Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by N on December 28, 2011 at 5:27am

Hi Jennah,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this situation. I know how hard it is and I am sure it must be very difficult for you at the moment. I remember that any formal or semi-formal party was a big freak for me too!

I would like you not generalizing about what your mother had told you about wearing a wig. No one knows you better than you. So, if you feel more comfortable wearing one, then do so and if you are happy and comfortable the way you are, then don't wear one. I hope you understand that there is no "correct" way. You live the way you think it feels right at any moment. You may react totally different in a different time frame or place.

I remember my mom was trying to hide my alopecia from the girl she liked me to date with any possible way! I used to wear a winter hat in university when first the alopecia started. Just to cover ALL my scalp. I was too afraid to be looked at, especially from back. Over time, that changed to baseball hat for so many years. I couldn't be anywhere without a hat. But know, I recently shave my head and don't mind going out. I just want to say, I have been acting differently, but that is what was imposed to me to reduce my stress and anxiety.

Please, be kind to yourself. You are going through a tough time and I truly acknowledge the suffer. Keep going! You are doing great!

Hope you feel happy soon

Yours

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Permalink Reply by Jennah on December 30, 2011 at 6:03pm

Thank you so much for the support, it is quite difficult to get used to having this condition and it really helps to hear other peoples stories and views, so thanks. I am sure I will get through it with a little help from everyone here :)

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Permalink Reply by Jennah on December 30, 2011 at 6:04pm

Thanks Rose.

I go Erica by Amore I actually wore it out for the first time last night and got some positive comments from friends, which was nice :).

( hadn;t thought about birth control to help my skin, thanks I may try that as was thinking of going back on the pill anyways :)

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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on December 28, 2011 at 8:55am

See if Domeboro will help your face, and get a wig stylist to trim your wig to fit your face. Wigs always come with extra hair, and a pro needs to thin it, shape it or cut bangs. It is your head, not your mother's. Ignor her rude comments. I don't see why she would be so unkind to her own daughter on Christmas. I'm sure you will feel much better in public with a styled wig!

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Permalink Reply by Jennah on December 30, 2011 at 6:05pm

Thanks Tallgirl. What is Domeboro? I am not sure if we have that in New Zealand

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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on December 31, 2011 at 12:24am

Read what's in it online, then ask your pharmacist for something similar. It is some tablets that are dissolved in water, then you soak a washcloth in that water and press the compresses onto your face. I had winter dermatitis once, and this stuff worked amazingly well! It's an astringent, and may work for you...but ask your dermatologist first.

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Permalink Reply by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on December 28, 2011 at 4:25pm

Your Mum may have made the looking silly remark because she does not think you need a wig - it took my mom awhile to accept that I found my hair loss unacceptable looking and that I wanted a wig and was going to wear a wig. She simply thought my hair 'looked fine'. Granted when I first started wearing a wig I had a lot more hair than I do now so it was probably much more noticeable to me than to anyone else. Do what makes YOU happy. It does sound like you are pretty depressed - especially if all of this has impacted your ability to work - perhaps talking to a therapist might help? They may be able to help you with dealing with the stress of it all if nothing else. xxx

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Permalink Reply by Jennah on December 30, 2011 at 6:09pm

I have started seeing a therapist which is really helping I think. I have my emotional days (like the other day) where it all gets too much but I am sure I will make it through. It certainly helps having people such as yourself who are going through the same types of issues to talk with, so thanks :) I really appreciate your comment regarding my mum, I think you are correct in the point that you made as she has stated to me that she thinks I don't need it, however I know it is getting worse and how thin it is (she admits that it is thin however believes I don't need a wig) but for me I do feel I need something to make me feel a little more comfortable in public :)

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Permalink Reply by Lili on December 28, 2011 at 5:45pm

I'm so sorry you can't confide in your mom about this...she's not supportive to you and I think her comments have caused you more harm...so maybe in the future you could avoid the subject with her? You want to wear a wig, you don't need her blessing! I spent so much of my life trying to make sure people were never unhappy, because of childhood issues and whatnot. I was afraid to displease them with my personal decisions. When I first started to really suffer badly from the hairloss, I told them I wanted to shave my head, and that I'd wear a wig sometimes too. "They" meaning family and some friends. They all complained and said noooooooooo don't do that and got their knickers in a twist about what I wanted to do with my own body. I realized, you can't please all the people all the time. I wish I never told them, but it really taught me to live without others' approval. I realized in the end that how I felt about my appearance was not/should not be governed by others. I'm still coping with that realization and trying to retrain my brain to think along these lines. Really, truly, when I go out into that world and interact with people, it's me who's in my skin, wearing that hair or head. MY comfort is more important than yours. ;))) I'm still having a very hard time with this too, I'm depressed and have serious anxiety and have wondered if I should get either therapy or medication to give me a kickstart, to help me live a normal life again. Maybe you've thought about that? My whole life I've been against people taking medications but I realize now that I'm not living life the way it should be lived and the anxiety is clinical. Btw, I also suffer dermotillomania, and when I had all my hair suffered a rare form of trich that was compulsive haircutting for about two years. When I say that I've had every hairstyle imaginable, I mean it...even including mohawks! Relaxation really helped me break that habit. Then I started losing my hair. With the skin picking, I find it helpful to look in the mirror less, also taking spironolactone has made my skin so nice that there is nothing to pick so it would be silly to. I can't stress enough ho great the site wigsupport.com is for learning about the wigs. I even learned there that I can alter the fit of my wig cap instead of walking around with an ill fitting one. Erika by amore is a stunning wig, btw. Amore is a good brand. I really feel what you are saying and have had the same kinds of pain, I hope that your struggle with this gets easier for you soon. It's no fun walking around feeling that way. Fwiw, I've found it easier to be strong when I find lots of other things to focus on. Hth, and good luck!

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Permalink Reply by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on December 28, 2011 at 6:04pm

Lili - great points!!

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Permalink Reply by Jennah on December 30, 2011 at 6:27pm

Thank you sooo much for your comment Lili it really means allot. What you said about approval and how we shouldn't have do worry about displeasing people with our decisions is sooo true I am just learning how to get over this with my therapist who I have been seeing for around a month now. I would really recommend the use of a therapist to help you with your issues (well if you feel is it right for you) It is really helping me to speak with someone about my issues who is disconnected from me as it is easier to be honest about my feeling without feeling judged.

I have been on medication for anxiety for over 10 years, paroxetine and on the consultation of my therapist I am currently weening myself off as it isn't working so well for me anymre. This is hard as I am getting some side effects such as feeling very emotional lol:)

After I am off the medication we will be looking at another if I need it which is more suitable. It is hard to make the decision to go on medication and I know for me personally it was the best decision as it has helped me in the past. The reason why it isn't helping me now I think is because I have been on it for so long and my body is so used to it, it has lost its effectiveness. I probably will try something else when I finish paroxetine.

The think you need to remember about these sorts of medications is that they are not a quick fix and often you need to couple them with therapy and not rely on them alone, I have learned I have to do some hard yards as well. I hope this helps you in your decision.

Thankyou for letting me know that you have suffered from dermatillomania also. I feel I am not alone, and neither are you xoxo thanks so much Lili:)

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Permalink Reply by Sarah on December 30, 2011 at 10:23pm

Hi there Jennah :-) Along with you, I also have been anxious, feeling despair, hopeless, unwanted, ugly.... negative in all, but truly felt. Not a day goes by that I don't think about shaving off all my remaining hair. I'm tired of looking in the mirror for improvement, focusing on one or two growing new hairs... big deal, right?! You are such a strong lady... this is not an easy thing in life to experience in any way you look at it. Like you, I cry... I was just ranting to my poor mom who has leukemia, feeling selfish for complaining about my scalp issues. Also, since I was about 13, I've compulsively picked at every little bump, focused on every abnormality of my skin too. My ex husband would wait for me to go with him places because before hand, because I would be 'clearing my pores' on my face, chest, neck... legs, whatever, and then had to cover up the redness with concealer which was nearly impossible! I wish I could jump through the computer screen and go try on wigs with you :-) Have you ever tried to meditate? I actually learned how to do TM (transcendental meditation) from a friend years ago, and it does help relax your nerves, and clear your mind. I need to practice it more often too. It's great that therapy is helping you somewhat... usually the therapist cannot directly relate to what you're feeling, but if they help at all... you should continue. Don't feel bad for quitting your job, man... it's run through my mind so many times, but made a job adjustment so I can wear a hat all day if I wish, no problem. Once you begin looking for a job again, you'll either be more comfortable wearing a wig, or having a shaved head, or a scarf, etc. and that way, nobody there will know you as you were before, but know you from the beginning as the new you. Exercise seems to help, some say, with depression, so I'm starting to do that too.... if I can't have my hair I've always had, why not focus on having a toned up body? :-) That's my most recent philosophy I suppose. Anything to cope!!! You're not a bad person for caring how you look.... we all were raised looking at our own reflections and identifying ourselves by our features. For me, my hair has always been thick, dark, curly, and long. Now it's crap!!!!!!!! Anyway, not the point :-) I figure that I have to accept myself for who I am now, and not be so focused on the past and what I used to be, but who I am becoming. Try to know that you are who you've always been on the inside. Let your bubbliness shine Jennah! Your level of comfort is so important, although you may feel like it's not. What a journey we all have been through and are going through here; how could we not learn and grow from it? It's hard to think of any of this as positive, but also, another thing that has been calming my nerves recently is learning to say affirmations, realistic ones. Look up the author Louise Hay... although saying affirmations will not necessarily bring your hair back, it will help you get through the day. You have to figure out which ones will work for you personally. For me, I say "scalp cells, you are healthy, you don't burn but you repair and replace any disease around you" or something like that. Sound stupid? possibly, but you say something to yourself many times, and it becomes a more realistic reality. Sorry... I get carried away. Anyway, try in your hardest times to say and think positive things. Know your friends and family will accept your new situation better if you try to deal and accept it little by little and grow from it yourself. I'm in the same boat with you Jennah, it does suck rocks for sure, but we are here to support you, each other, and to live life. This has certainly robbed a year of my life already and I don't want to let it take any more away! I'm sure you don't either. You're a beautiful lady Jennah, and you don't need hair to let your personality shine through, me neither I suppose. It's easier to be yourself if you feel good so take time to try some new relaxation techniques, eat healthy, develop a routine that will at least help you be functional. I'm working on all of these things too with you :-) We can do this, get through this, and be smiling eventually... not thinking about it, not letting it control our lives. Oh... something that has helped my skin was cutting out milk from my diet... never thought it would help, but it has :-) Take care Jennah, write any time :-) Warmly, Sarah K.

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