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Permalink Reply by Carol on April 4, 2008 at 9:01am

Having grown up with alopecia I can say for certain that most of those tips don't work! Children have only gotten worse in the past 20+ years and when I went my parents followed many of those tips which only turned into harassment and physical fights. The first bit explains that what the teaser says most likely isn't true but when you're called baldy it is true! Plus, don't ever ignore the fact that people are making fun of you, either educate them or defend yourself! Teasers will only tease more if you cry - who can help it??? It is very difficult to get parents to truly understand what we go through and the worst thing any parent can do is tell their kid to ignore the problem. What I had wished my parents had done was to schedule a speaker to talk to the entire school about alopecia or at least arranged a time where I could explain my situation to the school. I spent a lot of recesses alone outside, it would have been great if I could have stayed inside and dusted off the chaldboards. I used to get in trouble on purpose just so I could stay inside and repeatedly write the same sentece over and over, so I wouldn't look like a geek standing outside by myself watching everyone else play. Another good thing a parent can do is accept that the kid is being picked on and do everything in their power to make that kid feel good about him/herself so they'll feel stronger for the battle. Find a way so they can be happy about their appearance without making them feel like an ugly duck to begin with (tricky when you have a teen). If you can afford it take the kid out for cool clothes or a neat hat or something that will get them good attention from their peers. They need something other than hair that allows them to fit in, something cool enough to distract any bullies from the hair situation. If you've ever heard the expression "if you can't beat em, join em" this is somewhat the case. You're just buying your kids way in at this point but money makes the world go round unfortunately! I'm still quite bitter about my childhood even though I'm 30 now. This obviously needs to be handled delicately and I don't think theres any one way to deal with this, it's a very personalized situation, especially since there are so few of us around. Just thought I'd share my opinion is all. Thanx for the vent.

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Permalink Reply by Trina on April 4, 2008 at 12:25pm

sadly, I agree . We live in a world where children are cruel and can be really hurtful! i mean someone said to my daughter about one of hers and she told the girl would you like it if it were you and it worked. I will say that from me being in her shoes years ago it is hard because try there best to get under your skin. She has been lucky in that she goes to a really small school and so they are really close and have been supportive of her. I think educating people is the key but I dont think that will stop them from messing with the child. It is almost to say easier to think you have cancer and they show remorse. I still remember those days when I did not want to go to school and I cried to stay home. The kids tried to pull my wig and now the same people see me and want to be friends... I learned to forgive them and realize they were just ignorant. But like Carol it came to physical fights. I dont think it matters how much you buy them like the other kids I just think it takes parents to teach their kids some manners and respect.

Teaching self love and acceptance at home is important. Telling your child that they are still beautiful and showing them that you love them.

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Permalink Reply by kastababy on April 5, 2008 at 1:35pm

I was totally in the same boat as Trina and Carol -- luckily, I was blessed enough to have gone to a small private school for most of my childhood, but as I got into middle school and beyond, that was when the teasing and the bullying was the worst. When my hair first fell out, the children in my class were children that I had gone to church with and lived in the neighborhood with, so they saw the gradual progression and understood that it was just my hair and not me, so they were cool with it. My problem came from the children outside that neighborhood who didn't know any of us and just used it as an excuse to pick and bully and tease anyway. My parents and I tried to do the assembly thing and get up in front of the school and have presentations and guess what -- that just made things worse, because instead of just a few people knowing what was going on and the majority ignoring the rabblerousers, now EVERYONE knew and that just opened the door for bigger and older bullies. I never wanted to learn how to fight, but after the first couple of times my wig was pulled off as a joke (and nearly destroyed -- which would have been worse because children's wigs are NOT cheap), I had to learn how to fight just to keep my hair on my head. Added to the fact that because I was gifted and skipped ahead two grades, which made me the smallest and youngest person in my class, and it was a recipe for disaster. I've lost count of the days and nights I would come home and cry myself to sleep because the teasing had just been too much to bear that day -- I think it is a testament to how strong I had to become, or just how stubborn I actually was, that no matter how bad the teasing got, I NEVER allowed my tears to fall in front of my classmates, because then that would give them the reaction that they wanted. Ignoring didn't work, smart retorts didn't work -- unfortunately, like Carol and Trina, the only way to get rid of a bully is to fight them and show them that you will not be intimidated. Like my parents said, all it takes is to knock out one and the rest will scatter.

I think this problem is even bigger in the African-American community just because of its culture itself. Growing up going to predominantly African-American populated schools and attending its churches, you see just how materialistic that segment of society is. It's ALWAYS about whether your hair is real or not, whether your eyes are your natural color or if they are contacts, do you have the latest pair of Jordans, the latest outfit, whether it is FUBU, Phat Farm, Baby Phat, etc., and anything less than that makes you second-class and worthy of contempt no matter what. That sort of materialism is taught at home, not at school, and carries on into adulthood.

Like Carol, I myself am very bitter about any part of my childhood that forced me to deal with other people outside my family, which means that I'm bitter about 90% of it. I occasionally run into some of the people who teased and tormented me as a child, and although I have forgiven them, I can never forget the pain and hurt that they caused me growing up. Consequently, although I am polite, I am not friendly to those people and give them no opportunity to offend, hurt, or otherwise bother me in any way. I don't believe in buying clothes, shoes, toys, or anything to fit in, because then that makes me just as materialistic as the idiots I grew up with. Like Carol, I think that any situation involving teasing needs to be handled delicately, but at the same time I think that every child with alopecia needs to be able to defend themselves should the need arise.

Sorry -- this topic is a sore subject with me guaranteed to get me venting, but I hope that all parents read this and take this into account too -- no matter how much you teach your child to be nonviolent and have dialogue and tell the teacher and all that other bullshit (which is how I see it), at some point they WILL have to fight and defend themselves. Anyone that moves into your personal space is there to do you harm as a child, and that child has the right to defend himself or herself. Make sure that your child knows that you are there for them no matter what, and will even fight yourself for your child -- that is how you deal with teasing.

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Permalink Reply by Melissa on April 4, 2008 at 12:59pm

I have generally found that kids tease when they are uneducated. My parents went to my elementary school on a day I wasn't there and told all the kids what Alopecia was and answered all their questions. I begged them not to do it, but they secretly went behind my back and did it anyways. It actually virtually stopped all the teasing. I'm not saying this will work all the time, but when kids know what Alopecia is, I think they're less likely to make fun of it. They had questions like, "Is it contagious?" or "Does it hurt when it falls out?" Some of those tips from that article would never work (in my opinion). Like the advice to just ignore it. That is better than fighting or crying, but I think the best way to ease the teasing is to educate! I wish I could go back to the kids who called me "baldy" and instead of crying or flinging an insult right back just say, "Look, I have Alopecia. My body is allergic to my hair and it falls out. What's the big deal?" Hahaha!

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Permalink Reply by Sophie Ray on April 5, 2008 at 7:08am

i totally agree with the comments made, like the point is, whatever parents try to do, the fact is there child is BALD and the majority of poeple, especially young children, think thats sooo weird. the teasers.. they are children, what do you expect them to do... grow up all of a sudden, and not think aloud, or think before they speak?! its what children do, and if they dont like something.. they will make fun or comment on it, usually not knowing or understanding the impact or meaning half the things they say, and would never think how they would feel if it was them! i would say that the only way to ease your child is to warn them about whats happening, try and teach them to stay strong, and edcuate them themselves about whats happened or happening to them. my parents were always there for me, always willing to help me, but i never seemed to want it... that could be because i wanted to be a strong person and deal with what i was going through by myself, maybe because i thought i would look good in the other childrens eyes... i never told my parents how i felt, and i still dont....
i never expierenced alot of teasing, maybe due to the fact that it was explained to my class about what was going on with me, so i would say thats essential to helping your child. i think you just have to let your child know your there for them, and that this is there deal in life, and teach them to stay strong and find those people who will stay with you no matter what, and the most important, those kids who tease you obviously are very poor people ~( not literally like money, but obviously are very low and not worth your time- you know what i mean?!) and that there is no point really even listening to them, jsut walk away, and let them feel the inequalaties in them.... i dont really know how to word it.! but i hope you understand what im getting at?! basically, the fact is that they are not normal in most kids' eyes, and htats going to be noticed, and discussed and things are going to be said, no matter what you do,.... but think, in the long term, this is going to make your child a better person. just be there for your kid, and support them, and inform people, and teach them morals, and let them find there own way in life?!
sorry if im talking out my ass... just what i think ive felt through growing up and going through life with alopecia.!

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Permalink Reply by Sherry McDonell on April 6, 2008 at 11:53pm

My Daughter is enerting the school system this fall.
What do you believe would be better? To have an Alopecian teen come in and speak?
Or leave it be?
Thanks Sherry

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Permalink Reply by Carol on April 8, 2008 at 6:26am

I just know if it were MY child I would speak to the class or find someone who's good at talking to young kids. This is very hard for them to understand so you have to put it in terms they can wrap their heads around like "Suzie is allergic to her own hair so it falls out, is anyone else in the class allergic to something??" If she stays in the same school as these same kids for years on end and there aren't a lot of new kids coming in all the time then these same kids might not tease her as much when she's older because they'll already be very used to her and know why she is the way she is. It's all about trying to gain that acceptance before they get old enough to be opinionated. Other than that, teach her to be strong because there's still life outside of school and that she is the most beautiful person to you and her family and friends.

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Permalink Reply by marsha on April 8, 2008 at 12:17pm

My daughter started to lose her hair when she was a baby. She is now 8 and the kids in her school are asking her questions why she has balded spots. She is a very shy person. I don't know weather to tell her class or leave it alone. I'm looking foe some advice. Please help

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Permalink Reply by Trina on April 8, 2008 at 1:52pm

Marsha,

I think that this is a touchy situation. While my daughter goes to a really small school she told this kids it was a long story. They did not ask any more questions. As they get older kids are definately more into picking and teasing and maybe you can just have a small meeting with the teaching them about the condition but in my own experience it does not change the fact that kids will say mean things. As they get older unless the school remains small it is likely to happen. Teach her to be strong and love who she is

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