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Dad told me not to go out in public bald
I have been living at home with my parents for the last five months before I start grad school. Since then I have always worn a wig around the house (I have been wearing a wig for almost 2 years now). I had never gone out in public without a wig until attending the NAAF conference a few weeks ago in Indianapolis - which was also my first time meeting anyone else with Alopecia. My parents have always been supportive for the most part - when my hair started really falling out they found a wig shop for me and bought me multiple wigs, etc. They never questioned why I never take my wig off in front of them. I only take it off in my room, with a locked door.
Tonight, I was talking to my dad about my boyfriend and my dad mentioned something to the tune of
"well that's good he puts up with you, with your hair problem and all."
This statement upset me and I told him that actually no boyfriend I've told has ever rejected me for my Alopecia.
Then he followed by saying its okay if I go around the house without my wig, but I shouldn't go out in public without a wig.
This was a stab to my heart.
It took a lot of courage for me to go without my wig in public for the first time a few weeks ago and it really hurt to hear my own father say that I "shouldn't go out in public, because people will think I have cancer and they will make fun of me..."
He made an analogy to his hippie days when he had long hair and a long beard and people making fun of him.
It really hurt.
I told him it's not easy wearing a wig and the DNCB treatment makes my scalp blister, burn and itch like crazy - especially in the heat of summer. I asked him if he would shadow me one day without my wig...
"we could go to the mall, run errands, etc" I said, practically shaking in tears.
He shook his head and changed the subject.
This really hurt.
He told me it's my mom's fault for giving me the bald gene, not his.
Again, this really hurt.
Thanks Alopecia World for listening to me.
Tonight, I was talking to my dad about my boyfriend and my dad mentioned something to the tune of
"well that's good he puts up with you, with your hair problem and all."
This statement upset me and I told him that actually no boyfriend I've told has ever rejected me for my Alopecia.
Then he followed by saying its okay if I go around the house without my wig, but I shouldn't go out in public without a wig.
This was a stab to my heart.
It took a lot of courage for me to go without my wig in public for the first time a few weeks ago and it really hurt to hear my own father say that I "shouldn't go out in public, because people will think I have cancer and they will make fun of me..."
He made an analogy to his hippie days when he had long hair and a long beard and people making fun of him.
It really hurt.
I told him it's not easy wearing a wig and the DNCB treatment makes my scalp blister, burn and itch like crazy - especially in the heat of summer. I asked him if he would shadow me one day without my wig...
"we could go to the mall, run errands, etc" I said, practically shaking in tears.
He shook his head and changed the subject.
This really hurt.
He told me it's my mom's fault for giving me the bald gene, not his.
Again, this really hurt.
Thanks Alopecia World for listening to me.
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Comment by Clara S. on July 16, 2010 at 3:53am
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I would feel hurt too if my dad said that to me. I don't know your dad but maybe he doesn't realise how hurtful those words are and perhaps you should talk to him about it. Either way, I can understand how you feel but I hope you stay strong and do what you feel is best for yourself. Take care!
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Comment by Amy on July 16, 2010 at 5:03am
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I'm so sorry that you're hurting! While your dad was definitely wrong in making you doubt yourself (and the boyfriend statement even hurt me to read), I think he's trying in his own weird way to help- i get the feeling he just doesn't want you to feel/look different. I hope if your self esteem is taking frequent blows like this, you can get out of there, or see a therapist- you don't deserve this.
Take care,
Amy
PS- who makes fun of people with cancer?!
Take
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Comment by Tallgirl on July 16, 2010 at 7:48am
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Your dad may be speaking for himself. Sounds like HE is the one judging. Obviously, he liked long hair...but maybe he doesn't know how to be a dad yet. My own father broke my heart when I asked him whether or not I should get contacts at 17, and he snapped at me, "Why are you so concerned about your looks?" I went to the playground and bawled my eyes out..probably because the Main Man in my life, Dad, had just shot me down on an inner question about my attractiveness. If your own father doesn't get your drive to find yourself in all this, then ignor him and find others who do. Or, just leave the parents out of your developing sense of womanhood, as hard as that may be. We all have to leave that nest anyway, at some point. Try an older teen or college gal with alopecia to talk to instead, here, even if there is no one physically in your town with alopecia. Also, see www.naaf.org to find a local support group or contact person.
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Comment by Mary on July 16, 2010 at 5:10pm
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Margarita, I'm so sorry you're having to experience this. My parents passed away before I lost my hair, but my brother couldn't understand why I wasn't wearing a wig. He thought I was making some kind of a "feminist" statement by choosing to be bald in public! I finally got through to him by describing the extreme heat of wigs, and asking him to imagine how HE would feel wearing a full-head, tight, hair or plastic fiber hat in warm conditions or exercising. He admitted it would be uncomfortable. Ask him if HE would wear a wig 24/7 if he lost his hair (if he hasn't lost it already).
Hang in there and don't listen to his negativity and criticism.
Our parents are often flawed human beings who sometimes say and do dumb things, and that's difficult to have to accept.
You're beautiful. Bald women are beautiful. We have to be proud of who we are and not listen to the people who try to tear us down. Celebrate International Alopecia Day tomorrow, and take a photo of yourself and I'll put it in the YouTube video I'll be doing about the Day!
Good luck, and stay in touch with your friends here on AW. Mary
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Comment by Norm on July 16, 2010 at 5:54pm
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Hi M! Looks like you're getting some good advice here!
I think what all this proves is that everyone, every single person in the whole wide world, can be an arsehole sometimes. No-one's perfect - no-one gets it right all the time - no-one has all the answers. Trouble is, everyone thinks they do! :)
Suppose it doesn't help cos parents are SUPPOSED to know, aren't they? But they're just as screwed-up cos of what THEIR parents said and did to them... they have their own preconceptions, comfort zones, ideas of what's right and wrong, and all that. They're all convinced they know what's the Right Thing To Do. (They're all wrong, by the way. Only I know what's right. :) )
Thing to remember is, although it's good to get approval and support and all that - we shouldn't define ourselves by what other peeps think. Our happiness shouldn't be conditional on what someone else thinks or says.
It's a tough creed to live by, sometimes, but it's nonetheless true. Other people should enhance out lives and happiness, not be responsible for it. That's OUR job. :)
I remember being a long-haired hippy like your Dad, back in the day.... and yep, I used to get all those kinda reactions that he did, too. Then I went bald and shaved my head (before it was OK for guys to be bald) and guess what.... it all happened again! Hey ho.... sometimes you can't please anybody no matter what you do !! (But I can still scare peeps when I show them those old fotos.... :) )
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Comment by Galena on July 16, 2010 at 7:22pm
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Norm is so right, the support you're receiving here is great. I'm a Daddy's Girl and would be deeply affected if my dad said something negative about my baldness. Thankfully he blessed me with a statement of support, but I can empathize with your pain because it's damaging to the emotions to hear that from someone you love. Your dad will regret and maybe even retract his statement when you continue to go on boldly with your life. It's inevitable that he will also see that you inherited your mom's tolerance too.
Hugs,
~G
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Come down and join us for the San Diego International Alopecia Day event at Fashion Valley Mall tomorrow, Margarita! I wish your dad would come, too - there will be quite a few bald women out there, looking great and being confident. It would do him good to see us!
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Sometimes you have to be your own best friend...or your own "parent."
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Comment by kastababy on July 17, 2010 at 2:33am
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I'm sorry your dad said those hurtful words to you -- I saw you at the conference and thought you were just lovely!!
I can't imagine my daddy saying anything that hurtful to me -- I was truly a Daddy's Girl and his unconditional acceptance of my alopecia and lack of judgment regarding whether or not I wanted to cover my head or not set the standard by which I judge everyone to this day.
Unfortunately, you may never be able to change your father's mind about how he feels. The only thing you can do is take care of YOU. In the end, the person that has to look at you every day in the mirror is YOU. And if you're not comfortable with yourself, no amount of upset or hurt is going to make anyone else comfortable around you either. So do what you feel you should do and what makes you feel good -- eventually your dad will come around.
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Comment by Evan on July 17, 2010 at 3:58am
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Excuse my terseness, but your father's an ass! Great way to show support - thanks pops! It appears HE is the one who is embarrassed and uncomfortable with your condition, and is deflecting that onto you.
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