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When to tell a love interest that you have alopecia
When should you tell a person that you're dating, married to, or interested in that you have alopecia? Or, to pose the question quite differently, do such people have a right to know about your condition and, if so, when should you tell them? If for some reason you don't think it's their business, let's also discuss this perspective.
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Alopecia World: You may also want to check out this discussion on the topic.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Nathan Paul Prince on
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I always advise people to be very open and frank about having alopecia whenever meeting someone new... there's always a way to work it into the conversation, whether it be casually dropping the bomb, or making a funny about it. Sometimes just an allusion to the fact of hair loss at some point in the conversation is enough for some people to launch a short in depth conversation, or a light hearted mention works enough and then move the conversation on.
Usually the dating part is when someone SHOULD know we have no hair for a reason, otherwise we're just setting ourselves up for a crash. I personally know alopecians from years ago who would not tell anyone about their hair loss and yet wonder why they were left after a few months of dating when the other partner "found out by accident"... in any relationship, if we're hiding something, we have no reason to be with someone as a life partner - we're harbouring secrests and that is not a basis for any relationship with anyone.... sounds harsh, but I am who I am - I'm direct, open and frank. Well, actually, I'm Nathan heh heh... I tell it like it is and just hope it's accepted.
Happy Bunny day everyone!!!
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Permalink Reply by Julie on
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With my husband I told after maybe 3 or 4 dates. We worked together, a few people at work knew I wore wigs but no one asked me why. He was told I had cancer, had an undiagnosed disease, and one person told him I had brain surgery!!! He asked me out anyway, and never brought it up. I told him after we had developed some real interest and thought we'd be dating exclusivley. He had two daughters and said he wanted me to meet his daughters and I told him I needed to tell him something. He just smiled and said he already knew about the wig but was relieved I wasn't dying! After we became more intimate I showed him what I looked like with no wig. He loves me as I am and has been the MOST supportive person ever. He's even a little too protective. He doesn't want me to go out without my wig because he says I get too upset when I feel people are laughing at me already and he hates to see me upset. But he still is here and has gained alot of knowledge on the subject. The right guy will love you anyway. Those are the keepers.
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Permalink Reply by claire taylor on
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Ive always been upfront with most men ive only had 3 proper relatinonships the first i told after dating for bout 4-6 weeks he was fine and relieved because he thought that i wasnt interested in him because i would pull away if he tried to touch my head
The second i told the first time we went out he was fine with it and it never really was talked about between us we lived together for 3 years and broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with my alopecia.
The guy who i am marrying in 7 weeks knew anyway cause he was afriend of a friend is great he loves to come wig shopping with me and occasionally puts them on when we have friends round its his party piece ha ha, i have yet to come across a guy who has been put off me because im bald i must be a good judge of charator
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Permalink Reply by Shemika on
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Well that's just absolutely fantastic to see how mature these guys are about it. I tell you you are very lucky because a lot of women on here say that they have even lost friends due to their alopecia so boyfriends to most of them are out of the question as far as exposing their condition. I'm happy for you:)
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Permalink Reply by kimberly dean on
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That is so true the comment about you being a good judge of character. I am going to try and make sure that while 'dating' I try and develop this sense.
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That's right. The right guy will love you anyway. The other guys are just not that mature and are pretty much ignorant to the condition and are probably not used to having to deal with anything out of the 'norm'. So its understandable, but not acceptable for someone you want to be able to share your life with. You need someone you can be yourself around, and if yourself is without hair, then that's what he's gonna have to accept. Good on you that your husband is a great guy!
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Permalink Reply by Dominique on
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I have been completely bald since a very young age, and the only effort I made to try and hide it was wearing a beanie for 2 whole years of my life when I was a teenager - within these two years however - I met and dated my first boyfriend - it was a great boost for my esteem and for my feeling of femininity and helped me make the decision to stop wearing the beanie.
Since then I have not had alot of trouble finding partners who accepted me for who I am- I mean - they have to from the beginning I suppose, and when they do get to know me better - they are often surprised I'm not as self confident as they presume I am.
I recently bought my first wig however, and this thread has been of great interest for that reason. I agree with the majority that upfront and soon is a good idea. Hiding things from someone you feel could be important in your life can't be the greatest way to promote that feeling.
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Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on
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Hi Everyone,
I've (hopefully) attached a little thing I wrote called the "Third Date Rule". Hope you find it helpful!
Debbi
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Permalink Reply by Allison on
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Hi Debbi!
I recently developed AU 3 months ago after 28 years of having AA. I never thought it would progress to the AU stage, never. At any rate, I had sworn off dating until now. I met this guy a few days ago and he discovered that I was wearing a wig on our first meeting but said he didn't mind. I was so embarrassed. Little does he know, I wear a wig because I have AU. We went on our second date and I was going to tell him but could not find the words. I never had to tell a guy of my condition because I had such full thick hair that it was easy to cover the patches. After reading your article regarding the Third Date Rule, I think I'm going to tell him. It's really better to get it out of the way early to save myself from a broken heart later. I'm surprised that he didn't notice the fact that I have no eyelashes, or did he? It should also be obvious that I draw my brows on too. I feel like such a fraud and I'm scared of the reaction that I may get. If he decides not to see me again, then he was not the one for me but my feelings will still be hurt. Thank you so much for your article as I came on this site tonight searching for advice. If you're interested, I'll let you know the outcome, good or bad. : )
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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Hi Allison, I am interested in knowing how everything turns out. I understand the fear but it is something that needs to be addressed. Not all men are going to be accepting and the best way I can put it is that it is the measure of YOUR man. The requirements that you need in the man that will allow in your life. Some people may think that we have to settle, I see it very differently. If you are choosing a man based on his character and ability to navigate through the ups and downs of life, I actually believe that we are receiving a higher quality man.
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Hi Cheryl,
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and support. You said it perfectly and I appreciate it. : ) I will keep you posted, for sure!
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Hi Cheryl,
Well, today was the day. I waited until the third date to share my condition. I was real nervous and the words didn't come out as I had rehearsed. I stuttered and rambled on and on before actually getting to the fact that I have Alopecia. I gave him an entire history of my condition since age 12. I told him that I have AU and that all my body hair is gone. Actually, that last sentence took about 20 mins to say. lol He responded, "you're not supposed to have body hair." Then, I went into detail i.e. no brows, lashes, hair on my head, legs or arms. Then I concluded with, "if you don't wish to see me anymore, I will understand." He looked at me as if I had three heads! He said he didn't care and he didn't notice until I pointed it out. He said it didn't matter and that he still wanted to continue dating. He had more questions about my wig than my condition! I'm still not convinced that he wants to continue dating. I'm so consumed by my condition and it seems that I am the only one bothered by it. He has accepted it but I can't. I do feel relieved that I told him but I'm worried that my insecurities might push him away. He is such a nice guy but perhaps I’m not ready to date. Any advice?
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