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I'm pretty scared that I will lose my partner and my friends over this
Hi I have just developed AA about a month ago now, I went to the doctor hoping he would make me feel a bit better, and stop me from panicking, but he looked at my patch and said 'Oh yes that's really obvious isn't it' then proceeded to look really disgusted and said there was nothing he could do and I'd just have to wait and see what happened. I asked about steroid cream so he prescrbed me some but told me it didn't really work anyway. I left the surgery in tears, I'm pretty scared that I will lose my partner and my friends over this, I have always been complimented on my lovely thick hair and now it's even upsetting my little girl when she finds strands all over the place. I haven't told anyone outside my family I'm still really in denial but I hope I can meet some new friend here :-)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jocelyn on
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Hey Elin!
Don't let that doctor put you down. Get rid of him and find someone else who is going to give you the emotional support that you need. I went to a doctor who reminds me of yours however she did the opposite medical wise - overloading me with foams, creams, shots, and pills. I would wait sometimes 2 hours in her waiting room just to have her barely look at me for 5 minutes in the room. Needless to say I switched to a lovely doctor who also gave me shots but with a dose of sweet confidence which made all the difference. Even my friends noticed my changed attitude about the whole situation.
I used steroid shots with my first round of alopecia when I was 12 and everything are back in nice and thick by the time I was say 16/17. Then at 24 turning 25 a spot came back. This time more aggressive but not totalis. I had re growth from the shots again but it hasn't all grown in and I wear a wig because of how thinned out it became. Over the last few months I haven't gone for shots because life got so busy and for me. They may not be a permanent solution for all but do help many so if that is something you want to try another doctor will support that.
About your partner, daughter, and friends - if they love you with hair they would love you bald because it's you. Everyone needs some time to adjust - including yourself!Your little girl just needs to know that mommy is healthy and is there for her. Your partner and friends will become the rock you lean on. Sometimes it is us who pushes them away because we don't want them to deal with what we are dealing with but don't be afraid to reach out to them for support. If they were meant to be a part of your life, you will see they will stick around through the good days and bad.
Also, I suggest you read LeslieAnn Butler's book (She is on the site) If Your'e Hair Falls Out, Keep Dancing. I found it to be so helpful in this specific area.
I hope this gives you some relief. This site is great for that :)
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Permalink Reply by Tanya Stone on
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I know how you feel-I am feeling the same right now-possibly I am pushing my partner away-I am working on that-I have decided to sit down and talk to him about it. I know if doesnt seem to help but theres not much else to do. I have had this since March and it is getting worse. I can relate to what you are going through
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Until you sort out your emotions, find a hair/head solution that YOU find pretty (have some fun at a wig shop!). Doctors must be frustrated with this, too...he just didn't hide his frustration very well, did he? Yes, you will make friends here! Be ready to find out how true your real partner and friends are...or if they are really just into hair! You may be embarking on a real soul searching journey...
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Permalink Reply by Sherry Washington on
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Hello Elin,
I know exactly what you were going through, expect I didn't put my emphasis on my friends and boo. Everyone continuously asked me how did my husband feel about my hairloss. I really didn't care about his feelings because I had to accept myself. Ironically my husband supported and encouraged me to wear my head bald...there. Don't stress over if anyone would accept your new look because you have to be able to accept the "new and fabulous" you. If I must say....if you lose anyone over your new look, they weren't worthy of being in your company in the first place. Try not to stress too much because it will only escalate the problem.
Best Wishes!!
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Permalink Reply by Erika on
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Hello Elin,
I am new here, but I can safely say I believe you will find alot of good support through the people here. I have had alopecia since I was 17 years old and it was hard to accept at first - and part of that had to do with a small town doctor who gave me the very same experience you had "Oh yes, that's really obvious isn't it" really just struck a chord with me.
I really cannot believe that you would lose your friends or your partner over this - to be quite frank, I would fully expect them to be 100% supportive of you through all of this - and in my honest opinion, if they were shallow enough to leave you over this - then they were never worth your time, ever.
I had similar fears at the beginning, too - but everyone in my life proved themselves to be wonderful and worthwhile and caring and just what I needed. I only wish a support site like this existed at that time.
It is hard - but there is light at the end of the tunnel. There are SO many different options for people with alopecia. Some of the options really inspire creativity, I have seen, in alot of women - and adapting to a new look can be fun, with the right tools and support. I am unsure what types of treatments you would be willing to try - but the key to going through those is to not expect great things - then say, if some fledgling hairs grow - wow, wonderful! If not - then you might be better prepared to move on to a next step.
Count the people here as your friends and ask any questions you think of. Just try and remember you are beautiful with or without hair.
Take care and be strong. Strength comes from going through these major life events, and we all come out at the other end triumphant and confident in ourselves.
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Permalink Reply by Leresa on
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Elin I don't know you but I know you as alopecian sista. What your going through is a feeling of emotion that will pass, it's not who your are. In essence hair is the same thing - Hair is not who you are. In the physical it seems that way but you are perfect no matter what happens & what you will find as we all have, your just not there yet, your friends & family love you & it doesn't matter if your hair is long short or blonde!. Of course they are not going to understand as no one does because no two people see the world the same. & that is the BEAUTY. In fact you are going to become a better person by growing from this, this experience will cause you to love yourself on a higher level that you were never aware of. I remember when someone told me this years ago I couldn't see it. THINK of it this way- why is it that some women who are considered beautiful feel ugly & you can't understand why they feel way from your view. You are beautiful,do not isolate yourself from your friends & family as a lot of us have,because in the end you end up alone which is the very thing you don't want. The doctors know nothing that's why they can't guarentee nothing- The cure is within- acceptance. MY mom use to tell me " What if everybody was bald & you had hair"(HMMM), you see it still remains the same- perception. When I started going in public bald feeling insecure I felt like everyone was staring & gossip much the same when I wore a wig even. I thought how am I going to ever enjoy my life- wig or bald same response from people. After some self love work that I had to do,now when I do anything as myself bald or wig, scarf ,hat- whatever the hell I choose (even if it grows back) I get nothing but compliments & people are awed & if someone says or looks aloof I don't care in fact I don't even notice it anymore. This message is long I just wanted to explain to you the way I would want explained to me. In essence these comments are all telling the same thing. We love you & you will get through this.
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Permalink Reply by Maria M Licier on
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First of all if anyone losses, it will be your partner and friends. Why would you even think that, your outer appearance is just the wrapper, it's the contents that matter.
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Permalink Reply by KATHLEEN B. on
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Through thick and thin... right?... Would you love your partner or friends any less if he/they lost all their hair?... Im sure your answer would be no... So why think, they would think any differently?... Your true friends will stand by you and support you no matter what your hair look likes...They love you for u!... not bc you have or dont have hair!.. remember that ( took me awhile for that to click in tho)...I also used to alway getting compliments on my natural hair...I used to have super long hair.. its was my prize and glory.. kinda my trademark.. But when you lose the one thing that you feel defined you.. you really find out who who really are...trust me...your stronger then you think!! I truly believe that God doesnt not give us anything we can not handle.. But Jocelyn is right.. go get a second opinion... there are educated doctors out there who will help and are have knowledge on treatment.....Elin....Things do get better..(chin up)
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Permalink Reply by Elin on
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Thanks everyone, I think the thing that's bothering me most is the unpredictability. The patch of hair I've lost is growing gradually, every day a bit bigger. I think if it all fell out straight away I would at least know what I was dealing with but at the moment it's not one thing or the other. I wonder how long to leave it before just shaving the lot off and getting on with it. My Grandma had slight AA once which cleared up and never came back. My mum has had severe vitiligo for 30 years and I also have a form of chronic urticara which are all auto-immune related so it seems to be a family weakness. Looking on the bright side (as it seems we have to), at least I don't have a family history of life threatening illnesses or anything so I'm very thankful for that, it could be a lot worse.
All you girls are bloody gorgeous, bald or with (very nice) wigs, it really inspires me with confidence that I could do the same if it came down to it. My partner keeps saying I probably won't lose all my hair and not to worry as it probably won't happen, which makes me wonder if he might be a bit in denial. That's why I'm scared of losing him. He has said he'd love me with no hair but you never know, some people on here have said that their other halfs left them because of it. Obviously I would stick by him if anything happened to him so I would hope he'd do the same.
It's so nice that so many people have replied to me already it really cheered me up (and made me cry a bit lol) but I hope to get to know you all a lot better xx
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Some partners have that "leaving personality" anyway, alopecia or not. Maybe it is a lack of religious, medical or moral training, part of not caring who gets hurt, or part of being a man. Better that you would know at the beginning of alopecia than after marriage, children, a major job change or move for him, selling your belongings, leaving family and friends, etc. (By the way, I have had to go through some of the above, and "it ain't pretty!")
Just enjoy the relationship for now, give your all...and watch for some spectacular sign from HIM that he really cares. Does HE ever "problem-solve" aloud to you about what BOTH of you would do if you lost your hair, or how HE would shield you from consequences of hair loss that would make YOU feel better? Or would he consider dermatologist appointments or wig purchases an inconvenience or embarrassment to HIM? (Bad!)
You already know how you feel. We can't control who another really is...but should think very seriously about it, and become mentally prepared for possible heartbreak. Develop your own life/career/strengths and, of course, income. If he leaves, at least you will have the inner pride that YOU learned to love, experience love, etc. However, since I never thought before 18 that love would happen for me, I was damn happy about every romance that occurred ages 18-now (old as dirt now), while I was in each! There is something so nice about happiness and trust when you are in that place!
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Hi, unfortunately we do have children and have moved away from friends and family for his career so have quite a bit to lose if he does decide it's all too much to deal with. We got together when I was quite ill with something else which was visually disfiguring though so hopefully he can handle this too! x
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