Alopecia World
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Who notices? Who cares?
1. Thursday, I was at a pre-wedding reception, talking with a man with whom I've spoken a number of times over the past several years. A pretty high-powered, smart guy who was the president of an elite liberal arts college when I met him, and a cancer researcher before that, who definitely recognized me, remembering my name and prior conversations. He looked slightly uncomfortable as he asked if he could ask, was I undergoing some kind of treatment? He pulled off the question well; and we quickly realized he had never before noticed my scarfed or hatted bald head and patchy to missing eyebrows.
2. This summer, I was in desert National Parks when it seemed to me people were just not looking at my hatted or uncovered head. I asked my partner to check, and he observed that IF people looked again, it was brief and they were quickly on to other sights, at which they gazed much longer and with more interest. Same at the Jersey shore.
3. Most people don't notice the Mona Lisa doesn't have eyebrows, though they do notice her eyes.
These and more are starting me to think that, given an opportunity, people often focus on things more interesting than the condition of our hair and eyebrows, like good conversation or other visual beauty. Have you noticed this phenomenon? Have you used it?
2. This summer, I was in desert National Parks when it seemed to me people were just not looking at my hatted or uncovered head. I asked my partner to check, and he observed that IF people looked again, it was brief and they were quickly on to other sights, at which they gazed much longer and with more interest. Same at the Jersey shore.
3. Most people don't notice the Mona Lisa doesn't have eyebrows, though they do notice her eyes.
These and more are starting me to think that, given an opportunity, people often focus on things more interesting than the condition of our hair and eyebrows, like good conversation or other visual beauty. Have you noticed this phenomenon? Have you used it?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Gee, maybe THAT is why I am a Blitzen. I can keep their minds on something other than looking over my head to create a comment or thought about that. Conversation trumps wig.
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Permalink Reply by Lisa Santer on
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What's a Blitzen?
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What a lady from church said I was instead of "Prancer" as I had put on my nametag. It came up again later at the party, probably in reference to my coming on strong in conversations. I was a bit insulted, because I try very hard to find friends and stir up fun...but I hid the hurt and joked about it. (I REALLY have to find my kind of people!)
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Permalink Reply by Devin on
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You are definitely right Lisa because I never noticed the Mona Lisa didn’t have eye brows or eye lashes for that matter and I have AA. It must be her visual beauty! I think it matters a lot more to the person that is missing the hair then the person looking at us.
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Permalink Reply by Petra on
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A big smile :-) I've noticed that when people look at me when I'm out with a hat or scarf on and I give them a big smile most will respond in kind. I think the smile makes them feel at ease and shows that I'm o.k. and happy.
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Permalink Reply by margaret staib on
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I have found that the people that make stupid comments (let's see the one recently "You must feel like you live your life like a lie when you go out with your wig on, like you have some sort of disguise on.......) those are the people that are the most insecure about themselves. Because.......no I never felt that way but, maybe that's how she might feel given my path in life now. On positive notes we were buying our Christmas tree from an old friend and he asked how I was doing and I said great!, really no hair left but, life is good. He smiled and said "Who cares Margaret, your eyes have always been the most beautiful to me. :) We bought the biggest tree from him this year and when ever I looked at it it made my eyes happy :) Great post Lisa!
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Permalink Reply by Norm on
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Lisa, it's ace you've written this post, because this is something I actually noticed when an AU friend was visiting the UK back in September, and we had a day out in Liverpool. I'd always suspected that people don't really care about such things as how much or little hair others may have, so I thought I'd do a little people-watching.... y'know, sorta "watching the watchers", as it were, just to see how peeps really do react to a bald girl - and because I was merely an observer, I could be totally objective about it.
We spent hours mooching about all over the city, and I reckon there were 3 people at most who did a double-take... and even that was merely a brief glance, as if checking what they'd seen. For everyone else, including those who we had interaction with (in pubs, hotels, coffee bars, shops, places of interest), it made absolutely no difference whatsoever.... in some ways I felt a little cheated!
I put this down to a few factors.... 1) "bald" is common now - you see innumerable bald guys everywhere, and bald women are seen on TV and in films regularly, so a bald head in itself is nothing to take particular notice of; 2) people are much more at liberty to be themselves these days.... we don't have to conform as much as we once did; 3) therefore, "bald" isn't "bad" anymore - it can be a choice for people; 4) my AU pal isn't bothered by her baldness - it's just part of who she is, and because of that there's no nervousness or insecurity that people can pick up on.
So based on my own observations, I agree - hardly anyone notices, and nobody cares. And to all those girls/women out there reading this who are losing their hair, or already have, I say don't worry about what you believe the opinions of others will be - they won't have much of one! Just learn to love yourselves as you are, with hair or without. Your confidence and self-belief is much more important a factor in how people will view you.... and for those worrying about Doing The Dating Thing while bald.... a ready smile, sense of humour and a touch of "personality" are far and away the most important things in determining whether you get to the second (or 3rd, or 4th!) meet!
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Permalink Reply by Julie Koch on
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From my own experience I have learned that most people that put others down are very insecure themselves. The only reason why people make fun of others is to try to build themselves up. I had some beautiful friends growing up and I remember being teased a lot and it hurt but we were still friends. I thought they had the best lives and were so gorgeous and smart and that their lives were perfect. A few years later they both tried to commit suicide. I didn't even know about their own personal insecurities they had. I now know to take peoples comments with a grain of salt. You never know what others journeys through life are like. I believe Dr. Phil said something like "you would be surprised how much time you think about what others are thinking of you when they actually think very little of you"... It was something like that. I think you get the idea of what he was saying!!! Good thoughts and post!
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Permalink Reply by Angie P on
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Okay Lisa, you just taught me something new! I had to go Google the Mona Lisa.
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Permalink Reply by Lori Van Decker on
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A few years ago, I was biking in Acadia and was really hot and sweaty. We got back to my truck, and my sister went into the portapotty to change from her bike shorts into more dry, comfortable rear-gear. All I could think about was getting that blasted helmet and doo-rag off and some cool air on my scalp. I ripped off my head gear and was drying my wet scalp in the sun, my drawn-on eyebrows melting off. All of a sudden, there was a tap on my shoulder. It was a man, who asked me for directions to Jordan Pond. There I was in all of my sweaty, melty, bald glory, and this guy didn't even blink at my Alopecia Universalis. He just asked me for directions, and thanked me when I gave them to him and told him to be sure to order popovers and jam at the Jordan Pond Restaurant.
This was truly a memorable incident for me.
I don't go out bald in public very much, but I do change wigs and scarfs and hats...sometimes several times in one day, and I no longer hide the fact that I have AU. :)
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Permalink Reply by Martin on
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Its funny that you had mentioned the following:
"He looked slightly uncomfortable as he asked if he could ask, was I undergoing some kind of treatment? He pulled off the question well; and we quickly realized he had never before noticed my scarfed or hatted bald head and patchy to missing eyebrows."
What I have noticed in my own experience is that most friends and colleagues don't notice that I don't have hair, eyebrows or eye lashes or if they did, they soon forgot. I am just the bald guy, nothing more, nothing less. And it is very likely because I don't do anything to bring their attention to the fact I am bald. Attitude and personality go a very long way and if you are open and pleasant, people really don't remember anything more than your smile and dimples.
Mind you, took me a long time to learn that but once I did, even I forgot I was bald.
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