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Support system FAIL
So heres the story the one person i thought that was my biggest support system told me this weekend while drunk that he couldnt deal with my hair loss anymore and that it was killing him. This is my boyfriend. He said that seeing me depressed was making him depressed and that he didnt want to be with me anymore because he couldnt deal with it anymore and it was bringing him down he constantly said i killed it. what did i kill? The biggest thing that upset me was that he said he couldnt deal with my hairloss. i ran away from him and started crying and collapsed to the floor. he was completely hammered but still, WHY??? i dont know how to handle this. we live together and since that night i havent seen him, i dont know how to deal with this, knowing he was drunk do i forgive him? what do i do? drunk words are sober thoughts are they not? im so heart broken and i hate this f$*king disease. i had beautiful hair and i wasnt depressed. if this wasnt bad enough i got beaten up by some skank on friday night too that ended up ripping out some of my hair. I DIDNT NEED TO LOSE THAT F%^KING HAIR I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Nancy King on
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besides coming here, i go to a real-life therapist to help relieve stress from hair, and other, problems in my life. it helps take the edge off and keep things bearable. so, maybe some couples counseling for you guys? don't know how you feel about that. sorry that things came out that way. i can understand why you feel awful about that. hang in there.
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Being in bars and around abusive (physical and emotional, and definately spiritual) people is not healthy for alopecians. The fact that he didn't come back to apologize says it all. He finally spoke his truth, and basically told you what to expect from him, and in public, for the next 50 years. Get out now.
"It" was romance, attraction, patience and desire. Part of that is HIS problem in how to be a loving man. However, next time, take your sorrow, gripes and frustrations to a counselor or minister/rabbi...it is too much for a guy to get turned on when only hearing alopecia complaints and crying. He might feel helpless and less of a man when around you. Did you ever tell him how much he DID encourage you, and how much the relationship took your mind OFF the hair loss?
What are you doing hanging around skanks in bars at your age? Did you report the assault to the bar owner and the police?
I'd say, avoid the bars and abusive people before they become a bad habit. You have your whole life and reputation ahead of you. People see what you give them...so give them stories about a new you, new hobbies, new attitudes! Quit the losers!
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Permalink Reply by Jenn on
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it wasnt in a bar, it was at my house. he invited old friends over to my house for a bbq and i had some of my friends over too. i dont go to bars anymore. and i did file a police report.
he came home on sunday to apologize and says he doesnt remember anything from the weekend but still i dont care, it hurts so much you just dont say those things and then run off on your girlfriend i am so hurt right now. and nothing he does is going to make things better, our one year anniversary is tomorrow and i dont give a crap.
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Permalink Reply by Emory on
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I'm sorry you had such an awful weekend. Drunk or not, what your boyfriend did was not ok. Even if he apologized and you forgave him, he still feels the way that he does. Although he has supported you, it doesn't seem that he's completely comfortable with the situation and it will probably come up again in the future. How would he feel if your alopecia progressed? I am in a different place in my life than you right but now but husband has been amazing since the beginning. He never once made me feel bad or self conscious about my hair loss (I have alopecia universalis). Your boyfriend may have been right for you in the past but it seems now you need someone who is a little more mature and can handle things more appropriately. I am sad to hear you are having a such a hard time coping and I hope that you can figure out something that works for you.
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he is too immature, and i cant believe he did what he did. he came home and has been apologizing like no other but i just cannot accept it, it is just unforgivable what he did. there is nothing that can take this pain away what i am feeling at the moment. its just too much. i blame him for everything. everything this weekend is his fault. i wish he would just go away and never return right now. my life would be so much better if i had never had have him come into it.
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Permalink Reply by Neil on
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O.K. maybe I read this wrong but from what I understand what he said was not all that horrible. He said that seeing you depressed made him depressed. Which is what happens when someone cares. He did not say, from what you wrote, that he did not find you attractive anymore. He has apologized. I would say that if you need an "out" from this relationship then stick to your guns but if everything else in the relationship is fine then I would suggest that you put his comments in context and give him another chance.
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Sorry I gotta add something I forgot to mention. I am not insensitive to your pain and I understand your depression but try to stay positive. By that I mean focus on the positive. We all have negative things going on pretty much all the time and it is important to contemplate these things, to a point. But don't dwell too long on the negative. You are a beautiful girl with or without hair. And your boyfriend cares enough to be sad when you are sad (and he can do nothing else about it). Don't let your hair loss rob you of your enjoyment of life.
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Permalink Reply by Dom on
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"Whats sober in is drunk out". Perhaps your boyfriend was revealing some of his 'closed' cards about your Alopecia and the way you/him are dealing with it.
It seems this weekend has been an 'icebreaker' for you both. Perhaps a good thing? as the iceberg ......maybe has been ignored for too long. The ship went down and both of you have jumped into your lifeboats at full speed ahead; from the other person! Your handing out no life jackets and boyfriend wishes he had seen the iceberg.......but maybe you should have seen the iceberg as well? Alopecia can make your mind go foggy and you always need to climb the rigging to get altitude and attitude.
Time to meet up in port methinks and the band played on..........
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Permalink Reply by Cindie on
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I'm so sorry these things have happened to you, but I am with TallGirl....get out NOW.....you don't need to have a "second anniversary" with this person.
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Permalink Reply by PaulJ on
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I'd kick him out so fast his feet wouldnt touch the ground.
Give him a second chance ? Why waste your time just waiting for it to happen again, he expressed his deep true feelings (albiet via alchomohol) what are the odds of that changing ?
Whats best for you ? Hang round with him waiting for it to happen the next time he is drunk (of his drunk ass violent friends) or Make a new beginning for yourself and not have incompatible people hold you back.
Take care
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Permalink Reply by MiNAH on
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Reality is that he is caught up in emotion and guilt. So you need to address this within your heart. You are worth more than abuse. Beautiful, special and important. Now you need to understand all these things about yourself. This man is not immature ... as it has nothing to do with drinking or age in the way he acted. Yes, I grant it, that he was over loaded with your worry and sadness. Yet, one needs an empathetic heart ... to know at what stage you are with your growth and acceptance regarding hair loss. Not now after he defiled your worth to a crumb! My ex did this without being drunk, and without me crying about hair loss ... and he was 50 years old. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LET HIM HAVE HIS WAY ... WITH DEGRADING YOU???? You are worth GOLD, and you are a Diamond in the Rough! He does not deserve you. YOU DESERVE YOU!!!!!
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