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How to accept being ugly
This is going to sound majorly harsh, but hear me out.
I feel like the "bald is beautiful" is a lie we tell ourselves and others just to feel better. I don't think bald is beautiful. I think some can be beautiful IN SPITE of being bald, but it will always detract from their appearance. I don't want to pamper myself and say that if I take a bubble bath and get new clothes and work on the rest of my appearance and "do things to make myself feel pretty" I'll feel attractive, because guess what, I'm not, and I won't try to fool myself into thinking I am. I'm sorry, I realize how insulting to everyone this sounds, but looks DO weigh more than personality in the world. Unfair and sucky, but it's true and we all know it. Jobs, dating, personal worth largely hinges on social perception of ourselves. I can't look a certain way and I can't fool myself into feeling a certain way and so normally I focus on other things, but I'm still never really ok. I go through life knowing that disgust is power, and so no one will mess with me because in a way, walking around with a half smooth half shaved head makes me look tough. But still, I know I am still not ok with my ugliness.
There must be a way to peace without lying to myself. Question is, how can I come to terms and accept that I am ugly? Any thoughts?
-PG
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Marie on
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dreamscometrue, I agree with you. There is definitely a mourning period. But mourn with the knowledge that someday you have to get over it or be sad forever.
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Permalink Reply by Cinder B. Rand on
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Hi Pippinsgirl
Yes the word can be sucky and that is for sure. All of us who have had this happen to us know this from just the shear experience of it all. I have had alopecia now for I think 8 years. I am not even sure anymore. I have it everywhere. Sometimes I feel amazingly beautiful and yes sometimes it makes me sad that I have this. The pieces that I wear from my very good ones and my not so good ones can be hot. Good news is I never have to wear a hat in the winter here in Chicago. I am trying to work up the courage to go elnatural in the summer when I am bike riding but so far I just cannot do it. It makes me sad that you feel so unattractive. It does change a lot of who we are but for myself I think it has made me better on so many levels. I mean, there were times when I felt not so attractive with my real hair. I never even knew this thing existed until I lost all of my hair in a very short time. It has also caused a few problems for me and I am sure for others by not having hair. I think we forget how our hair protects our eyes and inside our nose and other areas. I am not sure how to answer your question. Maybe embrace what you feel is ugly (ugh I hate that word) but maybe embrace it and find the true beauty in you. For me bald is beautiful, it has to be for me because that is who I am now. I love myself and I have embraced this. I love the woman and men I have met with this. Strength is a beautiful thing. I know I have helped many people that have either gone bald from cancer and or call me when they have gotten full blown alopecia or a form of it. There are so many of us and this is not a punishment. It is just what it is whether we like it or not. I am very sure that my hair is never coming back. I have accepted this and have moved forward with who I am now not who I was 8 years ago. You are right this alopecia can change how we feel about jobs, dating and other things if we let it. I do want to say that you are completely entitled to how you feel and I am not debating your heart or who you are and how this makes you feel. It is unfair and I am not sure why this happens to us but it does. I just hope that you can think one day that you are a beautiful woman and person and have a lot to offer all of us. Please continue to express how you feel. I think that myself and many others are here to help and to listen. Be strong and keep your sense of humor. We understand. Peace!
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Permalink Reply by FADI DIAB on
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I feel you. But let me tell my theory. People tend to look at someone as a whole before they give that Vanity grade in their heads. Work on having a crazy fit body and see how will you will get different reactions. I have been fat and fit while bald, and I know what I am saying. If you have a badass body u won't feel ugly. I promise you. i put a cap and glasses everywhere I go (totalis, no eyebrows no lashes), and when i am looking good bodywise, I dont feel ugly. Work your ass off in the gym and eventually you will see what i mean. (it'sa vicious cycle. I got fat to 230lbs because i was depressed that i thought i was ugly and was binge eating like a T rex) Hope this helps you.
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Permalink Reply by SarahV on
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The answer to your question...hmmmm...my son has alopecia totalis and I mourn the loss of his hair in little jolts of pain but I never thought it made him look bad. He looks different, yes, and he doesn't have the option to have a certain haircut, but he doesn't look ugly. I look at his handsome face and smart eyes and all I want is to love him up and kiss his cheeks. His soul pours behind his eyes...he's strong and steady. Quiet and thoughtful. He's also the most out-going of all my kids...and he has the most friends by a landslide mile. I do want him to accept that he's different...because acceptance will help him not spend years trying to lie to himself about his condition...but "ugly", nah....definitely not. My boy is going to be smoldering hot when he gets older and most of that will be born from his struggles.
I do have a problem with wallowing in the sadness of it all....but maybe that's because my nephew who is only 3 months older than my son with Alopecia is sitting in a hospital bed right now slowly slipping away from terminal brain cancer. Yes, the same month my boy lost his hair, my nephew was diagnosed with an aggressive and deadly brain cancer. The day I shaved the little bit of hair of my sons head, my sister showed up with starbucks for me and whisked me off in her car so I could cry without my son seeing me. I knew she was going through something way worse than me, but she was there to save me from feeling sad. I appreciated getting to have MY moment, but as soon as it came, it passed. I always knew I'd face struggles...I knew my kids would. It IS a struggle and the "bald is beautiful" stuff IS a mantra designed to pretend it's ok....but ugly, no. Having no hair does NOT make you ugly. It makes you different. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to be pissed. Your problem is valid. Let it pour out. But my theory is that once you do this, you will be able to round the bend. You will get tired of giving your struggle a constant podium in your mind. Get on with things. I actually believe that the burden you are carrying is creating a negative energy which will bring you down and when you don't feel good inside, it shows on the outside. If you can power away that negative energy I think you will start to realize that you are beautiful and you won't need to convince yourself of anything less. People will see that you are comfortable with yourself and they will really be able to focus on your beauty too.
On a closing note, just because my nephew has cancer doesn't mean there's no room for us to feel bad about my son...but it sure puts a spin on priorities.
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Permalink Reply by Hatty on
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I think it's good that you can say this and put how you feel out there- it's all part of the grieving process. I shaved my head last week and it's been horrible, I only developed Alopecia 4 months ago. I am a very optimistic person and I refuse to let this break me, I have perspective and I know it's not the end of the world- I really do believe that it's just hair and those that really matter won't see me any differently. However I can't lie and say I'm ok, since I shaved my remaining hair I have never felt such a sadness and I hate the way I look now but I guess that is the grief I feel over loosing my hair. I never complained about my hair and I felt extremely lucky to have such think, long and naturally straight strawberry blonde hair. Being ginger was part of my identity that I was proud of and I can't help but feel Iv lost that. But I do agree that negatively gets us nowhere and I want to accept my Alopecia and be confident in my own skin- being different is never a bad thing and I know I admire others on here that stand out with confidence- and that is what is beautiful. We as a society need to start looking at the person more and appearances army everything. Maybe this is why we have this condition to teach the world something, we shouldn't hide away and be ashamed. I have just purchased a beautiful wig and I can tell people about my Alopecia because I want to raise awareness and I can feel beautiful in my new hair at the same time. I did feel like a fraud at first but then how's it any different to hair extentions, fake eyelashes or make up- and everyone feels more beautiful when they have made themselves up and thers nothing wrong with that. I don't wear make up at home and I looked "ugly" in my eyes with greasy hair and no make up, but that's not who I am and getting ready and doing my hair made me feel beautiful and so will the right alternative hair, if that's how you want to look
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Permalink Reply by Brittany Peterson on
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Every once in a while I come across a post in my email and I feel compelled to respond. I don't even use Alopecia world that often but when I see posts as negative as yours I feel I must speak out. I have had Alopecia since I was 14. First I lost just my eyebrows then I lost all my hair at 16 and then my eyelashes not long after. After 5 years of having no hair at all including almost none on my legs, face, or head I started to grow it back at age 21, not due to any type of treatment. Not I have around 75 percent of my hair back but I've just been waiting on it to all grow back or fall out, honestly I just don't care. I've also been in a relationship for a year now with a guy who calls me his favorite little baldy, he laughs and crys with me and makes me feel comfortable. But it felt like it took forever to find him. When I first lost all my hair I looked like an alien and felt like a monster. I thought I was a freak. I was mortified. However it's up to you to find beauty in yourself and find a light in yourself that you feel beautiful in. For you to say that we wrongly believe we are beautiful is a strange perception to have. 98% of women around the world aren't supermodel beautiful even with hair. I have never had a problem being accepted at my job, half the people think I'm hilarious because I have the ability to joke about my short comings. The other day I was complaining to my boss because my suction wig slides around when it's humid because I have too much hair. She laughed. The other employee looked at me and I said what as I was shifting my wig and she giggled and said "I never knew you wore a wig." If you find peace within yourself people around you will be comfortable with you too. If you act like its a huge secret people around you pick up on that, no one wants to be around someone who is constantly protecting themselves. I understand what it's like wanting to hide because I know in high school I didn't want anyone to know. I am at a place of peace, beauty is something that isn't universal. Maybe being bald just isn't beautiful in your "perception of beauty" maybe it's time for you to widen your horizons on what "is" beautiful. I'm not saying lie to yourself but what I'm saying is, if you weren't bald it would be something else, like you aren't tall enough or skinny enough, your teeth aren't white enough, maybe you aren't athletic enough. Let yourself be enough, the moment you do that you will feel some joy. I don't feel pretty every day but I give myself a little wiggle room and try not to make "being the prettiest girl in the world" my main focus every day. I'd like to make a bigger impact. I mean come on girl haven't you heard the song by TLC "you can buy your hair if it won't grow
You can fix your nose if he says so, You can buy all the make up
That M.A.C. can make, But if you can't look inside you
Find out who am I too, Be in the position to make me feel
So damn unpretty" gotta love that song
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Permalink Reply by dreamscometrue on
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PREACH IT GIRL!!
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Permalink Reply by Joshua Washington-boyd on
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I've excepted being balls so much that i don't need to be in this site anymore. I'm a guy, and the only thing charge for me as a bold guy was, women like me that didn't like me before and women don't like me that use to like me. It evens out. I'm very comfortable and i think i look great. I'm not shallow, so yes, I'd definitely date a bald woman.
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Permalink Reply by Susan on
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Let's not use the word ugly,to describe how a person looks with hair or without hair.
When I think of ugly,it relates to one's behavior.
But if one feels ugly without hair,then they were also ugly with hair.
However,no human being is ugly.
Just sometimes ugly on the inside...
Did I choose to be bald ? No.
But I am a proud bald woman who feels beautiful and is a fierce advocate for Alopecians.
I love and admire women who rock a bald head proudly as well as women like myself who choose to wear a wig.
Damn,I'm pretty.
Susan
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Permalink Reply by bethany on
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You know I agree with you WITH WHAT YOU SAY I feel the same about me when I do t wear a wig and sometimes when I do. But I have gotten to the point in my life I don't care anymore what people think I know I am a good person and if people don't want to be around me then screw them cause this is who I am and I think accepting that will help find the kind of peace that you seem to be looking for. You have to learn to be happy with who you are and then it won't matter what others think of you. I am still learning to accept this, it is hard some days others not so much but I am finding the strength inside, I think it will get easier for all of us if we struggle with this that it can help get better
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Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on
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Pippinsgirl, I think I know what you are talking about. You DO have the right to feel the way you feel. I don't think that I am actually "ugly" without my vacuum, but I do feel like I look better with it on. I think that part of it is accepting the fact that you DO have alopecia and you have no control over it. Is there a reason why you don't wear a wig? It's a very personal choice, I know, but if you are feeling this way, would it help if you got a nice one and wore it when you WANT to feel "pretty"? Ok, I know people are going to jump on me for saying this, but there are options. One of them is to wear hair when you want to and not when you don't. It took me a long time to like what I saw in the mirror when I'm not wearing my "hair". I'm totally fine with it now and I'm not embarrassed to be seen or anything like that but I certainly feel more "pretty" if that can be said about someone of my advancing years (LOL), when I have my "hair" on. It's like putting on make-up or a nice outfit or jewelry. It adds to your persona and it gives you confidence I guess. I'm the same person, with or without but I love having the choice.
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