I am still sad, stressed and depressed!
I am still confused, tired and hurt!

Sad, because I want to just hide under the covers of my sheets and sleep until my hair grows back!
And now reality has just struck… it may never grow back
I feel I can't go through another day like this…

Stressed because I have been trying to avoid going back to work,
I really do think it was the job and boss I had back in October
I blame him for all this has happening to me! :(
I say this after hearing remarks from a guy
Who worked next to me in the same office for many months

I couldn't handle all the stress and pressure from the damn guy!
I know he meant well, but WTF!
Give me a break; I tried my best to save our department!
More than my supervisor ever did; before I was hired!
I made more progress in less than a month than he did in what... a couple years!
I moved our Community ahead in the right direction FINALLY and then…!!
And then they friggen laid me off!

Depressed because I feel like I am going through this all by myself :(

My parents and siblings live in Prince Rupert;
I wish I could be with them. I need them so much right now!
But come to think of it… after talking to them on the phone,
I think they need me more than I need them...

My husband is trying to understand,
Be supportive, but… BUT! I feel so UGLY! Ashamed!
I can't, won’t, don't want to... let him never me! Touch me…

Don’t get me wrong…
It does feel good when he hugs me,
So warm, cuddly and nice;
I wish he'd never let go :(

Then his hand would get close to my head,
He’d look at me so fast and move his hand :(
I get up, give him a kiss on the cheek and say...
I love you!
Then I go hide in the bathroom to cry... quietly!
I start to run a hot… hot bath, so hot that my skin would be so red!

The pain does not compare to pain I feel in my chest :(
I can't breathe; I try to take a deep breath! I can't...

The headache, oh the headaches... please make it go away! Pills don't help anymore...
Will I ever run out of tears? Would I be able to hold my head up high ever again?

There’s a knock on the door… Mom are you okay?
Umm… yes I try to say so bravely, I am okay, I am almost done!

Almost done… I hate lying!
I don’t think I am making any progress trying to feel better…

I wake up in the morning dreading to show up to work,
My new supervisor moved me to a different desk in the office…

I want to go back and hide in the corner, where no one can see me
Time goes by so slowly… drags on and on!
I can actually hear the clock ticking through all the loud talking, laughing and whispers…

Someone comes to actually see me, only because they need to, have to…
For they have to report to me, when they need something fixed in their house,
(I ask myself, how I can help someone… when I can’t even help myself!?)

They talk to me while looking at the ground or up at the ceiling,
Trying to avoid this awkward situation… awkward for whom? Not me!

Not for me… so I thought! I feel my face go red; I ask if it’s getting hot in here…
I just want to go home and never go back… I think everyday!

It is finally quitting time, I feel a little smile and sense for relief,
I thank the lord for getting me through another day…

I walk into my house; my baby hollers “Momma!”
And he runs to me with his arms wide open.
I pick him up; he lifts up his tiny arms and takes off my hat and bandana…

What a relief, my head can breathe, I let out a deep sigh…
I hug my son; give him a kiss on the cheek… I love you baby!

Confused… about all this! I lost my hair in less than a week or so.
I went to see the Nurse in my Community.
I showed him the little pile of hair… he says
Come back on Monday, I show up with a large zip lock bag of hair!
He’s mouth dropped in shock, picks up the phone right away…
I am going to send you in to see your doctor right away,
There are no appointments available until the end of the week,
He then calls the emergency in Prince Rupert,
She is going to have to wait, this is not an emergency

Before I left the office, the nurse looked at me…
I’ll never forget the look on his face,
“I hope and pray you don’t go bald before the end of the week!”

And I did…

The time comes for me to go in to see my doctor, what a shame he says…
How are you doing?
I struggle to say...
I am sad, stressed and depressed!
I am confused, tired and hurt!

You’d never guess what his next question was…
Why? He asks me why, (can you believe that.!)

I showed him the bag of hair, and all he says is Oh!
That’s such a shame, and then he goes on trying to guess what’s going on with me,
Starts filling out forms for me to have blood work done…
Negative he says… all your blood work is negative, looking at me confused!

You are going to have to go and see a specialist…
Then I start worrying, feeling so scared and more confused.

I go to the mall with my husband, dad & sisters.
We order nachos and pop, I sit beside my dad…
We were having a wonderful conversation, I can’t remember what about…

I lean over, put my head on my dads shoulder… and cry like a baby
My sisters look over, start crying too.

My dad hugs me; my husband looks at me…
He finally sees how close my family and I are,
We all hold hands over the table and start to pray…
Trying to fight back the tears and screams I want so badly to let out!
I pray to God for strength, comfort and courage… to be brave
To get through all this, with out so much heartache and pain,

The pain I bare deep down in my heart, will always remain there;
I do not dare let anyone else see how I feel…
Only you…
Yes you, who took the time to read my story of my… my…
What is it? What is all this? What do I call it?

I have many other profiles on different sites,
Share a lot with family and friends, stories, photos… luv
I tried inviting a few of them to this site,
So they too can get a better understanding what I am going through
None of them are on my friends list… how about that,

That is why I am sit here practically everyday,
Feeling sad, depressed, so alone and hurt…

I have been trying to come to terms with this,
Trying deep down in my heart to stay strong;
And find the courage and be brave to come out of my cell!

Yup! My cell…
Alopecia has me locked up,
Locked up in my house,
in my mind and in my heart…

I don’t know where to look,
Don’t know where to start…

To find the key, to unlock
All this pain…
I need to release it…
Oh how I need to release all this
Heartache, fear and everything…

Just everything…
Feels like, I don’t know…
What to feel next,

I don’t know what tomorrow will be like,
I pray for a good day…

You know I rarely pray for myself…
I feel bad when I do,

I tell my children when they have bad days
There are other people in the world that
Are worse off than us…

While I sit here at the computer,
I think about deleting all that I have written for all to see…

I apologize to God; please forgive me for being so selfish
Then I start to say a prayer that
my dearest Grandmother always shared with me
I pray for those who are really sick,
Suffering, struggling to get well,
For those who are hungry,
For those who have no place to call home;

Then I whisper, while holding this bottle of lotion that my Uncle had given me,

My Dear Lord; I know it is just hair…
But I really want it, need it back,
Please Dear Lord;
Have mercy on all those who suffer from this condition;
Help all those who are trying to find out why???? And find a cure…

That is all I pray today, until tomorrow Dear Lord;
For tomorrow is another day…
Thank you Lord, for your blessings on me Amen

While sitting there with my dad and family,
I look up, trying to blink my tears away...

I notice one of my Uncle's in the next booth,
Looking like he wants to ask...

We have never been close to each other; ever...
Then one day he stops me in the mall,
"How are you?"
"I am okay, I will be okay!" Another lie...

He tells me to go to this Chinese shop,
They have something to help hair grow back,
I wasn't to sure what he was talking about...

I said "Okay, I will check it out..." Another lie...
3 times I have bumped into him, on different occasions
He asks, "Did you check it out yet?"
"I don't have time too," not enough time in town to go,"

He says, "Come with me, I'll show you!"
He picks up this bottle, Herbal Glo
Maximizes the potential for new hair growth
Advanced thinning Hair Formula...

He puts it on the counter, and pays for it for me!
I was in shock, still am!
I reach my arms to give him a warm embrace, a hug
To show my thanks, after our little, short bonding moment
He quickly says, "I have to go and see your Aunt, she is waiting for me"

I have been using every since,
I say a little prayer before using it,
Thanking the Lord for an Uncle who loves me so much

My hair is growing...
Everyday, I can see more and more growing out,
It started coming out white,
Yesterday morning, I look in the mirror
"Come here, and look!" I practically holler!

My hair is changing to its natural colour,

The day after I use the Herbal Glo...
I wash my hair with my baby's shampoo, Johnson & Johnson

I try not to get my hopes up,
Try not to be so excited,

I don't think I can bare anymore heartache or pain,

I am staying positive though,

I am going on a trip, going to be gone for a week,

I hate being away so long, can't stand being away from my children that long,
All the worrying is not good for me,
A mother has to do what she has to do,
I love my children so dearly,
My new job requires a lot of travelling,
So I have just learned...

Sacrifices... are so hard to over come,
More stress, which I don't need,
All in due time, my children will understand (I hope...)

I leave tomorrow, another day to over come more stress...
Another day to face the world head on...
Hopeful I can hold my head up....
Show the world what I am all about...
Who I really am...

I wish I could say I am the same person I was before October,

But I am not...
I don't know who I am; I have lost all barring in life...
I thought I had everything under control,

Hold on tight to what you have in your life...
Hold on for dear life...
So you don't lose it...

Like I have...

The key... where is the key?
Does anyone know?

If you knew me, you would know...

I am afraid of the dark,
Afraid of being in small places....
Afraid of heights... so I can't stand on a bridge

Afraid of dying... so I fight to stay strong,
Fight to be brave...
Fight to gain courage...
Fight to open up my heart, once again...

But how? How can I go back to pick up all the broken pieces
The doctor shattered it...
My heart lying in his office, in a million pieces...
Do I dare try, pick it up...
Dust it off, start putting all the pieces back together...

Where do I begin? Little did I know...?
I have started right here in Alopecia World...

Thank you to the people, who have created this site,
Job well done, it is greatly appreciated...
More than you will ever know,

From my heart to yours, together we shall find the key....