Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by E Ski on December 19, 2010 at 12:08am

I feel the sameeeeeeeeee way. I'm such a spazz when a guy goes for my hair. We just have to remember that we're not frauds... we're dealing with our situation as best and as normally as we can. People wear push up bras, go tanning, and put on fake nails right?

If you're contemplating just stopping talking to him, why not test out your strength and tell him about it? Seems like you can't lose--if he reacts negatively, you'll know he's a sucky person and you can move on (sounds like you've got back-ups anyways!). If he reacts positively, well you've got yourself a winner who really is interested in YOU and not just your looks. And the overall experience will really show you that you can conquer something that scares you so much :)

Permalink Reply by John R on December 19, 2010 at 12:23am

Krissie-  there are always things that you may want to hide from someone you feel strongly about, but take it from a guy, if you really like him he needs to know. If he says its no big deal than you have found someone great who likes you for you. If on the other hand he decides he can't deal with it, than I think you need to be fair with him and let him know before the relationship goes further. Though you may consider him shallow etc... he will still feel resentment towards you and those feeling will be far worse than if you tell him now. Remember the positive, you want someone to honestly like you, so you need to be honest also. All the best -John

Permalink Reply by Margo on December 19, 2010 at 10:35am

Krissie-

I really feel for you but I agree with the comments from E SKI and John! If you tell hem and he reacts negatively you'll be finding out a real truth about him and you can move on before deeper emotions are involved and the hurt would be that much stronger. You sound like an outgoing fun strong person so I'm sure you will find someone that will accept you for who you are and not just your hair. It is discouraging that in our society today that appearance (particularly a woman's hair) is givin so much emphasis and thus makes it so difficult for us single smooth women to date and find love. I really don't know when is the best time to tell someone about our alopecia? Personally I haven't dated at all since losing my hair 3yrs ago then last week over the phone I made a date with someone from Match.com and all of a sudden I just decided to put it all out there and told him. Well a few hours before our planned date, he called and cancelled and I haven't heard from him since. I never even got to meet him in person so neither of us will ever know if we liked eachother. So my question is when is it the right time to tell someone?? I did read an article from another alopecian that said we should tell them on the 3rd date...you kind of get to know someone but not so emotionally invested that your heart will be broken if they reject you.......I wish you all the best of luck and facing this fear will really make you stronger! Hang in there! LOL

Permalink Reply by Norm on December 19, 2010 at 10:58am

Hiya Margo, sorry to hear about your aborted date. But hey, at least he called and cancelled and didn't just fail to turn up... so that's a sort-of result, isn't it? And also, you found out before you invested anything into it, so again, a result.
All this about "when to tell" is too personal to generalize, really. It's totally down to your own mental state and the chemistry that occurs between two given people. Personally, as I've said before, I'd rather know straight off... then you've got it outta the way and can concentrate on more important issues, such as who's buying the 1st round :)
Anyway, keep plugging away at the ole dating lark and you'll soon meet someone who likes you as you are. Er, where did you say you were again.... ? ;)

Krissie.... glad to hear of your harem (can you use that word about men? ... well, whatever!), but why are you stressing about this one guy? Just tell him and see what he does! What's the worst that can happen? Yep - he runs away. So what? Move onto the next! And you never know, he might just surprise you.
See what I said to Margo.... don't stop trying, be honest and be yourself, and STOP WORRYING. Not all guys are obsessed by hair (what would those who are do if a gal decided to have a short haircut??), and soon you'll meet one of the millions of us who aren't. Er, obsessed, I mean (think I even managed to lose myself in that last sentence.... if you understood it, can you explain it back to me please? Ta!)
Let us know what happens.... :)

Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on December 20, 2010 at 1:47pm

If someone went on and on about my wig instead of my personality, I would finally just take it off, hand it over, and tell him he has 5 minutes to fondle it before giving it back. Then you create many opportunities for truth to be revealed, all in one visit. Ha!

Permalink Reply by Krissie on December 30, 2010 at 7:29pm

Stopped seeing him. It just didn't feel right. U can almose feel when things are not sincere, and I don't think he was. Some of you made the comment to others about telling someone when you know there is some potential...and I agree with that. Even if it is just about 'telling' a guy about my hair, I would like that to mean something too.

Permalink Reply by Artemis88 on January 2, 2011 at 1:59pm

Good for you. If it didn't feel right that was the right decisions.
For me, I don't want to put myself through getting hurt if it isn't worth it. I mean, if I don't know about a guy, I am not going to tell him about my alopecia because I don't even know how I feel about him yet. What's the point of letting him hurt your feelings if he isn't someone who you even know if you want to be with? No girl is required to tell a guy that her boobs are fake. No one has to say if they are wearing a push up bra, or fake nails.
No woman is forced to show up with no makeup on with the whole "This is who I really am, what do you think?" so why should we? I have decided that I will let a guy know when I feel like it is right and not worry about "tricking him". I don't understand why we are expected to do this big reveal when there are so many other enhancements people do where they are allowed to just leave it alone.
I have thought about his a lot, and I say screw it. I am not going to make a big grand gesture and have a "talk" when I feel like it is right., I am just going to say casually what it is, that it runs in my family and whatever. I'm still hot, right? I realize that guys will still walk away. But I am not going to let them get away with that attitude without knowing how superficial and assinine they are being, and I might just throw a drink in their face if I feel the need ;-)