Alopecia World
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Change hurts. Birth was painful too
Just an introduction blog. I was a bald baby! Haha. My mother said that when I was a new born, I looked her right in the eyes, that the expression in my eyes looked "adult". She used to tell me that she thought I was switched with a fairy baby or was an alien in another life, lol... in fact, she claimed that she once had a crazy lady (who thought she was a psychic, or vice versa) tell her that I was an alien in a past life, from another planet. She always told me this with an added touch of humour. Now that I'm losing my hair, I can't help but think how ironic!
Up until a year and a half ago, I had thick hair that had been styled in any way imaginable. I've had a mohawk, a short pixie cut, a Louise Brooks bob, and for years and years I had waist length hair. As you can imagine, I was pretty attached to my hair. Especially considering that I was a licensed hairdresser. It started shedding by the handfuls and I thought it was a stress shed. It did start a few months after some very severe stress, so I do believe there's a connection. After doing my hoemwork and then demanding a scalp biopsy, I was diagnosed with Female Pattern Baldness. The way the derm told me was very cold and insensitive. The tone of her voice was horrible. Since then I can't even tell you how many tears I've cried. Scared of the future, in shock, finding it so hard to part with my old "persona" tears. Also the silly, superficial fear that guys will no longer find me attractive, not in the "across the board" way, anyways. I'm ashamed to say, I've googled pictures of women who are bald and still beautiful, in order to feel comforted somehow. How nuts is that. And there are SO many gorgeous women (and men) out there who are bald. But still, even though I know this, I feel ugly. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not true. And part of me believes it, of course. I feel torn...
I don't understand why my appearance is so important to me. That "just" hair could affect me so deeply. 'Cause it's just hair! Right?
So one side of me is literally mourning, clinging in fear to my hair and unable to let go. Telling myself that this can't be happening, telling myself that I can't handle a future without hair. The other side of me is preparing myself for the life of a "bald" woman, trying to become stronger, trying to shed my narrow-mindedness about femininity (pun intended). I feel like such a drama queen over this. I'm angry that it's such a big deal to me.
I had so much hair originally, that when hair loss first began, it didn't show for some time, even though clumps would clog my shower drain. My hair is still "passable" with some styling, but it looks like thin hair now. Still alright I guess, not "noticeable" to most, but not pretty hair either. I actually tried rogaine when I got my diagnosis, with much trepidation. Everyone on the forum I'm on kept talking about the "dread shed", and it held me off longer than it should have. Miraculously, some of my hair grew back and my hair loss was stabilized. I was elated and forgot about this hair loss stuff for about a year. I've come to the conclusion that when a treatment "works" with AGA, you're just biding your time. The reality must be confronted eventually, and you can't hide from it forever. I'm now shedding again and maybe losing much of what I re-grew. Not shaving quite yet, but wrapping my head around it. Trying to cope with the emotional pain and shame. Attempting to prepare myself for the stigma... one I understand very well, having been in an accident that left my right arm burnt and badly scarred at a young age. I know what it feels like to be given sideways looks, and have others judge me. I know what it feels like to cosmetically stand out from society. I've worn long sleeves for many years, which has been fine for me anyways, seeing as I'm sooooo pale. But the feeling of standing out so much is one I haven't dealt with for a long time. When I wrote my About Me here, I wrote that my hair texture is going back to what it once was as a little girl. It actually turns out that my childhood lessons are appropriating themselves again. I'll once again stand out differently in society. Bald women are just not that common. I once taught myself that I'm beautiful with my scars. Now I have to teach myself to feel beautiful all over again. Every woman must know that she's beautful, right? For me, I think this is going to be a long journey...
Self acceptance is my destination, I can't wait to finally feel at home in the world. 'Cause "home is where you hang your hat." Lawl. (Sorry, there was no non-cheesy way for me to write any of this!)
Up until a year and a half ago, I had thick hair that had been styled in any way imaginable. I've had a mohawk, a short pixie cut, a Louise Brooks bob, and for years and years I had waist length hair. As you can imagine, I was pretty attached to my hair. Especially considering that I was a licensed hairdresser. It started shedding by the handfuls and I thought it was a stress shed. It did start a few months after some very severe stress, so I do believe there's a connection. After doing my hoemwork and then demanding a scalp biopsy, I was diagnosed with Female Pattern Baldness. The way the derm told me was very cold and insensitive. The tone of her voice was horrible. Since then I can't even tell you how many tears I've cried. Scared of the future, in shock, finding it so hard to part with my old "persona" tears. Also the silly, superficial fear that guys will no longer find me attractive, not in the "across the board" way, anyways. I'm ashamed to say, I've googled pictures of women who are bald and still beautiful, in order to feel comforted somehow. How nuts is that. And there are SO many gorgeous women (and men) out there who are bald. But still, even though I know this, I feel ugly. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not true. And part of me believes it, of course. I feel torn...
I don't understand why my appearance is so important to me. That "just" hair could affect me so deeply. 'Cause it's just hair! Right?
So one side of me is literally mourning, clinging in fear to my hair and unable to let go. Telling myself that this can't be happening, telling myself that I can't handle a future without hair. The other side of me is preparing myself for the life of a "bald" woman, trying to become stronger, trying to shed my narrow-mindedness about femininity (pun intended). I feel like such a drama queen over this. I'm angry that it's such a big deal to me.
I had so much hair originally, that when hair loss first began, it didn't show for some time, even though clumps would clog my shower drain. My hair is still "passable" with some styling, but it looks like thin hair now. Still alright I guess, not "noticeable" to most, but not pretty hair either. I actually tried rogaine when I got my diagnosis, with much trepidation. Everyone on the forum I'm on kept talking about the "dread shed", and it held me off longer than it should have. Miraculously, some of my hair grew back and my hair loss was stabilized. I was elated and forgot about this hair loss stuff for about a year. I've come to the conclusion that when a treatment "works" with AGA, you're just biding your time. The reality must be confronted eventually, and you can't hide from it forever. I'm now shedding again and maybe losing much of what I re-grew. Not shaving quite yet, but wrapping my head around it. Trying to cope with the emotional pain and shame. Attempting to prepare myself for the stigma... one I understand very well, having been in an accident that left my right arm burnt and badly scarred at a young age. I know what it feels like to be given sideways looks, and have others judge me. I know what it feels like to cosmetically stand out from society. I've worn long sleeves for many years, which has been fine for me anyways, seeing as I'm sooooo pale. But the feeling of standing out so much is one I haven't dealt with for a long time. When I wrote my About Me here, I wrote that my hair texture is going back to what it once was as a little girl. It actually turns out that my childhood lessons are appropriating themselves again. I'll once again stand out differently in society. Bald women are just not that common. I once taught myself that I'm beautiful with my scars. Now I have to teach myself to feel beautiful all over again. Every woman must know that she's beautful, right? For me, I think this is going to be a long journey...
Self acceptance is my destination, I can't wait to finally feel at home in the world. 'Cause "home is where you hang your hat." Lawl. (Sorry, there was no non-cheesy way for me to write any of this!)
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Comment by Kate on October 4, 2011 at 12:17am
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What an insightful introduction blog post. Welcome Lili. I really think that this community will help you move through all of the emotions you are feeling. Sometimes what is most helpful is knowing you are not alone, and I assure you after reading this, you are not alone. Those feelings of fear and sadness you are having, that back and forth between logically knowing your hair does not define you and being terrified that it is too important to loose, and the feelings of shame and embarrassment are all so very normal. I think it's part of the process we all have to go through.
I know, just like you do, that self acceptance is your destiny. You will get there. I am glad we all get to be here to help as we can!
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Comment by Lili on October 4, 2011 at 12:26am
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Thank you so much for your touching response. I was scared to write my first blog to be honest. But I'm so glad to have found this community.
"Self acceptance is our destiny"- true true.
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Comment by Calipso on October 4, 2011 at 8:44am
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Be strong Lili, I know it's kind of thing we hear a lot, but also let yourself be weak sometimes, we all are human and have our bad days, bad months or even years, but as my teacher once said, life has these sides and we just have to hope that it will get better:) Hope you will find your strength! I see you have it:) Be brave and be beautiful!
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Thank you Calipso... I feel I'm weak many days. xx
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Think about it maybe not as weak, but vulnerable. You are allowed to be emotional sometimes, to go through the grieving and confusion and anger that can come with such an unfair physical transition. Of course, you strive not to be this way all the time, but in order to become strong and resilient, I think you need to know the opposing feelings as well. It's all part of the process and Calipso is wise to encourage us all to let all sides of ourselves go through this experience.
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Comment by FANCY1024 on October 4, 2011 at 5:01pm
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Hi Lili, I have those same feelings everyday. I'm fairly new to this site also. It's been a god sent! I've been dealing with AA for almost 2 years. Unfortunately I still have some very hard days and some bad weeks where all i want to do I cry or sleep continuously. They are getting fewer and further a part but they do stil pop up. Just remember, you're never alone and if you need a friend, we're here! Di
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Kate- you're totally right... I know I can't "move to the next level" until I experience all I need to in order to get there.
Di- (hugs) I know how the crying feels, I'm glad the days are getting easier for you... I hope they get better and better still. Very glad I found this site.
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Comment by Karen Smith on October 4, 2011 at 8:43pm
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Hi, This is a tremendous loss. My daughter lost all of her gorgeous waist length hair in a 2 week peiod her senior year in highschool. She opted for wigs and that gave her the confidence to get on with life. Use what you need to, to make yourself feel good again. She gets stopped all the time and told what beautiful hair she has. She just says thanks. I am sorry for what you are going through.
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Comment by Mary on October 4, 2011 at 11:49pm
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Hang in there, and look at photos and blogs and videos on AW. You are NOT alone. It's taken me a couple of years, but I am honestly fine with how I look. Sure, I'd rather have my hair back. But, this is who I am, and I hold my head up, put on nice earrings, and feel good about how I look. It just takes time, and baby steps.
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Comment by Cheryl, Co-founder on October 5, 2011 at 2:33am
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Hi Lili, I see a lot of awesome advice. Your blog hit a vulnerable spot that most of us have. Feelings that most of us have struggled with and have either overcome or are still trying to overcome. I understand the concept that "I once taught myself that I'm beautiful with my scars. Now I have to teach myself to feel beautiful all over again." It was a powerful statement and one that resonates with many of us, including myself. I think as women we are always fighting that battle, whether it is weight, aging or something like scars of alopecia. You have done it before and can do it again. Welcome to Alopecia World, I pray that this community is useful and will accompany you on your journey to your destination of self-acceptance.
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