Alopecia World
Where acceptance is all there is!
Upset by Family's Reactions
I have been toying with the idea of shaving my head and getting this hair loss crap out of my life for quite some time now. I've always confided in my family, so naturally I told them that I am considering shaving my head. I wasn't expecting them to jump for joy, but I really wasn't expecting the reactions I got from them either.
My mom cried. At first she was crying because I lost a large clump of hair in the shower. Then I told her that I want to shave my head and she cried even more. Through her tears she was saying "I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. I wish it was me instead. You didn't deserve this. I'm so sorry." But the thing is, she knows that I've gotten a grip on the hair loss. A far better grip than she has! She told me that if I shave my head it will make my life that much harder. That I won't attract as many men since "most men like women with hair" and that I'll be strapped to a wig for the rest of my life. Yeah, unless it's vacuum, wearing a wig does sound like a bit of a pain, but what can I do? I can't stand seeing my mom still getting so upset over this. She's still grasping onto the belief that this can be stopped and reversed. She tells me that I'm not trying hard enough, even though I've been to 10 doctors, had a biposy, tried iron pills, tried birth control pills, tried Rogain, and lowered my dose of asthma medication. I think I've tried plenty! Then she said that if I shave my head at this point that she's not going to be there to watch it. She thinks I should only shave my head if I'm heading down the garden path of only having two chunks of hair left on my head. But what about mental sanity? What if I'm sick and tired of wondering how much hair I'm going to lose from one day to the next?
My grandma refuses to even believe that I have a hair loss problem. She tells me that everbody loses hair in the shower and that my hair loss is no different. But it is! My hair is less than half of what it used to be! But my grandma insists that I still have a gorgeous head of hair and if I do have hair loss, it can be fixed. When I told her I want to shave my head, she laughed. She was like "Oh come on, why would you do that? Whatever you have with be fixed and that will be that." I said to her "But what if I'm bald one day?" She dismissed the idea immediately and was like "Oh you won't be bald. Stop that." It's really frustrating because I love my grandma dearly, but she doesn't even believe that there's a problem!
And now for my step mom. True she's just my step mom and not my real mom, but she's always sticking her opinion in my face anyway even when I flat out tell her to stop. (She's done this since I was 7.) After reading a blog entry I wrote about bald women she immediately sent me this long e-mail telling me that while she "applauds my being impartial to baldness in men and women" she worries that I'm going to shave my head. Then, just like my mom, she told me that she thinks I haven't done all I can do to stop the hair loss and that there are still more roads to take. She's chalking off my desire to shave my head as an act that is very "young and impressionable" of me. Then she gives me a big lecture about how she thinks my hair loss could be from poor nutrition.
And finally, here is the reaction of the guy I like. The one I wrote about in previous entries. The one who told me I should never get leukemia. Last night I was on the phone with him and I pretty much hinted at him that I'm having bad hair loss and sort of want to shave my head. I didn't tell him flat out, but I told him that lately I've been losing my hair more than usual. He's a big jokster and pain in the ass, so I said in a playful tone of voice that I might be bald one day if it keeps up. He was like "If you go bald? Eeeeeh, I'll talk to you in a year!" By that he meant that he wouldn't want to be with me anymore if I had no hair (No, I'm not being paranoid and just reading into his reaction. That is what he meant). Then he said that if I was bald he wouldn't be able to help but just stare at the top of my head and it would be weird. I guess any attraction on his part would be over.
This sucks. I'm doing the best that I can do with my situation and I'm getting rejected on all angles from the people I care about most. I can't force a guy to be attracted to me. I know that. I guess I was just hoping that he would still be attracted to me anyway, but he's made it clear that the attraction on his part would be over and it would just be strange and uncomfortable. I really misjudged him! I thought he was more warm and caring, but I'm realizing more and more that he's not. Maybe it's for the best. I'm not too nuts about his drinking habits and the way he has no problem going on and on to me about what other women he thinks are hot. He doesn't make me feel special the way a guy should make a girl feel.
As for my family? I just wish they would accept it and support me in my decisions more than they do. I can't control my mom's timetable for healing, but it's been a year and a half already! For crying out loud, I wish she would accept it more! I try to explain to her that maybe she would feel better too if I shaved my hair off. We wouldn't have to constantly wonder how much hair I'm going to lose from one day to the next and we wouldn't have to watch it deplete over time. She said that she knows shaving my head isn't the worst thing in the world, and she'd rather me be bald than have two hairs on my head, but it's still really hard for her. I wish she wasn't still crying and so upset over this.
All my life I was used to having long, thick, wavy blonde hair that everybody loved. When I started to lose it, I was miserable and thought my life would be over. Now, all this time later, I'm seeing the beauty and excitement in being a bald woman. Shaving my head would be a huge and exhilarating step, but I feel that deep down it would bring me a sense of relief that the questioning and doctors visits would finally be over, and I wouldn't have to worry about what hair I lose anymore. I just wish the people I care most about would be a little more supportive. I didn't ask to lose my hair, but since I am, I'm trying to make the most of my situation, while preserving my sanity. I know the world might look at me differently, but I wish my family would stop acting like my hair loss is completely in my control. It isn't. If it was, I would have stopped it a long time ago.
I guess what I'm looking for is love and support, rather than tales of how much more difficult my life would be without hair.
Alexandra
My mom cried. At first she was crying because I lost a large clump of hair in the shower. Then I told her that I want to shave my head and she cried even more. Through her tears she was saying "I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. I wish it was me instead. You didn't deserve this. I'm so sorry." But the thing is, she knows that I've gotten a grip on the hair loss. A far better grip than she has! She told me that if I shave my head it will make my life that much harder. That I won't attract as many men since "most men like women with hair" and that I'll be strapped to a wig for the rest of my life. Yeah, unless it's vacuum, wearing a wig does sound like a bit of a pain, but what can I do? I can't stand seeing my mom still getting so upset over this. She's still grasping onto the belief that this can be stopped and reversed. She tells me that I'm not trying hard enough, even though I've been to 10 doctors, had a biposy, tried iron pills, tried birth control pills, tried Rogain, and lowered my dose of asthma medication. I think I've tried plenty! Then she said that if I shave my head at this point that she's not going to be there to watch it. She thinks I should only shave my head if I'm heading down the garden path of only having two chunks of hair left on my head. But what about mental sanity? What if I'm sick and tired of wondering how much hair I'm going to lose from one day to the next?
My grandma refuses to even believe that I have a hair loss problem. She tells me that everbody loses hair in the shower and that my hair loss is no different. But it is! My hair is less than half of what it used to be! But my grandma insists that I still have a gorgeous head of hair and if I do have hair loss, it can be fixed. When I told her I want to shave my head, she laughed. She was like "Oh come on, why would you do that? Whatever you have with be fixed and that will be that." I said to her "But what if I'm bald one day?" She dismissed the idea immediately and was like "Oh you won't be bald. Stop that." It's really frustrating because I love my grandma dearly, but she doesn't even believe that there's a problem!
And now for my step mom. True she's just my step mom and not my real mom, but she's always sticking her opinion in my face anyway even when I flat out tell her to stop. (She's done this since I was 7.) After reading a blog entry I wrote about bald women she immediately sent me this long e-mail telling me that while she "applauds my being impartial to baldness in men and women" she worries that I'm going to shave my head. Then, just like my mom, she told me that she thinks I haven't done all I can do to stop the hair loss and that there are still more roads to take. She's chalking off my desire to shave my head as an act that is very "young and impressionable" of me. Then she gives me a big lecture about how she thinks my hair loss could be from poor nutrition.
And finally, here is the reaction of the guy I like. The one I wrote about in previous entries. The one who told me I should never get leukemia. Last night I was on the phone with him and I pretty much hinted at him that I'm having bad hair loss and sort of want to shave my head. I didn't tell him flat out, but I told him that lately I've been losing my hair more than usual. He's a big jokster and pain in the ass, so I said in a playful tone of voice that I might be bald one day if it keeps up. He was like "If you go bald? Eeeeeh, I'll talk to you in a year!" By that he meant that he wouldn't want to be with me anymore if I had no hair (No, I'm not being paranoid and just reading into his reaction. That is what he meant). Then he said that if I was bald he wouldn't be able to help but just stare at the top of my head and it would be weird. I guess any attraction on his part would be over.
This sucks. I'm doing the best that I can do with my situation and I'm getting rejected on all angles from the people I care about most. I can't force a guy to be attracted to me. I know that. I guess I was just hoping that he would still be attracted to me anyway, but he's made it clear that the attraction on his part would be over and it would just be strange and uncomfortable. I really misjudged him! I thought he was more warm and caring, but I'm realizing more and more that he's not. Maybe it's for the best. I'm not too nuts about his drinking habits and the way he has no problem going on and on to me about what other women he thinks are hot. He doesn't make me feel special the way a guy should make a girl feel.
As for my family? I just wish they would accept it and support me in my decisions more than they do. I can't control my mom's timetable for healing, but it's been a year and a half already! For crying out loud, I wish she would accept it more! I try to explain to her that maybe she would feel better too if I shaved my hair off. We wouldn't have to constantly wonder how much hair I'm going to lose from one day to the next and we wouldn't have to watch it deplete over time. She said that she knows shaving my head isn't the worst thing in the world, and she'd rather me be bald than have two hairs on my head, but it's still really hard for her. I wish she wasn't still crying and so upset over this.
All my life I was used to having long, thick, wavy blonde hair that everybody loved. When I started to lose it, I was miserable and thought my life would be over. Now, all this time later, I'm seeing the beauty and excitement in being a bald woman. Shaving my head would be a huge and exhilarating step, but I feel that deep down it would bring me a sense of relief that the questioning and doctors visits would finally be over, and I wouldn't have to worry about what hair I lose anymore. I just wish the people I care most about would be a little more supportive. I didn't ask to lose my hair, but since I am, I'm trying to make the most of my situation, while preserving my sanity. I know the world might look at me differently, but I wish my family would stop acting like my hair loss is completely in my control. It isn't. If it was, I would have stopped it a long time ago.
I guess what I'm looking for is love and support, rather than tales of how much more difficult my life would be without hair.
Alexandra
Comment
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Comment by alyssa on August 21, 2009 at 10:44pm
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i only had hair on the sides of my head, but i had no hair at all in the middle. i was debating on shaving it, i thought i was a great idea. i told my mom and dad and they were upset about it. they didn't know what to say. so i went and told me boyfriend and totally flipped, on how i cant do that, i'll look like a boy, saying all this stuff. i got so upset. well about two weeks ago i went to the alopecia-palooza with CAP and i met others that were in the same position as me, that i wanted to do it and everyone else around me didn't. well since the alopecia-palooza was in a hotel, we went to the front desk, asked them for scissors, shaving cream and shavers (which they give for free in every hotel) went to the bathroom and shaved it. we were all so relieved to do it, because we was all shaved together- confidence in numbers. i think that that was one of the best experiences of my life.
i know just how you feel.
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Comment by Laurie on January 10, 2009 at 3:12pm
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Alexandra, I am going through exactly the same thing as you. I have not been diagnosed with AGA but with chronic telogen effluvium. My family is 'clinging' to the fact that it's telogen effluvium and it should reverse. However, for me, it's been going on for a year and I'm done. Like you, I want to be done with this. I also think at this point bald would be better than shedding. But I still find myself using Dermmatch every day and hoping for the loss to stop. I'm thinking of stopping the Dermmatch so people will start to see my scalp. Maybe then they'll understand (haha!). Really though, I think our families will come around. We have to give them a break because they have never dealt with hairloss before.
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Comment by Cindy on January 9, 2009 at 12:17pm
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Hi Alexandra, I am a mom to a 7 yr old girl living with alopeica for the last year and half. As a parent it is very hard to watch your child lose their hair and have no control over it or tools to make it stop and grow back. Yes, I have a lot of tears and I try to keep them to my own time, but my daughter has caught me. Your mom if she feels like i do at times, almost feels like it is her hair too. Sometimes I feel like I am the one loosing my hair or I am at fault for Sam's hair loss. Alot of emotions flutter within me at different times and stages. But, the one thing is that no matter what my daughter has mine and her families unconditional love. I think by shaving your head your mom has to reach a new level of acceptance that she is not ready to handle. You are a part of her no matter what and she feels your loss and is trying to hang on to what is still there. I think that you as an adult need to do what is best for you. You are the one that lives with the decisions that you make. I am sure you are beautiful with or without hair and if you are comfortable shaving your head and going naked or decide to wear a wig then it is your right and choice and there will be plenty of people to support you and that love you. Now as for you boyfriend. I would dump his butt. It does not sound like he supports you and he is looking at the outer beauty vs the inner beauty. You should be surrounded by a guy and friends who will accept you they way you are. If he can't love and accept you unconditionally now then I don't see how you can have a future with him. He does not sound like an asset to you life and supportive of your emotional needs. This is not easy for you to do either and you should share your life and this journey people who can give you the unconditional love and support you deserve. Your mom and grandma will come around. Just give them some time to take it all in. Best of luck! Cindy
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Comment by as on January 9, 2009 at 11:53am
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Hallo Alexandra
Your family you certainly will love also bald.They only they need more time it understand.
When the I was young, my young lady me said. Cut hair on 1 centimetre long .It was for me shock.Answered am.When the it do.Part company with you.It happened also.Already second day am but that regretted.Behind 14 days am begged about forgiveness.Had glad her. No her hair.Today already 36 ys we're married couple.Excuse please mine bad English.Perhaps me a little do you understand.I wish you no matter what it near you also well will go against.as
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Comment by Mary on January 9, 2009 at 10:36am
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I know how you feel. The few times I have discussed my hairloss with family, friends or coworkers. They say oh no you have such thick, curly hair. It is really weird because what I see in the mirror and feel in my hand is thin poofy hair all around and a huge obvious comb over in front. Just this morning I got into a conversation about medical issues with a co-worker, very nice lady. We were sharing, something I very rarely do. I told her about my hairloss and I got the standard response. I guess I just snapped right there I lifted my hair and she saw my baldness. I loved the look on her face. My family has been the same way. Do I literally have to show everyone what I am going through? I think not. I have decided not to talk about it at all. I think people walk around all the time with things that bother them. Some are serious and some are trivial. When you tell people your problems you open yourself up to their opinions that can be harmful to you. The only person who really knows what I am going through is my husband. He sees me before I go through my hair magic in the morning and he really does not care and believe me I know I have pushed him enough about it. I am really very grateful to have him. It is our 22nd anniversary this month!!! Yeah!
Alexandra I feel you will evenually have the people around you accept that this is a reality in your life it just may take some time. In my case I think my family sees how upset I am even though I try to be upbeat about it and they feel really bad because there is nothing they can do.
Keep the faith!!
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Comment by Moni on January 9, 2009 at 2:18am
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Hello. I can tell you from a mother's point, it was so hard for me to shave off my lil girls little "bunch" of hair. About 95% was gone, but I had to pray about it because I thought she was going to get pissed. Plus I was scared of my baby being REALLY bald, not like she wasn't already, huh? But anyways, I asked her if it was o'kay w/her if I did and she said "yeah". Immediately after, her dad and I felt a huge relief. Perhaps you are the leader amongst these woman. Don't let them stop you from doing what you feel strongly about.
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Comment by Tamika Joseph on January 8, 2009 at 11:43pm
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Your family will still love you no matter what you do. Give them time to get use to the ideal or see you without the hair.
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Comment by Dominique on January 8, 2009 at 7:27pm
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Hi Alexandra,
I think all the advice others have given you above in regards to family supporting you is right. It sucks in a way, but perhaps they need an example from you of what strength is - and from the sounds of things - they're going to get one. Go you!
In regards to men, if this guy isn't treating you right at the moment, when you're apparently as attractive as he can imagine you being, how's he going to react throughout a period of great change and stress (for him - not having the experience to cope evidently). I agree he shouldn't be pegged a jerk right from the word go - but already it seems his insecure, and testing your attachment to him through jealousy.
All I will say is don't despair about being a bald woman and not finding men. There are plenty out there. Being bald my entire life, in the 8 years or so I've been dating (since I was about 15) - I have never been at a true loss for admirers, and when I have - my friends are still there.
Having no hair is not an immediate turn off for many men - and I think for alot of those that truly value people for who they are - it speaks on a deeper not of true self esteem and confidence, which is far more attractive than a full head of blonde wavy locks could ever be. Men are for more accepting and far less judgmental than their sex is given credit for (we women are far more criticising of ourselves).
So do what's best for you, protect yourself from those who may harm, and set an example for those who can't find the strength in themselves to look beyond their own interests.
Good luck,
*hugs*
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Comment by Ashley on January 8, 2009 at 4:07pm
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Alexandra, my heart goes out to you. I do understand what you are going through to a certain degree with the family drama. I think some of my family members had a harder time dealing with my alopecia than I did, and it sounds like yours are too, I just thought it was selfish of my family to act the way they did. My family finally got over the emotionally roller coaster, and as I find out now what they did then, it disgusts me and I am somewhat thankful yet disappointed my family wasn't so vocal about it like yours is. It is purely disgusting to see the close-mindedness of people, how some people will let hair change things. It disgusts me to see it in your family, and it did in mine, and I can only say that they will come around.
You have to stay strong, you have to do what is best for you, because ultimately, if you are ok with your decision to shave, what the hell else matters? I think if your family saw you feeling more at ease about your hair loss situation they would react better about it, and honestly for me shaving was the key. In my personal experience with alopecia, waiting for the hair to fall out was the hardest part, and once I was finally bald, there was a huge relief. I'm not trying to tell you "run out and shave right now", but you should definitely weigh your options, because for me, it was the best choice ever, and I was able to get over my hair loss.
Today I have decided that I am going to be publicly bald and people can like it, or not, frankly I don't give a damn =). Your guy sounds like a jerk, no offense to you. If he treats you poorly, and can't love you, for you, then you deserve so much better. I mean honestly, what is hair or no hair going to change?? I still don't understand other's mentality...it took some time for me to realize, but hair or no hair, what does it matter?? Think about this deeply for a minute. I think your mothers are just thinking about what they think is best and mean well although it comes across so harshly. They have lived in the world for a while, and they know that those who don't fit the typical norm may face rejection, or different treatment, and are afraid of this for you by you breaking the norm if you go bald. They know that there will be boys who won't want to date you because you have no hair, but as a little saying I recite goes "I'm lucky to be bald, by being bald, I automatically weed out the jerks, because only the good guys, who can love me for who I am will go ahead and date me after I'm bald". Alexandra, you sound strong, and stay that way. You have a support system here for you all the time. I personally will be here if you ever want/need to talk about anything, as will many other bald men/women on this site. The bald experience is one like no other, and I enjoy it every day.
Bald is Beautiful!! =)
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Comment by Linda on January 8, 2009 at 4:06pm
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Hi Alexandra, I'm sorry about how your family feels, all I can say is...Wow! I'm sure, since they have not experienced the stress and other emotions caused by Alopecia, that they can not begin to understand what you are going through. When I chose to shave my head last year in July, it liberated me, no longer was I trapped or held captive to a wig, weave or other head covers. I don't know why I waited so long, I've had Alopecia for over 40 years and I feel blessed, it could be worse, I could have a fatal disease. Anyway, do what makes you feel good inside and out and your confidence in who you are will shine like the sun!
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