What do you do when the guy you thought may be your soul mate turns round and says he is not sure (a) he can guarantee he will fancy you without your wig or fancy you as much without your wig (b)he is not sure he could get use to it longterm 3) he doesnt think anyone can guarantee all of this stuff before seeing a girl without their wig
I've known this guy for 8 years. we were romantically linked when we were 17 but did not have sex, and since then we have been very very good friends (but there has always been a lovespark for like 7 years) he has never seen me without my wig. very recently he has been chasing me and admitting his feelings for me and that he wants to be more than friends. i told him im not sure, but lets go slow. i also told him the next guy i get with i want to be able to take my wig off infront of, as i feel i am not having 'true' relationships if i am unable to be myself. as this proves destructive to my identity and makes me question how healthy my past relationships were. i've never taken a wig off infront of a guy, and i told this guy he would be the only person in the world i could probably achieve this with.
the other night he came over to talk. he told me he has been thinking about what i said and is worried that when i do take my wig off he doesnt know how he will react because he has only ever seen me with a wig/with hair. he said he doesnt want his reaction to upset me. Which is all fair enough. But he then broke down in tears a little later in the conversation and said he is not sure he will find me attractive with no wig and he feels horrible for saying it, and does this little bit of doubt make him a horrible person. i felt numb, as this guy has known me for 8 years and although he has never seen me without my wig, he knows i have no hair, i talk bout it openly. he also chased me to be more than friends again, and i did say my intentions at the start, was to start taking my wig off and if he had a problem with it then let me know asap, so i am very hurt. The conversation lasted ages, and he wasnt reassuring me when i asked him if hair was that important to him for a girl....if he could get use to the fact he would be dating a girl who takes her wig off every night. No answer. At the end of the conversation, he said he just meant sex, and he doesnt know how he will feel having sex with me with no wig at this point. which i would never do anyway unless i was comfortable, and this isnt something i could do straight away or if ever....but i cant help but feel he was backtracking, as he said this at the end of the conversation, not at the beginning. at the end he also said seeing me without a wig will be different but he is now sure he can get use to it.
the conversation was very emotional as i never expected this guy to say this to me, as we have always shared love for eachother secretly and he is one the nicest guys i have ever met, and i know he adores me. i need some advice because i dont know whether what he has said is normal and right? Have i put too much expectation on him to be okay and accepting of me taking my wig off after 8 years of knowing me? Yes he has only seen me with my wig on, but seriously, he knows i have alopecia and dating me may mean someday he sees me without my wig. If he only wanted 'the image of me with hair' then this makes me question his intentions of it being anything longterm. maybe he was not expecting me to confront him with my alopecia and say i want to start taking my wig off infront of guys. is it fair to be angry,because he should have considered whether he would be comfortable with this beforehand? I feel for me, what hurt the most and what i am now considering in terms of judging whether we should start a r.ship, is not what he said (although i felt like i'd been stabbed) but how he said it and the lack of reassurance. he had no answers. i am now getting emails from him saying he didnt mean some of what he said, he just didnt know how to word it, and he'd never breakup with me because of my alopecia, he doesnt want to fuck this up and he didnt mean that he doesnt want to be with me, but wanted to raise his doubts because he was feeling guilty for not being honest. he also said he didnt mean he wont fancy me without my wig,but is worried he may find me a little bit less attractive and doesnt want to upset me if that ever comes across to me, etc etc. I can't help but think he is backtracking in his email because of guilt. i think he does really want me to be his girlfriend, and is now just saying stuff to make me feel better because he knows i need that trust to consider entering a r.ship. i kept saying during the talk face to face, "tell me what you want to say,not what you think i may want to hear." he tends to do this.
but his doubt makes me nervous. he is now asking me to take that jump and that risk, i need someone to be stronger than me when i take my wig off for the first time, and i am hurt that someone that knows me better than anyone else in the world has admitted he is worried he may have a problem with it, he cant guarantee it. seriously cuts me like a knife, because i always thought he would be okay with it. he would be wholly accepting. is he being shallow? am i expecting too much from him bcos he has only ever seen me with my wig? he's not a guy i've just met, he is someone i have a strong connection with for the last 8 years.
Is it unrealistic to find someone who is sure they wont care seeing you bald and who will find you attrative regardless and can say all of this BEFORE seeing you without your wig? I feel this is life changing for me, as i have always relied on this guy, and always thought "at least this person cares for me as i am", and i care for him very much, and to find he may be a little shallow hurts and the fact he isn't sure hurts. but i dont know whether his honesty if healthy and normal. he has never seen me bald, so why should i expect him to know he will find me attrative right? it's what he said about accepting it longterm that hurt the most. i have developed major trust issues. please note this guy is lovely and amazing, he is not a horrible person. He is pretty cut up about having to admit this to me. he told me it was just a little doubt he wanted to tell me. but i cant help but read into it that it was more than a little doubt.
Thanks for reading, please help.
Sally x