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Granddaughter's reaction
I recently shaved my hair down to about 1/2 inch or so because I've lost so much anyway; and, I wanted to give my scalp a break from the traction hair loss. Anyway, I have a 7 yr old granddaughter who I get to see about every other month. I wore a cap the first visitation after I cut my hair off. She asked why I was wearing it; and, when I explained, she wanted to see my hair. I took my hat off; and, her only reaction then was "wow, you did lose a lot." She never said anything else or indicated that it bothered her. So, I wasn't sure what she was thinking. Our next visit we went to a movie. Part way through, I said I wanted to take my hat off 'cause it was a bit hot in the theater. She didn't say anything. But she looked at me with wide eyes, moved to the edge of her seat, and stiffened herself so she was looking directly at the movie screen. That just about broke my heart. She is one of the few people in my life who I really care about upsetting. I'm not sure how to talk to her about this. I don't want her to be one of those people who thinks there's something wrong with people who have hair loss. I don't want her to be distant from me because of it. If my hat is on, she's her usual laughing energetic self. When the hat comes off, she freezes. To make matters more complicated, she's not legally a part of my family; she was adopted and I have visitation as long as her parents say I can. If I give her any reason to not want to see me, that'll be it. They won't make her; and, I'll lose her. Really sad thing is she's very likely to inherit this. The female pattern baldness is frequently passed from paternal grandmother to her grandchildren (if they're going to get it). My sister and I both got it from our paternal grandmother. Anyway, I'm just afraid I'll alienate my granddaughter instead of being the inspiration for her to understand this. I don't know what to do. The parents don't really want to talk to me about anything; so, I'm pretty much on my own here.
Sorry for the rambling on...
Sorry for the rambling on...
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Angie on
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Hi Nancy,
I'm sure it took you sometime to accept your condition. You needed a support system to help you with your grieving, She does too. I think you should talk to her about it. If you don't she will form her own thoughts. Don't make her day about your hair. Guide her with love and compassion for you. Don't tell her about the paternal grandmother thing, she might think it will happen to her. Maybe you girls can go to the library and get books from the children department about hair lost. My grandson is 7yrs, I told him about it, he caught me crying before. He's okay as long as I'm okay. I ask him If he thought my hair grow enough to take my hat off. One time he said" No, not yet Nana" One time he said" It's up to you" One time he said" yes and your hair look nice, who cares!" Give her some time, and ask her if you if she think it will be okay. Don't just tell her your going to take your hat off, Include her with the decision. I made my grandson protective of me. If the door rings, he make sure I have my head covering. He make sure, I'm okay. We mold children , so just make her compassionate not embarrassed about your situation. I pray for your granddaughter's understanding. Just give her time, don't deal with the situation at every meeting. It's about you and her having fun. Not hair.
Hugsx10
Please keep us updated and remember you have a whole lot of sisters and brother who care about you.
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Permalink Reply by Rodeli on
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Hi Nancy--I sent you an email with my thoughts--it is a bit long and very personal for posting for everyone, but I think it will address some of your concerns and give you some insights too. It will all work out. Angie brings up some good points too.
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Thanks Rodeli. I know it's going work out for Nancy. It's just something special about grandchildren and their grandmas. I hope your doing well this evening.
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Permalink Reply by Rennie M on
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I have alopecia which is rather different from female pattern baldness but I lost the lot. Before it all fell out I made what at the time was the hardest decision of my life and that was to shave it all off. My oldest son a hardened policeman cried when he saw me and yet my other son thought it looked good. My youngest grandson said "grandma you look like an alien" which confirmed that I would look better covered! I have hardly ever worn a hat or scarf but after a lot of tears and trials have worn wigs for some 15 years and once you get used to them are cooler and more comfortable than hats and if a mono topreally look like the real thing. I have never hidden the fact that I have the problem and that has meant people feel free to compliment me on my latest style or colour which boosts your confidence no end (they will say if they don't like one as they know I can change it). I have very rarely gone out without a wig on as it is other people who are made to feel uncomfortable by it not me. I do have some very thin elasticated bandanas which are good in really hot weather or for playing golf etc but truly once you get used to wearing a wig you can put your problem almost behind you and concentrate on much more important things in life. I am lucky I have my health when so many who have suffered hair loss have not. My grandchildren got used to bald grandma in a very short time and the only time it was even mentioned was when their dog ran off with one and would'nt let go!!
My suggestion - get used to a wig that way you don't embarrass anyone and carry a fan - battery or otherwise.
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I got my courage to shave from looking at all the kids pics on this site If they can do it so can I!!! I would talk to the parents tell them you want to share the pics then explain to her ,you are still grandma and you will always love her AND ITS JUST HAIR. If GUYS CAN SHAVE IT ALL OFF WHY CAN'T WE?? Have a fashion show with your hats and scarves and let her pick the one to wear for the day.You can empower her with the gift of being proud of who you are with out hair. I wish I had someone to tell me I was the greatest with or without hair!!! She will be learning compassion at a young age and it will carry her through life. Sometimes these things bring out great things in kids. She can start growing her hair for Locks for Love! Good feelings come from helping others!!!! Good luck and let us know how things go. Lots of Love Linda
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Hi, I wear a wig, and yes, at times it gets hot. However, there is an upside. You just slip it on give a few quick swips with a brush and you are ready to go. My Granddaughter, now 4, spends the night with me and I don't wear my wig to bed. So, she has seen me with and without the wig. She doesn't really care, she even likes to try my wigs on and look in the mirror. I too worried about her reaction and just treated it as normal, and so does she. However, I don't want to go outside without my wig, I have seen a picture of me, it shows true, compared to a mirror. I don't look good bald. Some people have beautiful shaped heads, or beautiful faces with or without hair. Sadly, that is not me. Knowing this I wear my wig. Almost no one can tell. I have had people tell me that my hair is really nice, and ask were I get it cut.
When I tell them I am wearing a wig they are surprised. I tell them so that more people will learn about alopecia.
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Permalink Reply by Ann Wilson on
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If it were me, I would try to discuss it with her further. Explain how you feel about your situation and how much worse it could be, that it is basically a cosmetic issue. Ask her what she would do in your situation. Draw her into the solution. Seven year olds are pretty sharp! If you make it seem like a part of life, she may accept it too. Don't make too big a deal out of it and she won't either. She is being confronted with the way life can be and that's a good thing. I told my granddaughter at age 3 because she wouldn't leave my wig alone. She acted a little distant for awhile but it didn't last long and we have a great relationship. She's 16 now. She knows it's part of the way my life is and accepts it as such, as do my other grandchildren.
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Permalink Reply by JoJo on
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Hi Nancy
My heart goes out to all of you. I lost all my hair in January of this year at the age of 55. I have no parents, grandparents, or great grandparents who have lost their hair including all of the men. I have lost mine through Thryoid and Diabetes and I have Alopecia Universalis. My husband, three children, two grandsons and their wives have been super supportive. The ones that have not are my sister and sister-in-law. They have not even called to see how I am. Funny how people react. Grandchildren are very special to us and with her tender age of 7 will need some time for change. I believe with all my heart that in a very short time, it will mean nothing for her to be with you no matter what is on your head. Stay strong .........
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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on
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Hi Nancy, did you mention how old she is? If i were you i would try to stay as positive about it as possible. Accept yourself and she will too. Instead of asking her permission if it's ok to remove your hat, tell yourself it is & that you wont loose her and she'll pick up on your postive energy and will more than likely accept it. She's just not used to it. She just needs time to adjust. You both do. Also, since children like to look at beautiful things & people maybe you could wear some makeup,earrings or both to enhance your beauty. She will see that you Still feel beautiful and eventually see you that way.
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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My grandson is 7. When I watched him last week, I did it without my wig on. He asked why I wasn't wearing it, and I told him it was too hot. We got along fine in the house, and I wore my garden hat when we went into the front yard to plant seeds. The next Monday, his mom shaved his head (he had longish hair) for Youth Football...so now, he is cooler, too. His dad had hair shaved for military, and many of the dads of his friends, and his little friends, also have shaved heads.
Girls in this era are into the dolls and rock-singer-long-hair again (see all the Disney channel girls). If you want to keep this particular little girl smiling, forget the adult politics of alopecia and wear what will make her relate to you. The relationship is the most important thing to keep right now. Accepting and being desensitized to alopecia may have to come later, slowly, with maturity, and via examples other than you until (or even IF) she gets it. She may have been curious in private, but embarrassed in public. That's a kid for you. At least, if she has genes for this and she loses hair, she will know who the family member is who she can talk to. In the meantime, don't forewarn or scare her...let her enjoy herself, her hair, her time with you.
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Permalink Reply by Patti Clum on
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Hi Nancy,
I understand how you feel, and it is an honest feeling to worry about what others think, especially those we love.
I have Alopecia Areata, and have heard that this is normally a hereditary disorder though no-one in my family has had it that I'm aware of. I didn't even know I was losing my hair, sadly. I woke up one day with a bald spot the size of a softball on the left back side of my head. My husband noticed it and told me to go see a doctor. After a series of different treatments, that all caused other health issues, I finally gave up traditional medicine and went for herbal treatment. My alopecia continues but not nearly as drastic.
However, when I lost my hair I was very self concious of it and what others thought. I was afraid they'd think I was a freak. Eventually, I went out and bought a wig. It was a hit. Everyone I worked with and in my family was more supportive than I could have imagined. In fact, it became fun to change my look daily, and everyone would look forward to my next look. I now have about 12 - 14 different looks. My poor husband forgets who he went to the store with and even when I'm standing next to him, he's looking for me. I have a lot of fun with it, and have drawn others into it as well and I've shown them that it's not so awful to deal with this.
There was such a stigma in my family about wigs, and my mother still has issues with me wearing them though she understands more now. I have most of my hair back, but hate to torture it by using a blow dryer, styling chemicals, a curling iron and such, as I'm trying to let my head heal. So I continue to wear the wigs when I go out. When I'm home, I just let it go naturally.
The truth about people is that they react to your reactions. If you show you are carefree and having fun, then it won't scare them as much. I get so many compliments on my styles, and I'm not at all afraid to tell people they are wigs and take the opportunity to inform them about Alopecia. I had one lady comment on how lovely the color blending was and wanted to know what shade I'd used - I told her plastic. Then explained that it was a wig. She couldn't believe it was since it looked so real. I told her (and many others), regardless of whether you have hair or not, it can be fun to try on the wigs. If you're looking for a new style, trying on wigs is a much less permanent way to see if a style looks good or not. It has opened a lot of eyes.
Being 7, I'm betting that if you take your granddaughter shopping with you for a wig, she'll have fun helping you pick out a new look, and then you'll have a secret to share. It will make her feel more at ease as a young girl, and should she experience this herself later in life, it will help her accept that it is not the end of the world and that she has options - fun ones - for dealing with it. Young girls love playing dress up.
I've actually had ladies and their daughters over to my house, and pulled out all of the different colors and styles, and we had a party trying them all on. It was a lot of fun. Now when I go out to dinner and meet up with my neighbor and her daughter, we have a lot of fun with it. If I get there first, they have to guess which table I'm at - kind of a mystery. And when they tell the hostess that they're meeting a friend and she asks what the friend looks like, they reply "depends on the day". It has become a lot of fun for everyone, and there's no room for shame or embarrassment. Everyone is comfortable with it, because I am. It's really cool.
I hope this helps you to see a few different ways of making this easier for both you and your granddaughter. In the end, it's just hair. It doesn't define or change who you are. Have fun with it.
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