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Hair loss affecting a marriage -- am I the only one?
I'm not sure what I'm hoping for -- advice?? Someone else who knows what I'm going through?
But I'm surprised I have not seen this mentioned anywhere, or maybe I missed it.
My hair loss has really affected our marriage. My husband says he has a hard time finding me attractive anymore, and it's obvious from his actions as well. Obviously this has all kinds of ramifications.
How do other people cope with this??
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by chris for hair on
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Gary, There are many women that find bald men attractive. Your wife may not be one of them, or it may be another issue entirely that is causing her to blame everything on your hair loss. If I were in your shoes, I would try to examine your life and marriage and see IF there might be another issue here. If not, she does not deserve to judge you this harshly. Bald or not, you are who you are, this should be the basis of your relationship, not the superficial elements we all face. As we grow older we all lose features that are deemed attractive. We must accept that and do our best to grow as humans. Courage and wisdom is what hardship can bring to our lives.
For me, I choose courage and wisdom over physical attributes that will always fail with time. Be who you are, face what life brings, and someone out there will appreciate you.
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Permalink Reply by leah on
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(Re-posting to Gary) :)...Hello Jenny, Gary and all, My heart goes out to you! Being told someone doesn't find you attractive anymore hurts and sucks. I've been told before, but am not married. I feel it lack maturity of that person who says and more shows an ugly side of them. Everyone is human, but is cruel to say and hopefully they can see error. Attrativeness really is mote than superfical and they are missing out! Honesty is good, however commitment to work thur in sickness / health a priority. Compassion and work on keeping / bldg. passion, respect part of too. Things always change and you both are beautiful / attractive! Don't let anyone make feel less than, I've struggled w/ confidence w/ alocepia & working on trying show my bald pretty/shiny head!:o) Etc. And think good relationships grow and have challenges! I wish all the best with yours
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Permalink Reply by paula on
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i'm so sorry for what you are going through. i do agree with those who are a bit angry at your husband because love should conquer all.....and he didn't fall in love with your hair, he fell in love with you. or....if he DID fall in love with your hair, then that is a bit shallow. my hair started falling out when i met my husband to be.....and for someone who was into appearances....he surprised me and saw me through it all. now....i am dating a new man after my divorce....and of course i had to tell him about my alopecia. it was a bit embarrassing for me still after 32 years of au.....but.....he said right off the bat....i love you....not your hair! ( that's good because i don't have any lol) ...but..you may take this opportunity...just an idea...to really examine your relationship and marriage. perhaps your foundation is not that strong. i'd say definitely think about getting some therapy together....and take a long hard look at your marriage. couldn't hurt. stay strong....you are beautiful and if he doesn't see that, then maybe it's not meant to be.
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Permalink Reply by Nachiketa Sanyal on
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Jenny, I understand your sadness. I feel blessed to have a boyfriend who has steadfastly loved me even when I felt I looked my ugliest ever.. this is perhaps the biggest reason I prevented myself from sliding into depression- his constant love and companionship always..
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Permalink Reply by Crispix67 on
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I am so sorry you are experiencing this :-( I agree with those who have recommended counseling. I also agree it can be very difficult for our loved ones to cope with our hair loss. Sometimes. I know in my case, my dad does not like to see me bald.I once asked mom why and she said"Because he just wants to sees his little girl." Yeah, that didn't go over too well. :-)
I agree that your journey to acceptance should come on your terms, not anyone else's. Covering yourself to make others feel comfortable is basically shaming yourself.
I also agree that bouncing his words back at him would be good. If done in a non defensive mature way. Just say calmly, "I'd you were in my shoes, and were losing your hair, how would it feel if I said I am not attracted to you without hair?" Hopefully your husband has empathy and can see this would hurt very much.
I wish you the best of luck.
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Permalink Reply by Dorothy on
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While I greived my loss of hair after only 6 months of being married, my husband was a stand up guy. He never treated me differently, actually told me he did not marry my hair, but the person I am with or without my hair. He stayed with me and encouraged me until he died, we had been married for 38 years.
I would suggest you and your husband seek counseling, if that does not work and get him past this then you have to decide what it is you want.
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Permalink Reply by tall blonde 1 on
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Dorothy, I too lost my hair after my wedding. I liked reading your story. Good for both of you!
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Jenny you are definitely NOT alone. My hair loss began when I was 23... 2 months after my wedding. Now that I am 45...and still married... our relationship has been through many changes. I have worn wigs, hats, do-rags and also nothing as I walk about the house... the attractiveness has waxed and waned through the years, but that can be expected in any marriage.
I hope that it will inspire you to know that when I feel good about myself, my husband finds it sexy. When I am depressed or down or feel unattractive because of my hair, he feels that vibe. NOTHING is more sexy than a woman who owns herself. I do wear a wig most of the time and I do feel my best in it. It is a short one that I can "forget about". The long ones are always in your face and itchy etc... When YOU feel good about you, things will get better. Definitely allow yourself to have feelings about your condition; I am not just saying to make lemonade with the lemons. Grieve. Lament. Get pissed. Break things. THEN... embrace what you can, including your husband.
I just celebrated 17 years marriage.
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Permalink Reply by SweetlyFree on
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Please know that I understand your pain. My husband had never told me that I'm no longer attractive. However, actions speak louder than words. He doesn't like when I change wigs, or go bald. I never hear him say anything positive regarding how I look when I am wearing makeup and hair. Presently, we're separated. I'm not angered or bitter towards him. I "overstand", that illness can be difficult for those that have never experienced the symptoms. As for me I'm thankful that I'm breathing, living and continuing on with my beautiful life.
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This post makes me glad I'm single. At least I only have to fight for my own acceptance. I've already started letting people I go on dates with know what's going on with me. I don't want this type of surprise in the future.
In general, men are allowed to grow older, balder, fatter and still maintain their value. So a lot of what I see here is a mentality of "you disappointed me by becoming less than my expectations" voiced/felt by men, and of women accepting this judgement. It's a much bigger problem than hair, and it's mostly an inability to accept changes in our bodies.
But honestly any man or woman who cannot accept this, is someone who is far more concerned with maintaining a status quo than your actual well being. Hair loss SUCKS, but guess what - plenty of women deal and have dealt with that from men throughout the years. Now, it's becoming more and more visible in women and men can't handle it.
Do your thing. Having to wear a wig when you don't like to wear wig just screams out trying to fit in for other people's benefit.
I'm working on this struggle too.
L
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Hair makes a tremendous statement. I've noticed recently how long beautiful hair makes women without attractive faces seem attractive. It's therefore a tremendous loss to any woman to lose the "advantage" of a lush head of hair. My husband seems fine with my hair loss. I'm the one needing the adjustment time. I wear cotton caps to bed and try to schedule lovemaking as much as I can, so that I can sex it up, i.e. put on a sexy wig, do makeup and wear lingerie. I do this for me since my husband doesn't seem to care. But it makes me feel more attractive. Maybe you could try this, to show your husband that the sexy woman still resides in your bald body. I've found it helps me accept, that I don't have hair, to still know I'm attractive. Good luck.
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I was married to a man with alopecia universalis, who had difficulty finding himself handsome.i thought he was beautiful because he was a beautiful person inside, and handsome outside, even without hair. We divorced four years ago for various reasons but NOT his lack of hair. Seven years ago due to the stress of our marital problems I began losing my own hair. It became so thin I decided to shave it off. I've been bald ever since. On my Grammy-winning CD "Eleanora Fagan: To Billie with Love from Dee Dee" I am bald on the cover. I decided that I was tired of my thinning hair and the complications of trying to find styles to camouflage the fact. I decided I wanted people to look me in the eyes instead of at my hairdos. I decided I was a beautiful human being, without the hair, or need thereof. I recently grew my hair out to hold a wig on for an off-Broadway musical I starred in called "Lady Day, the Musical". After the four month run at the Little Shubert Theater, I decided once again to shave my head, as I refaced the thinning hair again. Perhaps I have partial alopecia, I don't know. All I know is I feel whole bald, that I have reached a higher spiritual level, defining my own beauty. I refuse to allow my beauty to be dictated. I will do the dictating. I am comfortable and happy in my skin. Because I walk with confidence people accept me for who I am. I have men-friends who find my bald head sexy, because I decided I am sexy. Any man who cannot accept his wife/lady/companion for her natural beautiful self without the hair needs to examine whether he truly loves his woman. He's hung up on societal dictates. Bald-headed women, alopecia or not, you are BEAUTIFUL. Let your inner beauty shine through. Embrace all of 'you'. I stand with you, consciously! BALD IS BEAUTIFUL!
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