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Sex and alopecia
What are some of your do's and don'ts of sex? As an alopecian, in other words, what are some of the things that you do or do NOT expect from your sex partner as it relates to your alopecia? Are alopecic areas of your body -- for example, your head -- completely off-limits during sex, or might your partner touch those areas under certain conditions during sex? Is your partner free to compliment or otherwise speak of your alopecia during sex? Do you forbid your partner from touching your wig or hairpiece during sex? Has your alopecia in any way diminished or ruined your sex life (or perhaps enhanced it!)? What can your partner do or NOT do to help you become more comfortable with your alopecia during sex?
Only mature adults are invited to contribute to this discussion. Please be discrete and tactful, as vulgarity, profanity, and obscenity will not be tolerated.
Only mature adults are invited to contribute to this discussion. Please be discrete and tactful, as vulgarity, profanity, and obscenity will not be tolerated.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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Oh WOW, RJ, you are on a roll this week, aren't you!!
Here is a very brief summation of my sexual experience as an alopecic adult (sex really was a non-issue growing up, thank goodness!):
1. I let a man know up front before he even takes his clothes off that he can touch anything below the eyebrows. My head is totally off limits. Period. End of discussion.
2. Generally when having sex, I have something covering my head -- a wig or a scarf -- and I think I've gotten pretty good at tying my scarf so that it doesn't slip if the sex gets a little intense. ;)
3. I've never had a man make any reference to my head at all during or after sex, although they have complimented me on the scarves, as I have always managed to have a scarf to match any lingerie I have.
4. I don't know that there IS anything to be done to make me feel more comfortable with AA during sex. In fact, I try to spend as much time as I can trying to FORGET about it and doing what it takes accordingly to make my partner forget about it too. I would probably have to ask around, but I think I've been successful so far!!
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Permalink Reply by Carol on
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Wow, it's been some time since I've thought or worried about these things but I do remember being extrememly self concious about wig touching - that was a no no! Now that I don't wear one, I do wish my head was caressed more but I'm afraid to bring it up cause he's not always comfortable talking about it.
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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I feel that if I really want my alopecia to be a non-issue, then I have to deal with it like any other part of my body that is a "non-issue". I think it does takes some time and willingness to allow some to get into that close personal space. But if I will let you touch my elbow and other more intimate parts of my body, then surely you can touch my head.
I love when rj caresses my head. When rj wants to relay that I am precious to him, he caresses my head. It has come to the point with me and rj that it just feels so natural when he touches me period. It is not strained, it is not uncomfortable, it is the same feeling as when he reaches for my hand or put his arm around my waist.
On the other hand, I still find my head a private part. Meaning that not anyone can just come up and touch it. If a man were to just walk up to me and touch my head, I would feel offended and feel that he has seriously violated my personal space. To me, touching my head is reserved for close personal relationships. My sister, friends and family can touch my head, but even then I think I would take notice. I would not be offended but I would feel it more than when rj touches my head.
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Permalink Reply by Mari on
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I agree wholeheartedly with that Cheryl! If it really is a "non-issue" than it would not be off limits. That is a part of our bodies, and a very intimate area for any woman I think. It would still be the same if we had hair, when woman like to have their other half run their hands thru it. There is no difference in having our head touched in the same way. I personally don't believe that you can have that complete connection and enjoyment if there is a side of you that you are keeping off limits and hidden.
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Hi Tamgirl, I know I do have a personal space boundary in general. I may not hug and kiss everybody I meet, it depends on my comfort level with that person. I once knew a guy that just seem to stand to close to me and I didn't like it. While someone else it may not be a problem.
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That is so true Ted. So whether I had hair or not, I truly believe they would be infringing on my personal space.
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Perhaps I should have clarified my reasons for not wanting my head touched at all. My head is so sensitive to touch (I don't even touch the top of my head unless applying sunscreen with the lightest of touches or shaving the patches) that I can't bear for anyone to touch my head, let alone an intimate partner. The only person ever allowed to touch my head was my father, because he would massage my head when it hurt the worst from both the AA inflammation and my migraines (which are severe and frequent.) Additionally, while I tend not to be very self-conscious as a general rule, this is one vulnerability that I will admit to. Being intimate with someone requires us to do more than just take off our clothes -- it requires us to open up ourselves to our partners that leaves us vulnerable in so many ways. This is just not something that I've been able to quite come to terms with yet, and to be honest, I'm not sure just where to begin.
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Yokasta, I can relate to that. Vulnerability is hard, it is something that I have struggled with as well. It seems that it is easier for us to remove our cloths than to allow someone truly in. Wow, isn't that backwards :) This discussion I think is really forcing us to be real with ourselves and others. I know for one, it has made me appreciate rj even more, (which I told him earlier). We are not a perfect couple, but there are some things that we are truly walking in the right direction.
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Permalink Reply by Margaret H Baker on
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I think you're awesome! And your photo shows light, love, and fun. I totally get the lingerie coordination...May have to steal that one... ;)
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NO WAY!!! You worked next door to Jimmy Swaggart's church???? How funny is that???
You definitely have not worn out your welcome -- and I for one like reading about your experiences. Keep contributing them, because the best perspective is a different one than your own!!!
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Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on
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I really appreciate those of you who take time to share your stories and insights here in Alopecia World. Your contributions are inspiring as well as informative and invaluable. However, I still ask that you stay on-topic whenever you post messages.
The present query, for example, is directed to alopecians and is an exploration of issues and concerns related to having sex while having alopecia. Therefore, you should contribute to this discussion only if you wish to shed light on peculiar concerns and challenges alopecians might face in their sex lives. Of course, you're also welcome to contribute to discussion if you wish to shed light on how alopecians might have deeply fulfilling sex lives despite living with chronic hair loss.
By the way, thanks a million to those of you who have not strayed from the topic at hand. ;-)
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But RJ, shouldn't sex and intimacy go hand in hand? After all, you can have sex without having intimacy, just like you can have intimacy without having sex.
I think for alopecians in particular, it is important to have a sense of intimacy with a sexual partner; at the very least, there has to be some sort of comfort zone there in order to complete the sexual act. In reading the varied responses here on this topic, I detect an undercurrent of having to have that comfort zone established in order to open up completely in our respective sex lives.
Now that the subject has been brought up, I am actually thinking about this topic as I watch my beloved L.A. Lakers give up the NBA title to the Boston Celtics (booooooo). And in thinking back on past sexual experiences, because I have always made it a point to keep my head covered, I don't think that the men I have been with have really noticed my baldness, or if they did, they didn't mention it until after the fact. However, my baldness is something that I am always aware of, no matter what, and I sometimes think that I would probably enjoy sex a lot more than I do (which is a lot!) if I didn't focus on it so much. Conversely, I don't want the sudden discovery of my baldness (due to a wig or scarf slipping when the encounter becomes particularly intense) to be a mood-killer either. I'm considering using the double-sided wig tape in the future, but I would like some input on that first before I buy it.
I do have a question for the respondents on this topic, though: how DID you get through your first sexual encounter bald? Was there a mishap or something memorable about the event? Perhaps hearing those other first-time experiences (not necessarily to be confused with losing your virginity, because for some people the experience is one and the same) will provide some inspiration and guidance for those of us who are still self-conscious about our alopecia and baldness in this very private area of our lives.
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