Alopecia World
www.alopeciaworld.com
"I can't guarantee I'll fancy you/find you as attractive when you de-wig"
What do you do when the guy you thought may be your soul mate turns round and says he is not sure (a) he can guarantee he will fancy you without your wig or fancy you as much without your wig (b)he is not sure he could get use to it longterm 3) he doesnt think anyone can guarantee all of this stuff before seeing a girl without their wig
I've known this guy for 8 years. we were romantically linked when we were 17 but did not have sex, and since then we have been very very good friends (but there has always been a lovespark for like 7 years) he has never seen me without my wig. very recently he has been chasing me and admitting his feelings for me and that he wants to be more than friends. i told him im not sure, but lets go slow. i also told him the next guy i get with i want to be able to take my wig off infront of, as i feel i am not having 'true' relationships if i am unable to be myself. as this proves destructive to my identity and makes me question how healthy my past relationships were. i've never taken a wig off infront of a guy, and i told this guy he would be the only person in the world i could probably achieve this with.
the other night he came over to talk. he told me he has been thinking about what i said and is worried that when i do take my wig off he doesnt know how he will react because he has only ever seen me with a wig/with hair. he said he doesnt want his reaction to upset me. Which is all fair enough. But he then broke down in tears a little later in the conversation and said he is not sure he will find me attractive with no wig and he feels horrible for saying it, and does this little bit of doubt make him a horrible person. i felt numb, as this guy has known me for 8 years and although he has never seen me without my wig, he knows i have no hair, i talk bout it openly. he also chased me to be more than friends again, and i did say my intentions at the start, was to start taking my wig off and if he had a problem with it then let me know asap, so i am very hurt. The conversation lasted ages, and he wasnt reassuring me when i asked him if hair was that important to him for a girl....if he could get use to the fact he would be dating a girl who takes her wig off every night. No answer. At the end of the conversation, he said he just meant sex, and he doesnt know how he will feel having sex with me with no wig at this point. which i would never do anyway unless i was comfortable, and this isnt something i could do straight away or if ever....but i cant help but feel he was backtracking, as he said this at the end of the conversation, not at the beginning. at the end he also said seeing me without a wig will be different but he is now sure he can get use to it.
the conversation was very emotional as i never expected this guy to say this to me, as we have always shared love for eachother secretly and he is one the nicest guys i have ever met, and i know he adores me. i need some advice because i dont know whether what he has said is normal and right? Have i put too much expectation on him to be okay and accepting of me taking my wig off after 8 years of knowing me? Yes he has only seen me with my wig on, but seriously, he knows i have alopecia and dating me may mean someday he sees me without my wig. If he only wanted 'the image of me with hair' then this makes me question his intentions of it being anything longterm. maybe he was not expecting me to confront him with my alopecia and say i want to start taking my wig off infront of guys. is it fair to be angry,because he should have considered whether he would be comfortable with this beforehand? I feel for me, what hurt the most and what i am now considering in terms of judging whether we should start a r.ship, is not what he said (although i felt like i'd been stabbed) but how he said it and the lack of reassurance. he had no answers. i am now getting emails from him saying he didnt mean some of what he said, he just didnt know how to word it, and he'd never breakup with me because of my alopecia, he doesnt want to fuck this up and he didnt mean that he doesnt want to be with me, but wanted to raise his doubts because he was feeling guilty for not being honest. he also said he didnt mean he wont fancy me without my wig,but is worried he may find me a little bit less attractive and doesnt want to upset me if that ever comes across to me, etc etc. I can't help but think he is backtracking in his email because of guilt. i think he does really want me to be his girlfriend, and is now just saying stuff to make me feel better because he knows i need that trust to consider entering a r.ship. i kept saying during the talk face to face, "tell me what you want to say,not what you think i may want to hear." he tends to do this.
but his doubt makes me nervous. he is now asking me to take that jump and that risk, i need someone to be stronger than me when i take my wig off for the first time, and i am hurt that someone that knows me better than anyone else in the world has admitted he is worried he may have a problem with it, he cant guarantee it. seriously cuts me like a knife, because i always thought he would be okay with it. he would be wholly accepting. is he being shallow? am i expecting too much from him bcos he has only ever seen me with my wig? he's not a guy i've just met, he is someone i have a strong connection with for the last 8 years.
Is it unrealistic to find someone who is sure they wont care seeing you bald and who will find you attrative regardless and can say all of this BEFORE seeing you without your wig? I feel this is life changing for me, as i have always relied on this guy, and always thought "at least this person cares for me as i am", and i care for him very much, and to find he may be a little shallow hurts and the fact he isn't sure hurts. but i dont know whether his honesty if healthy and normal. he has never seen me bald, so why should i expect him to know he will find me attrative right? it's what he said about accepting it longterm that hurt the most. i have developed major trust issues. please note this guy is lovely and amazing, he is not a horrible person. He is pretty cut up about having to admit this to me. he told me it was just a little doubt he wanted to tell me. but i cant help but read into it that it was more than a little doubt.
Thanks for reading, please help.
Sally x
I've known this guy for 8 years. we were romantically linked when we were 17 but did not have sex, and since then we have been very very good friends (but there has always been a lovespark for like 7 years) he has never seen me without my wig. very recently he has been chasing me and admitting his feelings for me and that he wants to be more than friends. i told him im not sure, but lets go slow. i also told him the next guy i get with i want to be able to take my wig off infront of, as i feel i am not having 'true' relationships if i am unable to be myself. as this proves destructive to my identity and makes me question how healthy my past relationships were. i've never taken a wig off infront of a guy, and i told this guy he would be the only person in the world i could probably achieve this with.
the other night he came over to talk. he told me he has been thinking about what i said and is worried that when i do take my wig off he doesnt know how he will react because he has only ever seen me with a wig/with hair. he said he doesnt want his reaction to upset me. Which is all fair enough. But he then broke down in tears a little later in the conversation and said he is not sure he will find me attractive with no wig and he feels horrible for saying it, and does this little bit of doubt make him a horrible person. i felt numb, as this guy has known me for 8 years and although he has never seen me without my wig, he knows i have no hair, i talk bout it openly. he also chased me to be more than friends again, and i did say my intentions at the start, was to start taking my wig off and if he had a problem with it then let me know asap, so i am very hurt. The conversation lasted ages, and he wasnt reassuring me when i asked him if hair was that important to him for a girl....if he could get use to the fact he would be dating a girl who takes her wig off every night. No answer. At the end of the conversation, he said he just meant sex, and he doesnt know how he will feel having sex with me with no wig at this point. which i would never do anyway unless i was comfortable, and this isnt something i could do straight away or if ever....but i cant help but feel he was backtracking, as he said this at the end of the conversation, not at the beginning. at the end he also said seeing me without a wig will be different but he is now sure he can get use to it.
the conversation was very emotional as i never expected this guy to say this to me, as we have always shared love for eachother secretly and he is one the nicest guys i have ever met, and i know he adores me. i need some advice because i dont know whether what he has said is normal and right? Have i put too much expectation on him to be okay and accepting of me taking my wig off after 8 years of knowing me? Yes he has only seen me with my wig on, but seriously, he knows i have alopecia and dating me may mean someday he sees me without my wig. If he only wanted 'the image of me with hair' then this makes me question his intentions of it being anything longterm. maybe he was not expecting me to confront him with my alopecia and say i want to start taking my wig off infront of guys. is it fair to be angry,because he should have considered whether he would be comfortable with this beforehand? I feel for me, what hurt the most and what i am now considering in terms of judging whether we should start a r.ship, is not what he said (although i felt like i'd been stabbed) but how he said it and the lack of reassurance. he had no answers. i am now getting emails from him saying he didnt mean some of what he said, he just didnt know how to word it, and he'd never breakup with me because of my alopecia, he doesnt want to fuck this up and he didnt mean that he doesnt want to be with me, but wanted to raise his doubts because he was feeling guilty for not being honest. he also said he didnt mean he wont fancy me without my wig,but is worried he may find me a little bit less attractive and doesnt want to upset me if that ever comes across to me, etc etc. I can't help but think he is backtracking in his email because of guilt. i think he does really want me to be his girlfriend, and is now just saying stuff to make me feel better because he knows i need that trust to consider entering a r.ship. i kept saying during the talk face to face, "tell me what you want to say,not what you think i may want to hear." he tends to do this.
but his doubt makes me nervous. he is now asking me to take that jump and that risk, i need someone to be stronger than me when i take my wig off for the first time, and i am hurt that someone that knows me better than anyone else in the world has admitted he is worried he may have a problem with it, he cant guarantee it. seriously cuts me like a knife, because i always thought he would be okay with it. he would be wholly accepting. is he being shallow? am i expecting too much from him bcos he has only ever seen me with my wig? he's not a guy i've just met, he is someone i have a strong connection with for the last 8 years.
Is it unrealistic to find someone who is sure they wont care seeing you bald and who will find you attrative regardless and can say all of this BEFORE seeing you without your wig? I feel this is life changing for me, as i have always relied on this guy, and always thought "at least this person cares for me as i am", and i care for him very much, and to find he may be a little shallow hurts and the fact he isn't sure hurts. but i dont know whether his honesty if healthy and normal. he has never seen me bald, so why should i expect him to know he will find me attrative right? it's what he said about accepting it longterm that hurt the most. i have developed major trust issues. please note this guy is lovely and amazing, he is not a horrible person. He is pretty cut up about having to admit this to me. he told me it was just a little doubt he wanted to tell me. but i cant help but read into it that it was more than a little doubt.
Thanks for reading, please help.
Sally x
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Karen Smith on
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I am so sorry. I know that everyone reacts differently. He is obviously a very honest person but telling you upfront that he doesn't know how he feels is insensitive. When my daughter lost her hair she was sure her boyfriend would run. He had a female cousin go through cancer so he experienced the hairloss thing with someone that he cared about so he was better prepared at age 18 to deal with this than most guys. They have broken up and are back together and I don't know if she will ever feel comfortable showing him even though I believe he would stick around. So far only her brother in med school and I see her without hair. She wears lace wigs and tapes them on and changes them every 2-3 days so it isn't an issue.
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Permalink Reply by Mary on
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After being with me for 22 years with a full head of hair, my husband accepted me immediately as a bald woman. It took ME awhile to actually believe that he still finds me attractive looking this way. He does. Look at rj and Cheryl.
Has your friend seen any of the photos of women on AW looking beautiful bald?
Good luck. All you can do is try and see if he can get used to a bald you.
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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The guy who I once had a closeness with, who said hair loss didn't change love, met me with a wig. Eventually, even when my hair grew in, he married someone else. Twice. Now he is much older and grayer, and is asking forgiveness. He is alluding to some malady befalling his relationship. Ah, too bad. Not my problem. He has to deal with his wife. I have lived a whole lifetime since then, have gone to 10 colleges and earned an M.A. and 4 teaching credentials, and am on the 5th. I have traveled, danced, painted, hiked, floated on an ocean, and rivaled Rose in Titanic for adventures and experiences.
The man I married on the rebound from that guy met me with hair, but left when I got got hair loss mid-thirties. He lost his business in the company of the next woman, and isn't doing well. Money troubles and diabetes. I am working full-time.
Another guy shared my first profession, and we shared friends and a locale, tastes and music. He accepted the alopecia totalis I have ended up with, but things never approached a serious side. Oh well. I had issues with my kids, and he couldn't accept that baggage when I was in the midst of it. He also dated many others. Lately, he had a six-way coronary bypass, and now has to watch what he eats...and he doesn't travel more than a mile from home, most days of his life.
If a guy just can't handle it, you, stress, let him go. Fate will pay him a visit later if he is shallow. Wait for Mr. Sure. Trust me. Some folk just CAN'T picture themselves with a bald woman. Their loss. They'll know it when they turn 50-something, and by then you will be a wiser woman.
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Permalink Reply by Joshua on
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Hi Sally,
Perhaps the question may need to be narrowed down:
There are many combinations and things that make a woman attractive---e.g.
1. Personality (Jovial, good sense of humour, always look at the bright side)
2. Character ( strong, independent...etc)
3. or simply the way she laughs...(lol)
or something more physical ---e.g.
1. Smile
2. Eyes
3. Figure...etc
4. or hair.
So I guess, you have to figure out that is he attracted to your "hair" only or something more than that? So, if you're 100% sure that he only attracted to your "hair", than I said he's not worth the time.
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I actually think he sounds like a good guy, at least he is being honest which is a very good start! I think that by the sounds of it once you got into a relationship with him and spent alot of time with him etc getting to know each other and hopefully falling in love, the "hair" issue would be much less of an issue. I mean once he is attached to you and in love with you he will love you exactly as you are. Think about even if you had hair, when we first start a relationship with someone we only want them to see us at our very best, don't want them to see your bed hair in the morning (we wish ha) or without make-up on, or to see our wobbly bits or our nor so perfect bits, do you get the picture? Well women are much more concerned about these things than men, they tend to love us warts and all, and if they don't well then they are not worth it. With this guy I think he is more frightened of the thought of seeing you without hair than what he needs to be, I mean its like everything once he does it the first time he will probably wonder what all the fuss was about! And if he doesn't then you will know he is shallow and not strong enough to love you. It will hurt you and thats not fair, its not fair that us aloepcians have to go through these insecurities and put their neck on the line more than some other people have to, but think if you don't go through with it you will never know
A life without risk is a life not lived. Hope you take a risk with this guy because he sounds like a good one. Good luck
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Permalink Reply by Felicia on
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I think it is very normal. All that he is expressing are human traits and meant to be felt. Attraction is a big part in a relationship believe it or not. I don't blame the guy at all for his possible reactions to your baldness. He really doesn't know what to expect and he is laying it all out there for you. He sounds scared that he will hurt you and it doesn't sound insensitive at all to me. Id rather someone tell me the truth like that than lie and deceive me right after I jumped in the rabbit hole.
Being bald in front of someone is hard but to me that is the issue ..I think if you are strong and see yourself as beautiful that others will too. It's like that with everything. Be strong. YOU are beautiful.
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P. S. Every person shares big news like this with a mom, sister, cousin or best friend. Could it be that another person, even a father, has gotten to him to plant doubts about children inheriting this, wedding photos, possible teasing over the years, wig and treatment costs, public commentary and judgment of him? Face it: we have had those doubts about ourselves, personally and in relationships...but then, we get used to it by having been through it over years and years, talking it to death, and getting support on this site. Our men haven't had that history, nor that processing of feelings or medical facts. They want Calendar Girl walking into a room with them, for the most part.
Seek the man who is a gem among pebbles...look for a man with soul, spirit, warmth, love, laughs, tenderness, strength, and attentiveness. A man who would defend you if bald in public. "Not horrible" is not enough.
You must show him the real you: that's who he has to love in the middle of the night. In a hospital bed. At the ocean. On a hot, steamy day. Over the breakfast table. Or campfire (where wigs can't go).
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Permalink Reply by Lee on
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honestly, I'de forget about him. You are who you are. You have enough burden trying to get through everyday life with Alopecia, you dont need the added stress. Thats nice that hes being honest, but that's not enough. He has to accept you for who u are, and if he doesnt move on now instead of wasting your time.
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Permalink Reply by Sally on
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it's more the case that he has admitted he wasn't sure...and now is saying he is 100% okay with it because he has feared loosing me because of what he said. i've been taken on a rollercoaster of emotions which has knocked my confidence and trust in taking this risk, the risk not just about my wig but about making this friendship into a relationship. Do i sort my alopecia issues out before i enter a relationship? or will being in a loving relationship help me confront them? I may push my issues of taking my wig off to the background if i fly single again. I am disappointed and hurt he wasn't sure, because he is a guy i've known for 8 years...he's not a guy i've just met. makes me think nothing is sure in life, and made me realise being a adult with alopecia is deeper than i realised...i push my alopecia out of my mind on a daily basis. what he said has shocked me, even though he is backtracking now. he is a bit of a mess at the mo, he regrets saying anything to me and is reassuring me he wont care, and loves me. thanks for everyones advice. i guess the next decision is fully upto me. such stress!
xxx
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Permalink Reply by Dominique on
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Sally,
I've been reading this discussion with intent interest and am curious how you went or if you have decided yet?
The guy sounds really good and it sounds like you love him and if you're going to take a chance on anyone it should be him. To me it sounds like his trying to be honest about pre-relationship jitters. Where most men would be worrying about their performance the first time you're intimate, or whether you'll hate the suit they're wearing, he seems concerned about his own strength to be there for you at a time when you will need him so badly.
His doubts seem to be about him, and whilst they have made you feel like sh*t about how he will see you without your hair, and doubt yourself - he has been honest.
In the end it is up to you - and I think everyone has given you some great advice. Remember we are here - to either help celebrate the good news, or comiserate him being insane and not just loving you for who you are :)
good luck with your decision :)
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