Comment by Anne on January 10, 2009 at 12:47am

I don't think the woman meant anything offensive by it. I mean...even way before Alopecia, when I would wear my hair and clothes and make-up all punky-like, if someone saw me looking more girly and "normal," they'd sometimes say, "You look great! You should look like that all the time!" even though I felt anything but "great" with that sort of look. I still knew they meant well, though.

Comment by Mukti on January 10, 2009 at 1:00am

Wow, those were fighting words....but to read further and see that the friends were so close to you both puts a different light on things. It just goes to show how an innocent remark can stir up emotions. I believe that Cheryl is so comfortable in herself that it didn't bother her. On the other hand had I been the one on the receiving end of that comment I know all kinds of emotions would come to surface. Mostly negative and feelings of not being good enough to be out in public without hair and lead me down the road of insercurity! Well now it just gets me thinking.

Comment by rj, Co-founder on January 10, 2009 at 1:04am

Hey, Anne. I don't think she meant anything by the comment, either. But her husband, who has been a friend of mine for over 20 years, and I sure had enjoyed ribbing her for it. (By the way, sometimes people say the same kinds of things to me when I'm wearing dark clothes: "Hey, rj, that diet really is working. Keep it up, Bro.!" LOL)

Comment by Suzanne Thompson on January 10, 2009 at 1:04am

Fortunately Cheryl looks fantastic with or without hair. I'm guessing the comment was along the same lines as someone commenting favorably (or not so favorably) about any new hairstyle. Just like Anne mentioned above. I remember Cheryl trying on my wig at one of the conferences, actually we passed it around the table in the meet and greet room, and everyone tried it on. I have a pic of her somewhere. She looked great in it! But she looks great without it too! It's all about having choices..and honestly, if I had her great coloring (read: NO veins showing thru my snow white scalp) and her terrific head shape, I would go bald more often. Everybody's got an opinion...

Comment by Vicsta on January 10, 2009 at 9:20am

I think people can't understand why we might not 'want' to have hair... in the sense that we have reached complete acceptance of not having it, so we don't feel the 'need' for it.

The rest of society thinks of hair on a woman as being a necessity and, therefore, believes that should we lose some or all of it, we must surely want to replace/replicate it through a wig, topper, integeration piece etc.

I don't think the remark was meant in a bad way. I would take it as the ignorant comment of someone who has no idea or understanding of where Cheryl is at and cannot imagine not having their own hair and being happy!

Comment by willow on January 10, 2009 at 10:52am

We all say things that we wished we'd taken a moment to think prior. Part of being good friends is that they know, it was never meant malicious. So when something out of norm comes out of our mouths its often a chuckle, by being ribbed for a bit.

Comment by willow on January 10, 2009 at 10:53am

and Rj, naked snowangels is a good idea, I'll have to suggest that to my hubby...lol

Comment by Mary on January 10, 2009 at 11:23am

Good discussion. A well-meaning older friend made repeated comments to the effect that I look SOOO nice in my wig, and has asked me why I'm not wearing it anymore. I eventually asked him to wear one of my wigs for an hour so he could feel what it's like. He declined, and hasn't asked me about wigs again.

I think the interview I did recently on TV has helped many of my friends and family finally "get it". It's on AW, and I also just posted it on YouTube: "Living a Bald Life".

Overall, I've had many more positive comments from strangers who see me bald, than negative ones. And, I agree with Georgia about the chemo comments. I had a 10-minute conversation in Costco with a man who lost his wife to cancer last year...he approached me because I reminded him of the way she had looked, and even after he found out I don't have cancer, it comforted him to talk to me and tell me about her. It is a blessing.

Mary

Comment by theantichick (Shannon's Mom) on January 10, 2009 at 12:16pm

I think you guys handled it fabulously. People make comments not thinking how it comes across. My daughter's starting to come to the place where wigs aren't a necessity, and I'm glad for it. Her wig has come off a couple of times now playing b-ball at school and we're taking family pictures today and she asked me if she *has* to wear her wig. I told her of course she doesn't have to... when and where she wears a wig or any other head covering is and has always been her choice, my only requirement is a sun hat on sunny days and a warm hat on cold days. (It's the mom in me...) I love that people like everyone here at AW is speaking out and hope that we're making a small change in the world so that people don't feel like they HAVE to look a certain way in the world.

Comment by LeslieAnn Butler on January 10, 2009 at 1:57pm

Hey, it's really no biggie. I agree with the others who say that it's similar to people who tell you they think you look extra cute with a certain hairstyle or outfit.
I also would like to add that it is fabulous that Cheryl and many others love to go without hair, but it should also be an acceptable and celebrated option for people to choose to wear wigs all the time. I've seen a lot of comments to the effect that unless you bare it all, there's something wrong with you; you're not accepting your condition. If we are a community of acceptance, there should also be an acceptance of people who like to wear hair, and not make them feel that there is something wrong with them because they have made that choice.

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