Alopecia World
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Miserable
I need someone to talk to who understands what I am going through...and no one seems as miserable as me..they took away chat which sucks, .I am getting uglier and uglier and it is getting harder and harder to cope with, even though my wig was $2000 it looks ugly, my eyebrows are ugly, i feel like my relationship is falling apart because even though my significant other pretends to be supportive he is really a selfish, insensitive little dick piece of shit,...when I am upset at my worst he says begrudgingly you are still beautiful, forced, no affection, never a hug nothing...if he dies I would be happy, serves him right for being a jerk, none of my family or friends even remotely understands what I am going though...I can't sleep at night, I wake up in panics confused if this real,,I'm in here crying and kicked him out to the couch...if he cared he would act differently..,i barely want to look in the mirror, my skin is getting paler I can't tolerate the sun like before, the tanner I am the better I look, but with my autoimmune issues the sun is horrible for it, I have gained weight from being miserable and eating horribly...and I feel disgusting, I have never felt like I am at rock-bottom as I am not...I want to do drugs to numb the pain and make all the unhappiness go away and be in a happier time...I feel alone, and bitter, and confused, and disgusting...I feel like I want to leave my son's father but who will want me; I sure as hell wouldn't want to date me, and I feel like even the people on this website who are going through what I am going through don't understand...I am overly jealous of people. and sadly my hair, brows, and lashes were my best feature and now they are gone. I feel suicidal and don't know what to do, then I think about my son who I wouldn't want to leave motherless, but who the hell wants to live feeling this way daily,,,nothing is enjoyable anymore, someone said to me the other day "you are pretty....all the time" and I know they said it cause people were talking to them about how different I look without make up and my wig now, even with my wig and make up I am not cute,,,my wig itches (it is the best kind you can buy), its uncomfortable, I have to touch up my eyebrows, why couldn't god, mother nature, genetics, whoever just leave me the hell alone, i have enough shortcomings as it is, this is the last thing i need in this world, its a shallow world, a shallow society, and this crap is only making me hate myself even more as a woman...
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on
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Hi
This is a distressing post and one which rings alarm bells for me. Suicidal thoughts are serious and you need to seek professional support. Everyone here will understand what you are going through, but will struggle to help you out of this black hole you are in at the moment. Please seek professional support as people here are not qualified to help with these very serious issues.
Rosy
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Permalink Reply by michelle on
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Hi there,
I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficulty time. I am a clinical social worker who has alopecia universalis. I do agree with Rose Marie. Your current distress goes beyond the scope of this website. I am so glad that you reached out. My strong recommendation based on what you have shared is to go to your family doctor or your local emergency department. Your son is deserving of his mom feeling better! Please go now!
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Permalink Reply by Pamela McGruder on
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Hi
I know how you feel rt now! But stop breath relax be still and think! Stop those crazy thoughts and seek medical help! I'm have major problems too! We can make it!
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You are in my prayers and we do care!
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Permalink Reply by Mary122184 on
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I am going to school for clinical social work as well. I also have AU. I went to a therapist a few years after losing my hair. It made all the difference. I'd reccommend it. Add me and we can message or something.
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Permalink Reply by mardy on
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I know exactly how you feel believe me ask my husband lol he gets the brunt of my anger... I've had AA since the 4th grade small spots here and there then about 4 maybe 5 yrs ago it turned into AU (I'm 45 now) my whole world turned upside down.. I even blamed my husband for giving me the stress I thought helped make it all fall out..and he stuck by my side thru thick and thin so far...he even rubs my head... but you know we could have it a lot worse.. I know I look at myself everyday in the mirror and say who is this person looking back at me it's just a face no eyebrows , eyelashes or hair I look like a blank canvas it's not me...I mean we could have cancer... it's just hair and society is what's making us miserable because they put hair up there on a pedestal... just think if the whole world was born with no hair and growing hair is what made you different we'd all fit in then... I know I always ask why me why did I have to get this my siblings never had any issues... I can't do some things I want .. I have to be careful when it's windy out so my hair doesn't blow off I have to always put my eyebrows on and then put my hair on.. I tell ya on the weekends I just want to lounge around the house with no hair on because I wear it at work all week.... and my head gets sweaty itchy at work I just want to rip it off.... I feel miserable like I'm wearing a stocking cap... there are so many of us that feel like you do but hun we just deal with It because that's the cards we were handed..life could be soo much more worse.. as for your eye brows have you thought about tattooing them on I looked it up on the internet and the look so natural..i'm thinking your better half isn't helping you what so ever and your not getting the support you need from him..sometimes men can just be so dumb at understanding things that they're not going thru... I always tell my husband let me shave your eyebrows and hair and see how you deal with it and that would be a hell no ... we're all here for you your not alone and some of us do feel the same way but we just don't say it or express it...please don't let it get your self esteem down your a beautiful person inside and out hair doesn't make you the person your are You make that person....Stay Strong and know you have a lot of support here we gotta stick together and hopefully fight this .....Much Love & Prayers to you
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Permalink Reply by BlondeB4bald on
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I so know exactly how you are feeling. Like exactly. I'm new too. I know I hate it because I'd lost almost all my hair, finally shaved it last week. I hate being do angry bout it. I have a dermatologist appt on June 8th for the official diagnosis. The lack of sleep, hating my husband. I feel like just because we only look like cancer patients, we should be grateful , I hate waking up with the habit if taking my long blond hair out of my hair tie holder only to feel and remember the destructing replacement that was once my long beautiful hair. I have a 2 and 3 year old girls who won't remember mommy with hair. I'm angry at everyone.
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Hello BlondeB4Bald
Anger is a natural part of grieving. Everybody works through their feelings of loss in their own way. As long as you don't become destructive and hurt yourself or those you love it's ok. Do work on yourself about what positive proactive things you can do to make this better for yourself and those around you.
You have a 2 year old and a 3 year old. They need their mum. I am a mum as well but my daughter has alopecia. If one of your children was dealing with this how would you help them...whatever you come up with do that for yourself.
Rosy
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Thanks Rose Marie! Today has been a better day! I think that's how I need to look at this, one day at a time :)
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Hugs for you...I do understand how hard this is. One day at a time is a good way to tackly those overwhelming feelings.
Rosy
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Permalink Reply by Solange De Santis on
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When I first realized I was progressing to AU, the thought flashed through my mind, "I cannot live at all like this." All I could see was humiliation and self-loathing ahead. I am not suicidal by any means, but this kind of thinking happens often in people who are newly coping with alopecia. I felt like a complete ugly freak.
That was 17 years ago. Now, I have had my eyebrows tattooed, have gone without a wig for many years, wear earrings and light makeup. I've been on TV, on job interviews (and gotten the job) and generally just lived my life.
No, it's not easy. I still hate photos of myself from the side. I'm dating again after a divorce and that's complex when you have this appearance issue. But I got really nice professional photos taken of myself - and they make me feel good!
Let me echo others here in urging you to get professional help. Talk out these feelings with a therapist. You have a life to live and it can be a really good one - even with alopecia.
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Facts: You are female. You have had a chance to give birth and develop a human being. Definately you are female.
If you hate the shallowness of the world, then do not judge yourself on shallow issues. If we look back in history, strong and spiritual women didn't have mirrors, cars, magazines, make-up, a need to tan...and they covered their hair in those ancient (and some modern) times. Live their way. You are not happy with the way you are thinking and judging yourself NOW, so another way will be better. College. Job. Gardening, Art. Rearranging your home. Doing wonderful things for and with your child. My man left, too...but I went on to get more teaching credentials, move, join some groups and start a new life...with a more fun man met along the way who was a positive force in my life.
Your son will find your writings some day, so make them all filled with lessons on how to overcome challenges. He, and you, can grow by building on positives instead of negatives! What can you do TODAY that tastes, smells, feels, sounds good for you and your child? Stay sober and clean to think this through and be a good role model!
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