Alopecia World
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Need advice
so there's this guy that i worked with over the summer and we really hit it off. we still talk everyday almost despite going to school in different states. whenever we're both home, we make an effort into seeing each other. he's always been really nice to me and never done anything mean.
now, last night i came across some facebook messages with him and his friend. i know this is bad, but i couldn't resist. it turns out they call me "baldy" and saying pretty gross and sexual things about me/making fun of my alopecia. they also were trying to think of ways to find out if i really do wear a wig or not. i didn't tell the guy i'm with about my alopecia yet because i didn't figure out a proper way to tell him, so i'm trying to figure out how he knew. typically, i can poke fun at my alopecia because it isn't that big of a deal to me. i just found it gross he would act one way to me, and another to his friend.
i just don't know what i should do/if i should confront him or not. i really liked him and i think he felt the same. i can't tell if he's just using me for sex, or he just acted a certain way in front of his friends to seem "cool."
this is hard for me because i had a boyfriend when i started to lose my hair who really helped me with it. now that we are broken up, i was worried my hair would be a factor in dating and getting a boyfriend.
this guy i'm talking about really is sweet and does nice things for me and we have the best time whenever we're together, so i'm really confused as to what i should do. i don't want to have to end things with this guy because we were really good together.
any advice on what i should do? if i should confront him about his feelings for me? also, how i should tell him about my hair? i won't see him in person again until spring break or even summer so i'd have to do it through text.
i would really appreciate the help :)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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I would unfriend the ones who are being critical and disrespectful, and block their access to your page, photos, links, comments, etc. I think they will get the hint. I dropped a girlfriend I had known for 37 years because she outed me to someone, and basically lost me the chance to tell in my own way on my own time. Your friends will eventually learn how to talk to you with empathy if they want to be in your life, right? By the way...you included Mr. Nice Guy (ahem) in "they," didn't you?
THEY call me "baldy" and saying pretty gross and sexual things about me/making fun of my alopecia. THEY also were trying to think of ways to find out if i really do wear a wig or not.
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Permalink Reply by BTB (John) on
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As a man I find it offensive that anyone would talk about that way. Males who do this are shallow and weak. It is my opinion a hurtful betrayal of trust.
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Permalink Reply by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on
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Listen to John Law - he has in my opinion a sixth sense about these things. Really if I had known him in my 20's I would have paid him to 'interview' any guy I considered going out with!
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Permalink Reply by Sarah on
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Hi there! I think you should voice your feelings to this guy, your feelings are important and are not to be swept under the rug. By doing this he has betrayed your friendship and it's not fair to make you feel bad for something that is out of your control. Plus, for me, whenever I'm intimate with a man, it means that I have deep feelings for him. If I ever knew that he was saying things like that behind my back to his 'friends', my heart would hurt and he would know that he would have to either defend me and be a true man / friend / companion that shows he cares, or he would not have me in his life. Don't worry about what he may think or say, stand up for yourself... you are worth it, and don't let people walk all over you. If he is embarrassed, he needs to grow up, or get some new friends. GOOD LUCK, please voice your feelings. -Sarah K.
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What Sarah said is so true. Be proactive if you hide form this you will hide all your life, well that was what I did.
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I would confront him as well. Irregardless of the alopecia issue "guys" talk like that with their "guys". if it wasn't hair loss it would b some other physical attribute they would b making fun of. Do u want to b with someone that does that? It's a lack of respect in my eyes. Do What u r comfortable with and b true to yourself. You deserve it
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Yeah what Cindy said its so male to talk that way.
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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Jess, it seems to me like he is immature and may not be a strong enough man to deal with a woman with alopecia. Martin Luther King Jr. said "“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” If I read it right, it looks like he failed that test. There is no way a strong man would allow that conversation to happen. As alopecians, we need stronger mates. Men or women, who can handle these situation as well as many others that will come up over time. You will have to be introduced to friends, family, yours and his co-workers, acquaintances, attend Holiday parties, weddings, perhaps religious ceremonies, conferences. If he can't handle the situation properly with his friends, how will he be able to handle these other situations?
I think a lot of times we believe we have to settle for a "lesser" mate if one rejects us. I actually think it is the opposite, we have to set the bar higher and find a stronger mate. I know this probably hurts and I feel for you, hopefully all this information frees you to find what you really need.
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Permalink Reply by Alina07 on
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If I were in your shoes I'd delete him and stop talking to him. I don't care if he was showing off or joking with friends, it's not funny. If he can't stand up for you now, while you guys are just friends he won't do it while you guys date. Drop him and find someone that cares.
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Permalink Reply by me on
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Thank you so much for your help everyone I really appreciate it. I haven't confronted him yet because I'm not sure how to approach it. He still texts me every day but I know I shouldn't talk to him. I just don't know how to confront him seeing I saw what he said over his Facebook messages. Thank you again everyone!
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If he never sees he consequences of his behavior he will never change and he will do this horrible thing to someone else. Confrontation is hard but necessary in cases where we are wronged. Noone deserve to be humiliated.
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