I have been toying with the idea of shaving my head and getting this hair loss crap out of my life for quite some time now. I've always confided in my family, so naturally I told them that I am considering shaving my head. I wasn't expecting them to jump for joy, but I really wasn't expecting the reactions I got from them either.

My mom cried. At first she was crying because I lost a large clump of hair in the shower. Then I told her that I want to shave my head and she cried even more. Through her tears she was saying "I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. I wish it was me instead. You didn't deserve this. I'm so sorry." But the thing is, she knows that I've gotten a grip on the hair loss. A far better grip than she has! She told me that if I shave my head it will make my life that much harder. That I won't attract as many men since "most men like women with hair" and that I'll be strapped to a wig for the rest of my life. Yeah, unless it's vacuum, wearing a wig does sound like a bit of a pain, but what can I do? I can't stand seeing my mom still getting so upset over this. She's still grasping onto the belief that this can be stopped and reversed. She tells me that I'm not trying hard enough, even though I've been to 10 doctors, had a biposy, tried iron pills, tried birth control pills, tried Rogain, and lowered my dose of asthma medication. I think I've tried plenty! Then she said that if I shave my head at this point that she's not going to be there to watch it. She thinks I should only shave my head if I'm heading down the garden path of only having two chunks of hair left on my head. But what about mental sanity? What if I'm sick and tired of wondering how much hair I'm going to lose from one day to the next?

My grandma refuses to even believe that I have a hair loss problem. She tells me that everbody loses hair in the shower and that my hair loss is no different. But it is! My hair is less than half of what it used to be! But my grandma insists that I still have a gorgeous head of hair and if I do have hair loss, it can be fixed. When I told her I want to shave my head, she laughed. She was like "Oh come on, why would you do that? Whatever you have with be fixed and that will be that." I said to her "But what if I'm bald one day?" She dismissed the idea immediately and was like "Oh you won't be bald. Stop that." It's really frustrating because I love my grandma dearly, but she doesn't even believe that there's a problem!

And now for my step mom. True she's just my step mom and not my real mom, but she's always sticking her opinion in my face anyway even when I flat out tell her to stop. (She's done this since I was 7.) After reading a blog entry I wrote about bald women she immediately sent me this long e-mail telling me that while she "applauds my being impartial to baldness in men and women" she worries that I'm going to shave my head. Then, just like my mom, she told me that she thinks I haven't done all I can do to stop the hair loss and that there are still more roads to take. She's chalking off my desire to shave my head as an act that is very "young and impressionable" of me. Then she gives me a big lecture about how she thinks my hair loss could be from poor nutrition.

And finally, here is the reaction of the guy I like. The one I wrote about in previous entries. The one who told me I should never get leukemia. Last night I was on the phone with him and I pretty much hinted at him that I'm having bad hair loss and sort of want to shave my head. I didn't tell him flat out, but I told him that lately I've been losing my hair more than usual. He's a big jokster and pain in the ass, so I said in a playful tone of voice that I might be bald one day if it keeps up. He was like "If you go bald? Eeeeeh, I'll talk to you in a year!" By that he meant that he wouldn't want to be with me anymore if I had no hair (No, I'm not being paranoid and just reading into his reaction. That is what he meant). Then he said that if I was bald he wouldn't be able to help but just stare at the top of my head and it would be weird. I guess any attraction on his part would be over.

This sucks. I'm doing the best that I can do with my situation and I'm getting rejected on all angles from the people I care about most. I can't force a guy to be attracted to me. I know that. I guess I was just hoping that he would still be attracted to me anyway, but he's made it clear that the attraction on his part would be over and it would just be strange and uncomfortable. I really misjudged him! I thought he was more warm and caring, but I'm realizing more and more that he's not. Maybe it's for the best. I'm not too nuts about his drinking habits and the way he has no problem going on and on to me about what other women he thinks are hot. He doesn't make me feel special the way a guy should make a girl feel.

As for my family? I just wish they would accept it and support me in my decisions more than they do. I can't control my mom's timetable for healing, but it's been a year and a half already! For crying out loud, I wish she would accept it more! I try to explain to her that maybe she would feel better too if I shaved my hair off. We wouldn't have to constantly wonder how much hair I'm going to lose from one day to the next and we wouldn't have to watch it deplete over time. She said that she knows shaving my head isn't the worst thing in the world, and she'd rather me be bald than have two hairs on my head, but it's still really hard for her. I wish she wasn't still crying and so upset over this.

All my life I was used to having long, thick, wavy blonde hair that everybody loved. When I started to lose it, I was miserable and thought my life would be over. Now, all this time later, I'm seeing the beauty and excitement in being a bald woman. Shaving my head would be a huge and exhilarating step, but I feel that deep down it would bring me a sense of relief that the questioning and doctors visits would finally be over, and I wouldn't have to worry about what hair I lose anymore. I just wish the people I care most about would be a little more supportive. I didn't ask to lose my hair, but since I am, I'm trying to make the most of my situation, while preserving my sanity. I know the world might look at me differently, but I wish my family would stop acting like my hair loss is completely in my control. It isn't. If it was, I would have stopped it a long time ago.

I guess what I'm looking for is love and support, rather than tales of how much more difficult my life would be without hair.

Alexandra