really an issue.
As i got older 17 onwards I was a very confident person and told everybody!!! I have been in night clubs and girls have approached me in the toilets whilst i have been combing my hair/wig or putting lipstick on and said oh your hair is gorgeous where do you get it done and without thinking should i tell or not, have proudly announced to a bathroom full of girls "its a wig" i have a bald head to which ive had mixed reactions some have said oh you poor thing....blah blah and some have said wow your really brave some have said good on ya girl never had a negative comment said to my face.
Boyfriends and boys ive met.....
This was a little more tricky my first real boyfriend when i was 17 was a looker (later found out a bit of an arse nothing to do with my hair though) we met in a club and we decided to meet for a date, got on great but i didnt mention i wore a wig, had quite a few dates now and again he would try to touch my hair and i always moved away, then one night at his house i thought i have to tell him so about 6 weeks into the relationship i built up the courage and told him, he said thank god for that i thought you wasnt interested cause you pulled away when he tried to touch my head, and after that it was never an issue we were together 5 years lived together and had 2 children but as i said he was an arse, he gambled and had a few flings I know these were nothing to do with me having alopecia he was just a dirty dog ha ha!!!!
Came to my senses and chucked him out on his ear haha seeeeyaaaa!!!!
After this i went on a few dates some guys i told some i never bothered to,
not because i was affraid of there reaction but just didnt see the need,
The guy im with now Dave my husband to be and father of my 3rd child (and last lol) knew from the start i was 28 he was 34 and it has never ever bothered him, He says im the funniest most gorgeous person with my wig on or off, We go shopping together for new wigs for me and he has been known to put them on and walk into our front room whilst family/friends have been sat there and sit down like there is nothing different ha ha.
So all in all ive always found it easy to tell people and as the years have gone on i find myself tellng people who dont really need to know but i tell them cause in a strange way im proud of the fact that im such a fun, outgoing, and im not that bad lookin lol AND IM A BALDIE!!!! its always a good topic of conversation, learn to love your baldie head even though ive always worn a wig but thats just personal preferance im not embarressed to be au, nobody should be, The older ive become the more open ive become its just a matter of confidence which comes with age.
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Permalink Reply by Rebecca on
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Hi, Caroline!
I had hide my Alopecia for all my friends and classmates. When I was 12, I was soon the be bald. I had to tell them, was my only thought. I stand all alone, in front of 17 friends and told them my history. I said specially that I wasn`t going to die and it wasn`t contagious. I still was the "same old" Rebecca, but now I lost my beautifull, long, blonde hair. I was SO scared! But my friends and class took it very good. They didn`t care about my hair, they love me with or without hair. When I got in a new class, my old teatcher told them that I have alopecia and use wigs. They was and still is fantastic.
When I was 14, I decided that I wanted to help other people with Alopecia. Not everybody want to tell them, because they are scared, just like you. So, I arraid in TOPP, the biggest teenager magazin in Norway. My hole school, my hole homeplace and the hole country were going to find it out. When the magazin got out, I was alot teased. In the start it was hard.. I got alot teased, people talk back my back.. I never been psychic strong, and I was on BUP (psychiatry for children and teenagers, I had to go an psychologist) in a half year. But one day, I found at that it wasen´t me which were an big "bald girl". Yeah, I were bald. And a girl. But HELL no, why should somebody tell me something I was VERY clear over? So I started to be a "bitch" when somebody was brassy. Today, there is nobody who try to say anything to me on a negative way. Because I'm not afraid to be myself anylonger.
My friends and class have been a big part of the help on my way. I can not be more thankfull, they are great. Im glad i told them. I'm a bit pity for my arraid in TOPP, but people with Alopecia have came to me and said "thank you" becaus it have maid them more happy with theirself and they have told their friends it. I think my life have been more hard if I didn`t told my friends and class it. Its a little bit funny when the boys try my wigs ;) Im happy that I did told them it! :)
Good luck!
Best wishes, Rebecca.
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Permalink Reply by Heather on
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Hi Caroline. I'm thirteen too. All of my hair has fallen out and I wear a wig so I don't have to worry about people seeing the spots but I might be able to help. In elementary school, I only had a few spots but I wanted to tell me class anyway. I had a doctor who was a family friend come and explain it to the class. Now it's more awkward because I'm at highschool. I've told my P.E. teacher about Alopecia because I can't do things like gymnasitics without my wig on. And I've told my closest group of friends. I still don't know who to tell and it's really awkward so I pretty much have the same questions as you. The reaction I've gotton from the people I've told is mostly confusion which can also be awkward.
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Permalink Reply by Daria on
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Hi Caroline. Choosing whether or not to tell people is something you're going to have to deal with the rest of your life. I'm 36 and still don't tell everybody right away!! But all my family, friends and neighbors know and I'm glad they do. It's hard keeping it a secret. The only people I don't tell right away are my clients (I run a daycare business out of my home and don't want the parents to think I'm too sick to care for their kids) So I gradually break it to them after they see how much fun their kids have in daycare. I'll stop wearing my wig and wear a ball cap or bandanna and see what they say. So far, no one has had a problem and everyone has been totally cool about the whole thing. I know it's hard, I know it's scary....but deep down most people are okay with it. Especially if they're your friends. Some of my friends say they've gotten to the point where they can't even remember if I wore a wig or not the day before....they're that used to it. And if they're not okay with it....well, then they must have some really low self-esteem themselves!!
You mentioned you have spots. There is a product out there that you can get online called Toppik. Depending on the size of your spots, you can use this stuff to cover them up if they're not too big. It's these colored fibers that you shake over your head and they ahere with natural old static. It comes in different colors so you can match it to your own hair and you just sprinkle it on. It's like a big pepper shaker that you shake on your head!! I'm totally bald now, but when I just had spots I used to use it every day and I LOVED it!!! But good luck with whatever you choose. You know you'll always find support here!
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Permalink Reply by Caroline on
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I want to say thankyou to all of you! You are amazing =] thank you sooooo much for the stories and advice. I really enjoy hearing from everyone. It helps alot!
lots of love and hugs -Caroline
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Permalink Reply by VanessaVandalism on
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well... i told my friends and people who were like "AHAHAHA BALDY!!!" im like, "sure just you wait until your old and bald."
my brother didnt know what it was and hes like "oh your so retarded and lazy and your hair is falling out and your not gonna get anywhere in life" and then i explained alopecia to him and he was like... "*coughs*.....*scratches head* hmm..."
XD
so yeah i think just explaining it to people would help.
of course ppl might make fun of you, but who cares what they think?
whenever i go to school i always put my hand up every few seconds and cover my bald spots.
i think maybe getting a wig would be easier?
because then you dont have to worry about covering bald spots and if someone pulls it off they'll notice that you have hair and they'll be confused XD
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