Alopecia World
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IT IS SETTLED...I KNOW WHAT I WANT!
I have to say these words..."I really want my hair back!" Now that I got that out I can be candid. I had to be honest with myself and I did. I said those words and I believe those words to be the desire of my heart. That is my faith...to believe that which I do not have... to possess in my future which I can not see, but I see. I know sounds crazy but isn't this whole situation crazy? I have lamented over my hair loss and it's true I stayed in that place for a while. Now, I am on the other side of it as I just want to fit in with the rest of the world. So, for a time I covered up my spots by wearing wigs and hats; stayed indoors as if I have a communicable disease. Thinking that I would get to know me better with all this private, quite, hidden time I got on my hands; when in fact, it's the world that needs to get to know me better. The world has never before seen beauty on this order and my confidence packs a one two punch!
I am in a place now where my hair grew back completely but is now falling out all over again, aggressively. And to be completely honest- those old feeling are trying to creep in again. That old behavior is knocking at my door: "Pull out the wigs you know where they are." Then I ask myself the question: "Why do I still have those wigs anyway?" Those thoughts are demons from hell I swear! This is where I realize that...I may be bald the rest of your life. Then I get mad at my hair and tell it to make up its mind. These swinging emotions and mental thoughts sound like this- "You grow back, you fall out, you grow back, you fall out! Stop teasing me! I already told you that I want you in my life! O.k. forget you, I don't need you anyway. I can cut you at anytime; please don't go!" LOL! This is me having a conversation with my hair. Sad, right? But I am being honest with myself...The good book says, the truth will set you free. I really want to be free.
While my hair is falling out it is actually growing back; I have bald spots all over my head and beautiful white curly locks filling in some of those spots. It is this hair that gives me promise that I have set my faith for as stated in the first paragraph. So, I dismiss the demons because only I can get rid of them. I don't go near a wig. I preach my sermons at church about faith, hope, troubles and the strength it takes to keep going. The people hug me and give me kisses and tell me how much I encourage them. I go to work (elementary teacher)and teach kids phonics and we play and dance with music and I read stories to them about Aesop and life lessons and their eyes light up as I animate the voice of the wolf. They never stop to stare at my head. They give me hugs as they are walking out my classroom wishing they could stay longer. I spend time with my kids talking to them about their day at school. They wanna know what's for dinner and can we go to the park together. My 6 year old son always greet me at the door with a resounding "Hi mom!" and almost knocks me over with his football hugs; which I cherish. I make love to my husband...right! and he loves me back better! LOL!!! Before he preaches he always ask me to stand up because he wants the world to see the most beautiful chick in the room who makes him complete. I love this man.
In my conclusion of the whole matter. I love my life, hair or no hair. So, I have changed my mind.(This is my prerogative) I really don't care about the hair anymore, what I really want is to enjoy my life and my family more than hair it self!
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Comment by Bald and Fabulous AKA Terri on April 6, 2012 at 9:01pm
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sooo beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes. (tears of happiness, tears of memories, tears of the future to become)
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Comment by Erin on April 7, 2012 at 1:11am
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lovely :)
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Comment by Diana Carter on April 7, 2012 at 9:47am
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Beautifully said! Thanks for being so candid...not always easy to do! I remember the day I found out my insurance company told me they would not cover any treatments for Alopecia Areata. "It's cosmetic, sorry!" We all know it is so much more than that. You have put into words so many sentiments of others. The emotional aspects. You truly ARE beautiful!
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Comment by Theresa on April 7, 2012 at 10:15am
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You guys are making me blush! Thank you. I was expressing myself because I felt those old thoughts coming back,so I asked myself, "What's really important to you Theresa?" I can not lose myself over this condition. Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me. Thank God for this outlet(Alopecia World)...it is so needful. Blessings~
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Comment by Michele on April 9, 2012 at 5:52pm
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Teresa~ You made me cry. I have been struggling also with this cruel thing called Alopecia. It has been a rough week...I'm in a sad place...almost a panic that I can't hang on to my hair. Everyday more and more falls out. I MUST remember the blessings in my life. Thanks for the reminder. :)
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Oh Michele... I know exactly how you feel though...that panicky feeling of wanting to stop it before it goes too far…holding on to what little you got left believing that the worst is over! Oh, been there-done that. Until one day, I just let it go. I wanted to separate from my hair and just deal with the baldness. But once it was all gone it started growing back…the nerve of it. Now, that it is falling out again (2nd time in one year) I had to look at what was really important. My life is moving on schedule. Although I am experiencing unwanted hiccups- through the discomfort- I am preaching more often at church, I am planning on leaving the school to go into full time ministry, the kiddos need me more now as they are moving through elementary, my husband surely needs me strong, I am working out daily at the gym relieving stress and losing weight, and I find myself writing more. I knew I was supposed to be writing something I just never knew what to write. Now I am finding my purpose in this life and it feels good. I have to be mentally strong and stable for my family…they need me. I am able to all of this through my support system…the ones that love me the most…and I need them. The more we focus on what's most important the more we will feel God's peace. I believe this is less about us as it is more about being a blessing to someone else. .. I know what you could be saying, how on earth can I give anything to anyone in my condition and I would say… give a smile, a hug, an encouraging word to someone who is going through their tough time too. This will give you meaning and reason to go on despite the hair loss. Not trying to be preachy but that is exactly what Christ did; sacrificed himself so all can be saved. Blessings to you my sister…we walk this walk together.
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Comment by Kristine on April 11, 2012 at 1:26am
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Cheers ! Moving forward. Love it and love you ! Thank you.
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Comment by Chloe Nelson on April 11, 2012 at 10:16am
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I'm with Kristine on that!! Thank you!! Life is too damn short!
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@ Kristine and Chole...you make me smile
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Comment by Cheryl, Co-founder on April 15, 2012 at 12:54am
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Theresa, This blog is really expressive, honest and heart felt. Two parts really stood out to me.
"These swinging emotions and mental thoughts sound like this- "You grow back, you fall out, you grow back, you fall out! Stop teasing me! I already told you that I want you in my life! O.k. forget you, I don't need you anyway. I can cut you at anytime; please don't go!"
I remember those feelings of getting angry enough that I wanted it just to go away and then begging it to please stay. As if my telling my hair to go or stay would make a difference. For the longest time I was afraid to even put certain thoughts in my head in fear that they would be a self-fulfilling prophecy. As if, if I accepted one it took away the other. I must admit, that it became a relief when I finally realized that I can "accept" and still desire.
The other part that really resonated with me was "I really don't care about the hair anymore, what I really want is to enjoy my life and my family more than hair it self!" Amen at that realization. I think that it really what acceptance is all about and what we really are striving for here. I really don't think it is so much the hair as it is whatever we feel me may lose by not having it. Awesome insight, I truly enjoyed reading it.
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