Alopecia World
www.alopeciaworld.com
Dating and alopecia
I have had Alopecia for over 20 years, since I was a little girl. So I consider myself a "seasoned veteran" of this disease. For the most part I'm pretty use to it. The unpredictable nature, wearing wigs, the occasional explanation to someone, etc. However, one thing that had always given me anxiety was dating with my alopecia.
I thought that would never be an issue again once I got married, however I find myself back in the dating world and the anxiety is right there with it. Not only is dating difficult to begin with-(especially when you're a parent) but adding the extra layer of.. "oh, by the way.. I lose my hair." to the equation and I almost rather avoid it all together.
When I first met my husband I was not wearing a wig but had patches that I could cover. Since then I now wear a wig full time as my patches are too big.
I find the idea of explaining my wig to someone is more stressful then just saying I have Alopecia. I'm not exactly sure why but perhaps because I'm hiding it and in order to reveal it I need to take off my "mask" (wig).
How do you explain this to someone not only new but that your interested in? How do you determine the right time to bring it up, not knowing how it will be handled? How does one deal with the anxiety Alopecia brings when dating?
You would think I would know these things since I have been through it once, but I find that despite being older, having been married, and growing up with this disease; it still wins at creating doubt and insecurities.
--------
AW: You may want to also check out the excellent "Third Date Rule" written by Debbi Fuller a few years ago.
-
Comment by mmmm on May 7, 2013 at 12:27am
-
I can totally understand what you are going through. I too am back in the dating scene after getting divorce. It's already hard enough to find someone when you are being a single mother, but with alopecia... It's nerve wrecking and very stressful. I'm having a really difficult time dealing with dating. I think after 3 or 4 dates, you may want to reveal about Alopecia as you don't wanna get deep into him if he would not accpet you as who you are..which was my case and was not successful unfortunately.. :( I was very afraid to tell as I did not want alopecia to define me, but rather wanted him to know who I was.
-
Comment by Dame on May 7, 2013 at 9:05am
-
Thank you for your comment. You're very right that it is nerve wrecking!! I'm sorry that you have had to face this tough road as well but I think you're right in telling them earlier than later. It is hard because I don't want it to define me either but it is who I am and I can't change it nor control it as you well know.
-
Comment by Cheryl, Co-founder on May 7, 2013 at 6:43pm
-
Hi Larisa,
I will try to list a couple of discussion that may help you on this subject.
In the meantime, you may also want to browse the "Men who don't Mind" group, you may find it very encouraing and a great reminder of what kind of a man you are looking for.
As well as the discussions on love and relationships.
-
-
Thank you Cheryl! I really appreciate it.
-
Comment by Rosanna on May 7, 2013 at 8:40pm
-
Reading your blog post and Miho's comment, I relate so much that I feel like I could have written them both myself. So much so I actually wrote, produced and acted in my short film, Layers, that highlights exactly this issue. Dating with alopecia can be stressful. Do I tell him on a first date? Do I not? When do I tell him? My husband and I went through a trial separation and during it, I did date someone else. I was nervous about telling him but it had been so long since I dated anyone that I forgot that everyone google searches everyone they date. So without me realizing it, my date already knew I had alopecia and obviously didn't care. My advice is to be flexible and follow your heart. Flexible in the sense that there isn't any hard or fast rule to when and how you should say it. Each situation/person will be different. Focus on the type of person you want to meet - someone that loves you for exactly who you are. If someone is turned off, then they aren't right for you and guess what? That just saved you a lot of time you may have spent with the wrong person. Follow your heart meaning if something inside you is telling you not to open up about it on the first date, then don't and vice versa. And no matter what don't let anyone's negative reactions dictate how you feel about yourself. Love yourself unconditionally and you will attract a man that will do the same.
-
-
I actually watched a video of your short film Rosanna. It was a great film, and I cried watching it. It was almost like you had a film of what I was feeling. Especially when you were removing eyelashes, wigs and etc one by one in the mirror. Looking at myself after shower in the mirror is my least fav thing to do. It still is very overwhelming to see the huge difference of my looks with all the make up and hair wig. I still am having very much a hard time to love myself for who I really am, so after all I am realizing that I still am not ready to meet a right guy yet. Who can love and understand me truly if I can't even do that myself. You are such an awesome inspiration Rosanna.
-
-
Rosanna, Thank you very much for your comment. Everything you said is right on point. Every situation and person will be different but trusting my instincts and heart really is the only option I have. Considering how unpredictable this disease can be at times, I would expect anyone who is with me to be flexible ... so you're right in turn I must be flexible myself. Since I am unable to control my alopecia I find myself wanting to control other things in my life more.. but relationships and certainly dating is one where you just need to let go and follow the natural course. Thank you again for your advice!
-
Comment by Miss Erica on May 9, 2013 at 12:16am
-
I actually met my husband online after being a single mother. I was free of a horrible relationship and I was single-ready-to-mingle and the only thing...half my hair was missing!! I, like you, was able to hide it with different hair styles. First date was awesome, second date really refreshing and we opened up about our exes and kids...then he invited my to his apartment when things got steamy. Until that point I had my spots covered...my hair soo thin but I teased the heck outta of it! We were kissing, and i'll never forget, I said I only let serious guys touch my hair! I killed that moment, had to...he said,"Why would you say that don't you like me?" then I said, I have nothing to hold on too...I'm going bald...!!" I just felt so natural and lifted the back of my hair and showed him my spots...he was like, sooo what? Like I killed the moment for nothing!!
We're 4 years going strong, married and he excepted my daughter as his own and we have a
4 mth old and now I'm completely bald...every morning he kisses my bald head good bye when he goes to work....Long story-short...there are men out there who don't care, who can see past the bald spots or bald head...don't sell yourself short! Also, when it feels right, it probably is...you, unfortunately, may have to kiss a frogs before you find your prince, but they are out there!
Good luck xoxox!
Erica
-
Comment by Angela Nx on May 9, 2013 at 11:03am
-
I met a guy on line and eventually we met in person. I used to have a crash on him and that's how our story started. never talked about my hair till the very moment we met and things got steamy. We started kissing and he caressed my neck and hair(wig). At this point i said: don't touch it; he said: why? I said: it's not my real hair, i have a condition and kept it very simple. He stopped touching it and we went on an on..
On our first encounters I would sleep with my wig on and managed to keep my make up quite well.. then I started to care less. We were very much in love. From time to time he would ask me to feel free to go bare head till one afternoon... we were very sweet with each other and he kept looking at me smiling and i knew he was trying to imagine what i looked like.. and in one second I removed my wig (I have alopecia totalis) I will never forget his lovely lovely smile! It was just lovely.. i have no words to describe it. later he told me that it meant a lot to him... he meant that i had accepted him totally...
All the time I was hoping he would accept me, he wanted me to accept him totally in my life, as it is, in everything, hair or no hair etc..
-
-
Angela and Erica, Thank you for your comments! You definitely give me hope that there are some good guys out there that will accept me as I am!
© 2024 Created by Alopecia World.
Powered by
You need to be a member of Alopecia World to add comments!
Join Alopecia World