How to support a friend with alopecia

Hi all, 

I'm new to this site. I joined because I have a very good friend who is struggling with Alopicia. He lost his hair at the age of 8 and even though it grew back, he lost it all again at the age of 24. He is having a very hard time dealing with it. He seeks mental health treatment and he is trying his best. As a friend, i feel helpless and would love to help him. If you have any advice on what you think would be appreciated as part of being supportive, please let me know?? like if you wish you had a friend doing certain things for you, or what being there ofr you really means, I would love to be that friend for him. We are not in a romantic relationship but we are very close. It makes me sad to see him be this sad. 

Thank you for your help, I admire all your positivity, strength and courage 

MOI. 

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Permalink Reply by Moi on February 3, 2014 at 11:25pm

Oh wow, Thank you so much for spelling it out so clearly! im sorry for the way people have been treating you and yes you're right i go a lot with what he says to me but I also ask you guys because you all seem more willing to process what has worked for you and what hasnt. He isnt very verbal...

Permalink Reply by Moi on February 3, 2014 at 11:21pm

I always ask how he is coping! im so happy you mention that, and i only query about the doctor when he brings it up..... 

Thank you : )

Permalink Reply by Moi on February 3, 2014 at 11:26pm

Thank you. I feel like copying and pasting your response and email it to him. Except that he doesn't know that i posted....

Permalink Reply by Pam on February 2, 2014 at 1:47pm

I agree with Dorothy, the last thing someone may want to  hear is how others have is so much worse.....I would say just be there to listen through it all and lend a shoulder to lean on,  Mostly, since you are young adults, invite him out to parties and activities and enjoy and love life!  I know my sons friends kept him busy by inviting him out and including him in suff....you don't want him to feel isolated!  I think you are an awesome friend by just posting this and looking for info!

Permalink Reply by Moi on February 3, 2014 at 11:28pm

Thank you, yes i try to push him to still participate in "young people" activities or even in increasing pleasurable activities so that he can feel better.And sometimes he is so down its hard for me to know when to push and when not to push.

Permalink Reply by Me on February 2, 2014 at 1:55pm

I would mostly tell your friend that you are there to support him. Has he considered getting a bonded custom hairpiece? From my own experience, it has saved my sanity! They look real, no one I work with or know socially even know I wear hair. He should look into options available out there. You can get them through a company, make monthly payments and get several a year. I would attach them an care for them yourself as the cost is greatly reduced compared to hair clubs. He should look into it. I think it would help him immensely. I know it has been a lifesaver for me! It has improved my whole outlook and general feeling of well being. Lots of love! It's great he has a concerned friend as yourself to be there for him, it means a lot!

Permalink Reply by Moi on February 3, 2014 at 11:30pm

Thank you! i think that right now he is so overwhelmed with the hair loss, he is not thinking of covering it/replacing it, at least not yet... Although you make a good point that by improving his general well being, it may help in many ways..

Permalink Reply by Bonnie Fimiano on February 2, 2014 at 2:08pm

My  son has alopecia. He is going to be 13 years old. He has had it for 3 years now. I really find offense to people who say it could be worse and you could have cancer, it is only hair.  Our family is so supportive and accepting of his condition.

IT DOES NOT DEFINE WHO MY SON IS, nor will it ever. We have chosen to focus and highlight on his strengths.

His amazing  personality, his humor, his adorableness, (even being bald), his athleticism, his ability to be a great friend to others, his strong attitude, his kind huge heart,  his determination, among so many other great attributes that he has. He will never overcome being bald. It is a huge burden to carry in the society that we live in today. There is not a day that goes by that people don't ask him  what stage cancer he has, or look at him very strangely and stare. We choose not to let it consume us, but instead, try to make light of it.
I know he is going to have a very difficult time ahead of him as he approaches high school, but if we can continue to make him a strong human being who focuses on all of the positive things that he has going for him, we feel this will be the key to his success. When he has his bad days, we discuss it, we vent, we agree that it sucks and we all wish things could be different, but then we move on in a positive way, continuing to guide him in the right direction of positivity and we move forward.
Please do not minimalize the struggles that people with alopecia have because it is NOT cancer. It is a disease. It is a vicious disease. With no cure and no treatment and no true understanding of why. It is a  terrible disease that will mislead you into thinking your  hair is coming back, and then in a moments notice all of the hope quickly fades away.  I only ask that people treat my son with the same dignity, respect and love that they would for any other human being who HAS hair.

It is all about focusing on the amazing person that God wants you to be! and we sometimes never get the answers that we are looking for. We just have to accept that there are things that we can't change! Support and love those that have alopecia. It is a very difficult road to travel. I'm on it. It is not easy. SMILE and have fun along the way. Alopecian's are all beautiful people!

Permalink Reply by Moi on February 3, 2014 at 10:55pm

Hi Bonnie,

I agree with you, i don't define anyone by whatever condition they may have.

Thank you :) 

Permalink Reply by Marieca on February 2, 2014 at 6:03pm

Hi Moi, 

I will say that my friends made it easier for me by treating me like normal and just being there to listen if I wanted to talk about it. You don't want to downplay it like it's nothing but you also don't want to give it too much life. He is still the same awesome person he was before he lost his hair. Just make sure to reinforce that for him until he starts to remember himself! 

Permalink Reply by Moi on February 3, 2014 at 10:56pm

perfect. i think sometimes I hesitate asking him how he is feeling but on the other hand i feel bad going on about my day in case he's not feeling too good. Its hard to know that balance that u describe

Permalink Reply by michelle on February 2, 2014 at 7:41pm

I think you are an awesome friend!!   So your question 'what can you do?'  Just continue to be his friend.  Not minimizing his emotional pain around hair loss is important.  Ask what he needs......listen to his story so his feelings are validated.  I have AU...lost all my hair at the age of 49.   I was clear with my friends who meant well to not offer their 'ideas' re wigs/hats/scarfs unless I asked for their thoughts.  I was pretty open about others been mindful of my pace.  It sounds like your friend is really grieving.  Just keep doing what you are doing!!!!

You are a good friend,

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