Alopecia World
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Just diagnosed, spreading quickly and terrified of losing the girlfriend
So real quick background. Im 25 alomst 26 year old male. Just last week I noticed a few patches missing in my facial hair. I saw a dermo which explained to me what it was. Since then it has been spreading quite quickly in my beard area and believe there is a small spot starting on the back of my head. As for my girlfriend, we have been dating for a little over 8 months and I can tell you I have never felt this way about another person. She is the first girl I have ever said I love you to because she is the first girl I have had no doubt I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She has helped me through tough times but I really dont know how she will handle this. She currenty lives about 1.5 hours away so we only see each othe on the weekends but talk every night. I have not told her about this yet, as I wanted to do so in person. So tonight when I get to her place Im going to have the talk. I really do think that she will be OK and help me get through this, whether its temporary or permanent but what I am struggling with is the guilt of making her go through this with me which may drive her away. I know I may get a reply or 2 saying that if she cant handle it then shes not worth it and I appreciate that opinion but trust me I will not share that opionion. She is the world to me and is my first line of support. I tell her things my family doesnt know and has made the last 8 months the best of my life.
Tonight may very well end up being one of the lowest points in my life if this does not go well. Im trying to stay positive but am completely terrified of what might come the next few weeks. If my hair continues to leave at its current rate I know I my mental state is going to go through hell and if I lose her on top of it I honestly dont know where I end up.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kimberly on
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Honesty to me in a relationship is a MUST, as you said, she has helped you through tough times, and if she REALLY loves you as you do her, she will be there for you. (think about if the tables were turned) One thing you need to do is, to be strong, even though you are struggling and hurting with this, your attitude - how you handle this in your life - AND one more thing, you should not feel guilty ( for you or her) - this is not something you chose. You have no control over alopecia, but don't let it control you. Best of Luck to you. :-)
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Involve her. Ask her to watch the progress of this, read up on it, help you choose a cool hat just in case, etc. When a guy I liked at 18 told me hair loss doesn't change love, I cried with relief. He teared up when my hair started growing a year later, and I still recall the look on his face as he said, "I'm so happy." He was happy for ME! Keep her a part of your world, of this. If she acts wary at all, let her know you want her to keep up with you on this over the years because she IS your best friend. Look in the mirror and rehearse all possible outcomes so you'll respond sanely, no matter what. Ultimately, we all have to deal with that part of us that has to internally feel as only we can, with our images of and dreams for ourselves, regardless of which loved ones come and go in our lives (example: That accepting man married two other women, but never me. Boy, DID I have to deal with some emotions...and another cross-country move, as I had moved for him. Yet, even married, he tried to contact me last year on Classmates.com to tell me I had been the love of his youth...29 years later!). Sometimes time returns people to us...time and maturity. Go into this boldly, speaking truth, and you are doing the best you can do.
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Permalink Reply by trick on
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Thank you both for your advise. It is much appreciated. I just cant seem to stop that terrible feeling from coming up that the future we both invisioned us having could dissapear and losing the most important person in my life could happen just like that. Not more than two weeks ago we talked about how everything was falling into place and how excited we were for the future and now im losing my mind. What makes this entire thing worse is I have no control over it. I know she loves me as she reminds me everyday but my fear is that if this progresses I wont be the same person physically and most importantly mentally that she fell in love with. I know your both right. I know shes going to say we will get through this but this is where I lead to me feeling guilty. I know its out of my control but this is just how my mind works. I cant stand the feeling of me causing her any pain regardless if it is out of my control. I cant help but to keep thinking she doesnt deserve it and thats the feeling I have to get by. Im sorry its just how my mind works which i quite clear since this is about me losing hair and all I can think about is how this affects her.
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She said she was okay. So believe her and give her some credit. Talk to some adult males in a support group about how their lives have progressed. Find groups near you at www.naaf.org. You can do this. Tomorrow morning? Intimate brunch and hat store with your arm around your gal, okay?
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Permalink Reply by LitchKing on
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Don't feel too emotional I know your girlfriend loves you just as you could imagine. I know every woman understands every man they love.
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I have had AU since the age of 8, I am now 31. Relationships are hard when you have to reveal something physical about yourself to the other person but if they can't except your differences or faults, then don't deserve you at all. I have been with my husband for over five years and when I realized I needed to tell him I wore a wig it was really easy. I think it was so easy because he made me comfortable enough that I didn't want to hide it from him. His only response was that he was more concerned with me being a Yankee fan then not having hair. If this girl or another girl makes you feel comfortable in your own skin you won't question when to tell them or their response. Good luck!
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Permalink Reply by Sunflower25 on
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How did it go?
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Hi everybody. Thank you for your support and concerns. It went very well. I brought it up as soon as I got to her place. She actually laughed at me for thinking she would let this effect how she felt about me. She said she was so happy though that I was open about it with her and that she wants to be there to help me through this. I let her know that I would try my best to not allow this to break me down from the outgoing, fun loving person that she knows. Aside from a few mirror checks I actually spent the entire weekend not thinking about it. She has that effect on me.
Not that I needed any more confirmation but I love this girl. In such a short time she has become my best friend and the most important person in my life. She will be my support and motivation to mentally get through this, what ever this brings. I really wish I was physically able to be with her everyday as I know that would be a huge help but because of our current living situations the weekends will have to do for now and more than likely for the next 10 months. We talked about our future more than ever this weekend, which only adds further motivation for me to fight through whatever is ahead.
Once again thank you everybody for your advice and support. Im still very frustrated about this situation though, as anytime things happen that I cant control I struggle with mentally. Even more so with this since its unpredictable. Ive been through some bad medical conditions before that I had no problem getting through mentally because I knew there was an end to it but this has no answers. I cant just stop eating something or just go through painful medical procedures and rehab to make this better. Instead I just sit in the dark and wait for it to do whatever its going to do. I know everybody on this site has been through the same thing so I will continue to use everyones knowledge and experiencs to help me through. Thanks again everyone.
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I see that you have already had the discussion with your girlfriend and things worked out well for you. Nevertheless, I will post my response as you might be able to retrieve from it going forward. Many of us can relate to thinking that life would be over without our first love. Often in relationships, various conditions and circumstances arise and help us to see what we are made of, as well as reveal to us what’s inside of the hearts of those who say they love us. You have already implied you don't want to hear this, but I must be honest and share my 2 cents anyway. If we lose someone we love because we are losing our hair; while we’re without hair, they are without a heart. I know from experience that loving someone to the point of thinking we don't know what we'd do without them or end up, is having lost control of who we are. It's important that we recognize that we are VALUABLE with or without our significant other and certainly with or without hair. You are in my prayers. Keep looking up - God is looking down!
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