Alopecia World
www.alopeciaworld.com
"I can't guarantee I'll fancy you/find you as attractive when you de-wig"
What do you do when the guy you thought may be your soul mate turns round and says he is not sure (a) he can guarantee he will fancy you without your wig or fancy you as much without your wig (b)he is not sure he could get use to it longterm 3) he doesnt think anyone can guarantee all of this stuff before seeing a girl without their wig
I've known this guy for 8 years. we were romantically linked when we were 17 but did not have sex, and since then we have been very very good friends (but there has always been a lovespark for like 7 years) he has never seen me without my wig. very recently he has been chasing me and admitting his feelings for me and that he wants to be more than friends. i told him im not sure, but lets go slow. i also told him the next guy i get with i want to be able to take my wig off infront of, as i feel i am not having 'true' relationships if i am unable to be myself. as this proves destructive to my identity and makes me question how healthy my past relationships were. i've never taken a wig off infront of a guy, and i told this guy he would be the only person in the world i could probably achieve this with.
the other night he came over to talk. he told me he has been thinking about what i said and is worried that when i do take my wig off he doesnt know how he will react because he has only ever seen me with a wig/with hair. he said he doesnt want his reaction to upset me. Which is all fair enough. But he then broke down in tears a little later in the conversation and said he is not sure he will find me attractive with no wig and he feels horrible for saying it, and does this little bit of doubt make him a horrible person. i felt numb, as this guy has known me for 8 years and although he has never seen me without my wig, he knows i have no hair, i talk bout it openly. he also chased me to be more than friends again, and i did say my intentions at the start, was to start taking my wig off and if he had a problem with it then let me know asap, so i am very hurt. The conversation lasted ages, and he wasnt reassuring me when i asked him if hair was that important to him for a girl....if he could get use to the fact he would be dating a girl who takes her wig off every night. No answer. At the end of the conversation, he said he just meant sex, and he doesnt know how he will feel having sex with me with no wig at this point. which i would never do anyway unless i was comfortable, and this isnt something i could do straight away or if ever....but i cant help but feel he was backtracking, as he said this at the end of the conversation, not at the beginning. at the end he also said seeing me without a wig will be different but he is now sure he can get use to it.
the conversation was very emotional as i never expected this guy to say this to me, as we have always shared love for eachother secretly and he is one the nicest guys i have ever met, and i know he adores me. i need some advice because i dont know whether what he has said is normal and right? Have i put too much expectation on him to be okay and accepting of me taking my wig off after 8 years of knowing me? Yes he has only seen me with my wig on, but seriously, he knows i have alopecia and dating me may mean someday he sees me without my wig. If he only wanted 'the image of me with hair' then this makes me question his intentions of it being anything longterm. maybe he was not expecting me to confront him with my alopecia and say i want to start taking my wig off infront of guys. is it fair to be angry,because he should have considered whether he would be comfortable with this beforehand? I feel for me, what hurt the most and what i am now considering in terms of judging whether we should start a r.ship, is not what he said (although i felt like i'd been stabbed) but how he said it and the lack of reassurance. he had no answers. i am now getting emails from him saying he didnt mean some of what he said, he just didnt know how to word it, and he'd never breakup with me because of my alopecia, he doesnt want to fuck this up and he didnt mean that he doesnt want to be with me, but wanted to raise his doubts because he was feeling guilty for not being honest. he also said he didnt mean he wont fancy me without my wig,but is worried he may find me a little bit less attractive and doesnt want to upset me if that ever comes across to me, etc etc. I can't help but think he is backtracking in his email because of guilt. i think he does really want me to be his girlfriend, and is now just saying stuff to make me feel better because he knows i need that trust to consider entering a r.ship. i kept saying during the talk face to face, "tell me what you want to say,not what you think i may want to hear." he tends to do this.
but his doubt makes me nervous. he is now asking me to take that jump and that risk, i need someone to be stronger than me when i take my wig off for the first time, and i am hurt that someone that knows me better than anyone else in the world has admitted he is worried he may have a problem with it, he cant guarantee it. seriously cuts me like a knife, because i always thought he would be okay with it. he would be wholly accepting. is he being shallow? am i expecting too much from him bcos he has only ever seen me with my wig? he's not a guy i've just met, he is someone i have a strong connection with for the last 8 years.
Is it unrealistic to find someone who is sure they wont care seeing you bald and who will find you attrative regardless and can say all of this BEFORE seeing you without your wig? I feel this is life changing for me, as i have always relied on this guy, and always thought "at least this person cares for me as i am", and i care for him very much, and to find he may be a little shallow hurts and the fact he isn't sure hurts. but i dont know whether his honesty if healthy and normal. he has never seen me bald, so why should i expect him to know he will find me attrative right? it's what he said about accepting it longterm that hurt the most. i have developed major trust issues. please note this guy is lovely and amazing, he is not a horrible person. He is pretty cut up about having to admit this to me. he told me it was just a little doubt he wanted to tell me. but i cant help but read into it that it was more than a little doubt.
Thanks for reading, please help.
Sally x
I've known this guy for 8 years. we were romantically linked when we were 17 but did not have sex, and since then we have been very very good friends (but there has always been a lovespark for like 7 years) he has never seen me without my wig. very recently he has been chasing me and admitting his feelings for me and that he wants to be more than friends. i told him im not sure, but lets go slow. i also told him the next guy i get with i want to be able to take my wig off infront of, as i feel i am not having 'true' relationships if i am unable to be myself. as this proves destructive to my identity and makes me question how healthy my past relationships were. i've never taken a wig off infront of a guy, and i told this guy he would be the only person in the world i could probably achieve this with.
the other night he came over to talk. he told me he has been thinking about what i said and is worried that when i do take my wig off he doesnt know how he will react because he has only ever seen me with a wig/with hair. he said he doesnt want his reaction to upset me. Which is all fair enough. But he then broke down in tears a little later in the conversation and said he is not sure he will find me attractive with no wig and he feels horrible for saying it, and does this little bit of doubt make him a horrible person. i felt numb, as this guy has known me for 8 years and although he has never seen me without my wig, he knows i have no hair, i talk bout it openly. he also chased me to be more than friends again, and i did say my intentions at the start, was to start taking my wig off and if he had a problem with it then let me know asap, so i am very hurt. The conversation lasted ages, and he wasnt reassuring me when i asked him if hair was that important to him for a girl....if he could get use to the fact he would be dating a girl who takes her wig off every night. No answer. At the end of the conversation, he said he just meant sex, and he doesnt know how he will feel having sex with me with no wig at this point. which i would never do anyway unless i was comfortable, and this isnt something i could do straight away or if ever....but i cant help but feel he was backtracking, as he said this at the end of the conversation, not at the beginning. at the end he also said seeing me without a wig will be different but he is now sure he can get use to it.
the conversation was very emotional as i never expected this guy to say this to me, as we have always shared love for eachother secretly and he is one the nicest guys i have ever met, and i know he adores me. i need some advice because i dont know whether what he has said is normal and right? Have i put too much expectation on him to be okay and accepting of me taking my wig off after 8 years of knowing me? Yes he has only seen me with my wig on, but seriously, he knows i have alopecia and dating me may mean someday he sees me without my wig. If he only wanted 'the image of me with hair' then this makes me question his intentions of it being anything longterm. maybe he was not expecting me to confront him with my alopecia and say i want to start taking my wig off infront of guys. is it fair to be angry,because he should have considered whether he would be comfortable with this beforehand? I feel for me, what hurt the most and what i am now considering in terms of judging whether we should start a r.ship, is not what he said (although i felt like i'd been stabbed) but how he said it and the lack of reassurance. he had no answers. i am now getting emails from him saying he didnt mean some of what he said, he just didnt know how to word it, and he'd never breakup with me because of my alopecia, he doesnt want to fuck this up and he didnt mean that he doesnt want to be with me, but wanted to raise his doubts because he was feeling guilty for not being honest. he also said he didnt mean he wont fancy me without my wig,but is worried he may find me a little bit less attractive and doesnt want to upset me if that ever comes across to me, etc etc. I can't help but think he is backtracking in his email because of guilt. i think he does really want me to be his girlfriend, and is now just saying stuff to make me feel better because he knows i need that trust to consider entering a r.ship. i kept saying during the talk face to face, "tell me what you want to say,not what you think i may want to hear." he tends to do this.
but his doubt makes me nervous. he is now asking me to take that jump and that risk, i need someone to be stronger than me when i take my wig off for the first time, and i am hurt that someone that knows me better than anyone else in the world has admitted he is worried he may have a problem with it, he cant guarantee it. seriously cuts me like a knife, because i always thought he would be okay with it. he would be wholly accepting. is he being shallow? am i expecting too much from him bcos he has only ever seen me with my wig? he's not a guy i've just met, he is someone i have a strong connection with for the last 8 years.
Is it unrealistic to find someone who is sure they wont care seeing you bald and who will find you attrative regardless and can say all of this BEFORE seeing you without your wig? I feel this is life changing for me, as i have always relied on this guy, and always thought "at least this person cares for me as i am", and i care for him very much, and to find he may be a little shallow hurts and the fact he isn't sure hurts. but i dont know whether his honesty if healthy and normal. he has never seen me bald, so why should i expect him to know he will find me attrative right? it's what he said about accepting it longterm that hurt the most. i have developed major trust issues. please note this guy is lovely and amazing, he is not a horrible person. He is pretty cut up about having to admit this to me. he told me it was just a little doubt he wanted to tell me. but i cant help but read into it that it was more than a little doubt.
Thanks for reading, please help.
Sally x
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Cathryn F. on
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I guess my problem is the opposite, or maybe I am just scared, IDK. I don't WANT mine to see me without my wig. it's become such a normal part of my life now, even being asked to take it off (yes it's happened), has sent me into a spiral of "omg omg what am I going to do." Do I feel it's necessary? Yes. Does that mean I am addicted? IDK Do I feel the desire to go bald? Not at all. I don't have anything to prove, i am happy. but reading all this kinda makes me feel a little old fashioned and guilty, not content in my decisions any more. Do I feel he'd respect me without it? Definitely. But he loves my hair, and is very supportive. He loves how I look and loves me. The thing is, though, I love how I look, too. And most of the time I have to work to remember it's not the hair I was born with. I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror without it. But what's more, I do this for me, and did before I was in a relationship. I suppose if I told him. "No, this is who I am, and I want you to accept me for me, and my choices." I have no idea how he'd respond. But if he wasn't around any more, it still would never come off. I ignore the heat, or whatever. It's part of me. We've even gone to "the place you should never ever go, (telling you what to wear)" :-o so yes, he's bought me some to wear. It seemed odd at first, but I decided maybe this is just his way of trying to share and understand, so I let him in. It's actually become fun, because I allowed him to share something that's very personal. but from my Point of view now, he will still never see me without one. Now, so many threads I have read here at AW make me wonder... Am I getting it wrong, or missing something? Am I being a stick in the mud for not wanting him to see me any other way? I am proud of you all for being able to go bald if you want to. But I just don't want to :S
So enough about me. To your statement. It's your life, and if the relationship matters, it should be ok. That you feel hurt is significant. We like to say words to our partner like "forever" and "always" and yet, we just don't see 100% of the picture, ever. We can't see the future, or even guess how we'd feel in this or that situation. But something tells me the relationship should be able to withstand stuff, in that "we will encounter this or that, and I pledge to you that though I can't understand everything, and i won't ever feel what you feel, give me a little time and I will get to where you are." And vice versa. Mine has thrown me more than a few curves in our time together, and I have certainly done the same. And in each case, it took me a while to absorb it, and sometimes QUITE a while. But I did. And he has. But it's that desire to stay together and work that matters. You don't deserve this. But maybe it's just one of those things he never considered, and needs time to get to where you are? That's not meant to be condescending, and I am not taking his side. But if he supports you, he should do this, even if it's not over night. Maybe give him a little time if he matters to you? if he's got you on a pedestal, he's going to have to get used to the fact that maybe you don't want to be up there all the time :) Then if he still doesn't get it...reconsider? This doesn't sound at all like I wanted it too :-S
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Permalink Reply by Sally on
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so hi guys and girls...just to say after months of talking...I took my wig off infront of this guy the other night...he was supportive, and caring, and when i sleep over he's been encouraging me to take it off to sleep. He said he doesn't know why he was so worried about it. When i took it off he went "its you!"....so we are officially together now and I am smitten. I have known him for 8 years, so I feel i can trust him so much. Thanks for all your advice. it's been such a rocky road to get to this point....i hope it stays this positive. YAY ME! Next step no wig photos on here of me!!
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Permalink Reply by Garden Girl on
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YEAH!!!! Good luck with love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Kayla DeMarini on
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thats so cute! "its you!" im so happy for you!
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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As someone who went through this very same experience, let me tell you what I think, based on past experience:
I think that your guy friend is being as honest as he can be. He's not Superman; he's human - and he has every right to be unsure about what his reaction will be. Just as it is going to be the first time going about without a wig, you are very likely the first woman he's dated with alopecia, or any form of hair loss.
You will have to be strong for each other - and please trust your gut - if, after you take the leap of faith and go bare in front of him, if he continues to make you uncomfortable, or if he totally changes, then leave.
Good luck to you.
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Permalink Reply by BTB (John) on
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I think he is being honest none of us say for sure how we will react to any given situation at anytime with 100% surety that we will act as we think we will. Better an honest answer now than a lie I admire the honesty from this man because trust me men will say anything to win you over. Pat and I were married 20 years when her alopecia kicked in and I was not sure how I would react I was concerned about my shallowness as regards body image etc. but it has not been an issue but if I had been asked how I expected myself to react I would have given the same answer as your friend. Honesty is a rare commodity don't devalue it John.
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Permalink Reply by Me&myGirl_Aussie on
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I have had alopecia for 26 years - and I have always wore a bandana when I don't have my wig on - my partner now fiancé tells me to take that off too - he loves me with or without hair and that's true love xxx I hope it sorts itself out for you - just remember it your happiness that must come first and you must be comfortable with it
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At least he is honest and cant help how he feels and hopefully how he delivered the message was in a kind way. Understand why your hurt very valid to feel like you do, and understand why you have trust issues nay betrayal will cause trust issues but at least you were not lied to. Non of what I say will make the pain any easier but I can say in my case the bald thing as far as attractiveness in my partner is not an issue. We did have 20 years together before the bald thing happened so we had a lot invested emotionally in each other, dont know I would have been it we were early in our relationship.You got a hard decision to make and lets face at some time its got to happen putting it of wont make it go away, if you cant trust yourself to make the decision you need to make then you cant trust anyone is how I feel. PS I am passionate in my hatred of Alopecia and the effects it brings to our lives.
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Permalink Reply by Kristine on
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What makes him so sure his hair will last forever. Shallow... But kudos on communication. Trust your gut. Don't waste time.
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