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How do I ever feel sexy again?
Hi All -
Wanting some advice and tips on how to feel "sexy" again. My husband and I are having a tough time in relation to intimacy. I have lost all self-confidence and he doesn't seem to understand why.
He is saying that it's always my issues that we have to overcome, and that he still finds me attractive, sexy and wants me to want him. I find myself thinking of everything like I don't want him to see me without my hat on, what if my hat falls off during intimacy, etc., etc., etc.
Am I self-sabotaging?! I wear wigs during the day - should I wear one to overcome the self-consciousness?
How do I get my mojo back??
He is trying to find his own way of dealing with my lack of sex drive. I would hate to think of how he is going to "deal with this."
In a way it feels like he is chucking a tantrum because things aren't going his way.
Has anyone been through this? What did you do to overcome it? HELP?!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Dorothy on
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I have AU, it all came on within two weeks. At first I could not stand wigs they itched, it was summer, so as soon as we got home, off they came. So sex without the wig was never an issue. Did I feel sexy, no. Did I go thru times of not feeling like a woman, OH YES, but I was young and that part of our relationship was not broken and was never an issue, I was broken but those times were the only times I felt normal.
If it makes you feel better, wear a wig, I have to wear one to bed once in awhile when in the hospital or when traveling, they do not come off that easily.
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Permalink Reply by kiki68 on
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I have had AA for 13 years. I have not really let anyone but certain close family see my patchy head. Once or twice I have shaved it off, but I prefer to keep the little I have for extra grip on my wig. The one or two times I glued on a wig I felt terrible: I live on the equator and the heat is no fun. So I only wear wigs during the day, no glue. My husband tells me I am beautiful, and sexy and shows me by the way he looks at me, makes love to me, takes care of me. He knows my touchy topics so we do not joke about my head! It does not mean I always feel the same way. I want to cover up sometimes, I feel so ugly, yet other times I look in the mirror and feel beautiful. Martina, I think it comes down to this: are you willing to destroy your marriage because of (lack of) hair?
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Permalink Reply by Skin on
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Hi Martina.
Fiona has hit the nail on the head, it's all about you feeling comfortable with yourself. I too have Universalis. I got it at the age of 17 & I'm now 50. Once you've got your confidence back, the "sexiness" comes naturally.
Personally, I've never worn a wig & struggled through the first 18 months wearing a beanie hat. During one summer, it just got too hot to wear it, so I threw it in a bin at work & never looked back. Why not try to do what Fiona did & go "topless" (that's no wig, by the way...ahem!), you'd not only love the experience, but your sexiness & confidence would be back pretty quickly.
I know everybody on here will have their own opinions, but mine is that, you won't get your mojo back until you lose the wig & love yourself for who you are (with or without the wig). You're a very pretty woman & you CAN pull this off!!
- Good luck.
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This problem is not unique to those with AA/AU. New Moms with changed bodies feel this way; people who have gained weight feel this way, people with surgical scars.
Even aging brings about changes in body appearance that can be distressing. Those changes are gradual, and AA/AU comes on so suddenly. Perhaps makes this more of a problem.
A good counselor might be able to help, books can help, this forum can help, and friends can help. And remember that the loss of hair is a big loss, and allow time to grieve. Life will go on, and you will go on, too,
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Permalink Reply by Martina Wright on
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Sitting here reading all of these responses in tears. Why?- because I. finally get it. Im not alone in this. For so many years my husband has tried everything, to try to put me at ease. He loves me for me- not for my hair. Its still a battle but something that I will overcome. Im not sick- thank God. Sometimes I need to just "let go" in the past few days I feel like I have turned a corner. I know it may be a struggle from time to time, but I can handle it- and if I am struggling im going to say something not just push him away. All these answers were just what the doctor ordered. This page is such a bolster to me at times. Keep smiling peeps.xxxxx much gratitude
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Permalink Reply by elena radivoyevitch on
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Ok so this is what I did
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So basically I decided that the only way to survive a summer in Georgia was to stop wearing a wig...ive been shaving my head for years now...I was too scared to be seen without a hat on. I didn't want people to stare at my bald head. So I decided if people were gonna stare...might as well give them something to look at. So I started to get my tattoo...surprisingly I've never not had a bad comment ever. Everyone that I pass by absolutely adores my tattoo...I can't go out without some random person telling me either how awesome it is or how much it hurt. I kinda like being a savannah landmark...:)
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The tattoo is brilliant. How did you decide what to get-who designed for you. I live in New England and cover up for warmth most of the year but it does get hot occasionally, and I love the look. Think I would try with henna temporary first, but have to find someone to do that.
And you must do your eyes, beautiful, beautiful...
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Permalink Reply by Leah England on
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Coming out seems to be the reoccurring theme here... I know that for me, that's what finally got my sexual "juices" flowing again. I am shocked all the time by men approaching me and telling me how beautiful and sexy (and some men aren't even appropriate about it!!) my bald look is to them. I hate to say it, but that really put me at ease. Before I came out, I had made a decision to DO IT, but my feelings didn't match my decision. I still FELT insecure, but didn't act that way. I forced the issue.
Long ago, I was once told that feelings always follow actions- not the other way around. So, I tried it. GUUURRRLLL- it works!! It really truly does. Not the first night out or whatever, but in a short amount of time, compared to what I thought it would take.
I also started expirimenting with taking sexy selfies. It felt awkward at first, but you know what, some of them came out ... kinda sexy! HAHA - it might be a really fun project to take on with your husband in the privacy of your own home. (?) Just a thought... The point is, when the confidence comes- the sexiness feeling comes back! So do whatever you can think of to be as BRAVE as you can, because when you really own yourself- men want to own you, too ;o) I mean that in the best way- not really "OWN"... but "want".. you know what I mean (I hope)...
Best and warmest wishes to you, girl. I know that I may seem confident now, but just a few years ago I felt JUST like you do... it CAN be different! It can <3
Leah
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Permalink Reply by Dominique Cleopatra on
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Have you considered wearing a bonded-on hair system 24/7 like I do. Hair Direct is a great place to order from. It certainly gave me my "mojo" back. It's not the answer for everyone, but it always surprised me how few alopecians on here embrace this wonderful option
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I have Alopecia Universalis - no hair any where. I have struggled with the same feelings as you are and it boils down to you. You need to be ok with yourself. Bald is beautiful. It is only hair. Why is it ok for a man to be bald and not a woman? I have had many woman come up to me and say I am beautiful and they are inspired that I have the guts to go outside without a wig. Your sexiness shouldn't be based upon what someone else thinks is sexy. I wouldn't want to be with someone that was so hung up on looks; that's very shallow. I know men are visual creatures, but give your husband a chance, he'll probably find your baldness sexy once you embrace it. Take some time and get use to being bald; it really isn't all that bad. I wouldn't want hair again to be honest with you. Now, when I see pictures of myself from the past with hair, eyelashes and eyebrows, it looks weird to me. It takes some time to accept, but look at it this way, this isn't a life threatening disease, we are not fighting for our lives; it's only hair. You are beautiful just the way you are.
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Hey Martina,
i know exactly how you feel, the very first time i got intimate with my boy friend wearing my wig was very uncomfortable for me, as my wig started to come off i got very upset and said to him"i can't do this", he was so great about it and said "do whatever makes you comfortable it's ok" so i left it off and it didn't bother him a bit, i guess because he was so accepting of it it didn't bother me either, so now if it comes off oh well i'm still the same person i was with my own hair. now he even kisses my bald head. LOL. So just do what makes you feel ok with yourself, and i'm sure your husband is going to love you just the same, hey he may even find it sexy. Good Luck in what ever you decide..
MB
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