Does this ever become easier?

Im just having such bad couple days, Ill do good for days then become overwhelmed that I will look this way for the rest of my life. I just want to not care what I look like! I feel so vain that Im so concerned how I look... but I do. I hate having the lack of confidence that has cone with this Disease. Im tired of waking up with the feeling of dread that I have to go through another day hairless. Im so heartbroken that no matter what clothes I wear, I look in the mirror and feel " whats the point? I look like a freak" I cant even pull off wearing a hat, it looks like Im trying to cover up chemo, and no eyebrows make hat look so "off" I always,ALWAYS have the hairless thing on my mind up front or in the back. I just want to not care... how the hell do you get to that place of complete acceptance??? And Im tired of looks from people as if "that guy looks so weird"

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Permalink Reply by SabineTawni on April 20, 2017 at 1:24pm

Sorry, Tom, but feelings are not a "choice"; they are a given.  I am a 68-year- old female with AU.  Do I feel "sorry for myself"?  Of course, I do!  I am glad that I feel that way because that is the way that I am suppose to feel about my situation.  Tell me, do you honestly believe that I am suppose to feel happy for myself that I have AU?  However, I do have other feelings as well, so my feelings about my AU are not the only ones that I have in my life.  Generally speaking, those other more positive feelings enable me to live a reasonably contented life. Truthfully, Tom, in spite of what the clueless psychotherapy industry tries to tell you, the only "choice" you have with your feelings is to be honest about them, and then try to do the best you can with the situation that you are given.  Pretending that you can pick and choose your feelings is nothing more than a delusion that causes more harm than good.

Permalink Reply by Tom on April 21, 2017 at 11:55pm
Honestly you can make choices. Am I happy that I have AU ? Well no and I never said I was happy for having it.I said we can either choose to get back to living our lives or we can give up as most on this page suggest. It's my life and I refuse to waste it. I refuse to feel sorry for myself and don't want anyone else to feel sorry for me.
I live my life to the best of my abilities. I refuse to accept less.
If I didn't have Alopecia would I then be perfect , would I then be happy and not have any doubt or fear. Not me God did not make perfect other than Alopecia. Not by a long shot. I deal with this just like any other obstacle. Figure out the best I can do and go for it. And that is the honest truth.If that makes anyone unhappy I don't care. You handle it your way I will handle it mine.
Permalink Reply by SabineTawni on April 22, 2017 at 10:35am

I agree that you can make choices about how you handle your feelings,Tom.  But I don't believe that you can pick and choice your feelings.  I have also tried to "refuse" to feel a certain way, and all I ended up doing was refusing to ADMIT that I felt a certain way.  Being honest about your feelings is not wasting your life--living a lie is wasting your life.  In my case, while my alopecia universalis is a part of my life, it is not the whole of my life.  I am not a people-pleaser (used to be, but gave that up a long time ago), so if people do not approve of the way that I feel, that is their problem.  But I do agree with you that we all have to find our own way of handling adversity.  I just don't think that because someone has decided not to pursue a lost cause that means that they are "giving up".  It sometimes simply means they have moved and are trying something else.

Permalink Reply by Hilly on April 20, 2017 at 10:55am

Hi Rascal. To answer your question whether it becomes easier, in my experience yes it certainly does. That's not to say it will become easy-breezy, but easier, certainly. I wouldn't compare your experience as a male with alopecia to a female one though. It's different, sure, but who knows which gender has it "easier," and who cares? It's sometimes tough for males, females, and those who don't identify as either.

My suggestion is to find a girlfriend or boyfriend, try to stop focusing on your alopecia, or own it. And having alopecia does make dating the hottest girl or guy in the room harder, but it's not like those with the fullest of full head of hair have an easy time either. 

As for make-up and wigs, I wouldn't wholeheartedly dismiss those options. Permanent eyebrows look so similar to real ones these days - I'd look for one in a city near you (I don't know where you live). You won't look like a drag queen, I promise, unless you want to, which is also cool. And you can wear a wig or even get permanent tattoo of stubble on your head, or just go bald (I did). Also, to support my answer that it does get easier, as you reach middle age, an increasing number of guys are bald -- you just can look cooler like Michael Jordan or Vin Diesel sooner than others ;) 

I know it sucks, but it sucks a whole lot less as you get older and generally feel more confident anyway. That's at least my take.

Permalink Reply by femmemuscle on April 22, 2017 at 8:30pm

Hey Guys..

People are judgemental no matter WHAT you look like.  Okay, when i lost my hair (several times), i remember working in Oakland CA.  I only had 1/4 of hair on my scalp, so i took what i had left over and put it up kind of like a pompadour up-do.  When i came into work one morning, a group of homeless guys were sitting on the wall of the clinic that i work at,  watching the pretty girls go by.  

Well, when i walked by in my lab coat and that up-do.   They all stared for about a good 30 seconds, and GUFFAWED with laughter.  They were holding their stomaches and rolling on the ground laughing so hard.  I became angry at first, then realized - hey.. yeah.  I look pretty goofy with basically no hair, and this sprout in the front.  So when i made it to the front door of the clinic?  I turned, and looked dead in their direction, opened the door and did a grand, sweeping bow.

They stopped laughing for another 15 seconds as i did this gesture - then cracked up again.  I started laughing myself, and walked into work.  What the hell.

Fast Forward.  2017.. My hair grows back.  I'm wearing it blow-dried straight, and off the face.  I have chiseled features and am part Native American.  This does take people off-guard.  

I go to the gym, and am an ex-sports model, ex-pro bodybuilder, etc. and even in an XXXL t-shirt and baggy pants, i turn heads even though i stay covered up.  

Guess what?  Two overweight hispanic females were glaring at me in the locker room as i was removing my gym gear from the locker.  

One of them walks right up tweeks one my of natural 38D breasts and says: "We were watching you lifting in the gym and were wondering if you were a guy."  I became quite pissed, slapped her hand away and walked off.  (I chuckled later)..

The moral of this story?  No matter what you do?  People will judge you.  What one has to learn?

Don't DO or BE ANYTHING in life to be accepted by others, ever...

Permalink Reply by Teri on April 24, 2017 at 1:53pm
Rascalx2,
I am exactly where you are. I am finally wearing wigs. It's better than without them but everyday I wake up and still cannot believe I wear a wig. You are not alone. Just wanted you to know
Permalink Reply by Rascalx2 on April 24, 2017 at 3:56pm
Thanks Teri, I cant believe I actually purchased eyebrows on line! I still dont wear them . I go out out everyday hairless. I keep trying to be positive that this alopecia is going to become an asset in some bizarre way. I do however remember when I had full head of hair and quite honestly had no problems! I was never concerned over things like I am with this alopecia obstacle! The reality can really sting at times, I still have days when Im feeling pretty good, going about day and life .. then I look in the mirror, and think WTF? How did this happen?
Permalink Reply by Return_life on April 24, 2017 at 8:44pm
don't lose hope.
the next few seconds biologics for alopecia are around the corner. u are same kind of responder than me... I posted my history a few times. hopefully I will post pics soon.
Permalink Reply by Teri on April 24, 2017 at 9:39pm
I still wake up and can't believe I'm wearing a wig. It is hard. But I do go out and enjoy my kids more with a wig than before I had one. I think I missed out on a lot those almost two years. So. I guess we have an option right? At least we have these forums to understand we have support!
Permalink Reply by Little-Link on April 27, 2017 at 2:10pm

I have AU for 20 years ... i had wing and everything but 2 years ago i get micro pigmentation ( illusion of  follecule for the hair) and permanent make up for my eyesbrows. It,s look amazing and i feel amazing and nobody thinks i do chemo anymore.

This is an exemple: http://www.fur-mc.com/ENGLISH/micropigmentation.html

Permalink Reply by Bonnie Piper on May 6, 2017 at 8:46pm

Hi 

Sorry for the late reply but I have just joined and your post really resonated with me. Like you I am struggling big time. I find it easier to no longer look in mirrors as the hideous thing that stares back at me frightens me.

All I can say is that at 40 years of age i hate this but for the sake of my daughters, husband and family I have to stay strong. 

Like you I have no hair, no eyebrows and little hair and what is amazing is that all of the people I have met in the medical world from a top consultant in the medical world to a patronzing horrendous wig stylist is that people do not care at all. Alopecia is  just simply swept under the carpet - unbelievable given the impact it has on a person's life.....

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