Alopecia World
www.alopeciaworld.com
What has alopecia taught you about love and intimacy?
What has dealing with alopecia taught you about being in love?
I'm not just asking whether alopecia has somehow improved your love life, but more specifically whether dealing with alopecia has taught you any specific lessons about romantic love and relationship-building.
For example, several alopecians in Alopecia World have mentioned that having to cope with alopecia forced them rethink the importance of physical attraction as well as their concepts of beauty. I've also seen where living with alopecia has helped some of you to genuinely (or finally) understand what "for better or worse" really means.
What else has your alopecia taught you about romantic love, dating, and marriage? Indeed, how might an alopecian use the condition to improve his or her love life?
I'm not just asking whether alopecia has somehow improved your love life, but more specifically whether dealing with alopecia has taught you any specific lessons about romantic love and relationship-building.
For example, several alopecians in Alopecia World have mentioned that having to cope with alopecia forced them rethink the importance of physical attraction as well as their concepts of beauty. I've also seen where living with alopecia has helped some of you to genuinely (or finally) understand what "for better or worse" really means.
What else has your alopecia taught you about romantic love, dating, and marriage? Indeed, how might an alopecian use the condition to improve his or her love life?
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Carmella on
-
I've always been the girl that believed, if you couldn't accept me than you were the one and if I couldn't accept you than I wasn't the one. My husband and I are perfect for each other, he even knew me when I had hair, but not long before it was gone. I think that sometimes he wishes it would grow back, but if he does he keeps that to himself. So it has taught me that sometimes it is better to keep it to yourself. Well that and sometimes I miss having my hair pulled *smirk*
XOXO
CAR
-
Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on
-
Carmella, thanks for your reply.
I certainly didn't expect this to be the hottest topic in Alopecia World, but I'm still amazed that only one person has said a word about the matter.
I've discussed this with my mum alopecic fiancee on a few occasions and said to her that, at the very least, coping with alopecia should teach people to be more sensitive and responsive to the needs of their intimate partners. Indeed, this is the least anyone should learn from personal challenges that, by their very nature, require a lot of understanding, compassion, and support from others. Of course, such sensitivity training augments one's intimate relationship skills because it makes you more selfless and less selfish. Honestly, however, it seems to me that precious few alopecians (and people in general!) tie this invaluable insight to intimacy. :-(
I've read and heard elsewhere that alopecians might learn from coping with their condition that it's what on the "outside," not the "inside," that counts. Yet, this is also one of those things that true only to a certain degree; for while physical attraction isn't all there is to true romance, it's still as essential to true romance as air is to breathing. This is why, no matter what we humans look like, we simply can't shake the desire to be with someone whose looks we like. We also long for our love interests to like the way we look, which is perfectly fine until we permit this desire to degenerate into an obsession. Acknowledgment and appreciation of perceived pulchritude has a proper place in our most intimate relationships; it just isn't wise to permit it to distract and deter us from true love.
From all this, it seems to me that one of the greatest things that coping with alopecia can do for lovers is force them into a revaluation and reorganization of the people, things, and thoughts in their lives. Self included; for as long as one can't see beyond him/herself, one will be unable to see what can make life and love the most meaningful, pleasant, reassuring, empowering and uplifting. In fact, regardless of what we go through as human beings, we still must be able to get beyond self in order to get into our significant others. We must have the capacity to give as much as we expect to receive from our significant others, if we truly desire to receive the highest returns on our personal investments in love.
-
Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
-
I found that dealing with Alopecia has made me more vulnerable -- in a good way.
I have found myself in tears in front of others. In a place of no longer knowing what to do and in need of someone else help. It has given me something that I have to face possible rejection and learn how to deal with those emotions and feelings. It has also made me stop and really look at myself, besides my outer appearance, what else did I have to offer as a woman and a potential partner.
With rj, it shown me true acceptance, as well as how to accept that acceptance. It has shown me what is intimacy and what it is like to allow someone to meet the real me. It has also shown me reality, that what I think will happen will not always be. I know what it is like to be me, in this one area of my life and to have someone who appreciates and love that “me”.
In giving out, my choices in men have shifted. Nice, no longer just means we won’t argue and physical attraction encompasses more than just the body, but also the mind. I see and appreciate natural beauty so differently. A changed life, personal courage, perseverance or standing out on your own, even when no others stand with you has become sexy to me.
-
Permalink Reply by Roger on
-
HI.
I wish I could express myself better in english when it comes to stuff like this. Im a forward person myself and im open about my alopecia when im "dating" girls/women. You learn pretty fast what kind of person they are. Hopefully they like you for who you are as a person and the inside. The love is not in the hair =)
-
Permalink Reply by Lori D. on
-
I think it's helped me to identify the deepest love I could ever find. I wear a wig so my husband didn't know about the alopecia when we started dating. I knew we'd someday be married very soon in the relationship so I wanted to tell him early. There was never any stress about how he'd react to the news. I wasn't worried and had no need to be with him. It was just this thing that had to be shared. With other relationships I totally stressed and sometimes my fears were realized when the schmuck dumped me. I did have other good long term relationships but with my husband I always knew, on a deeper level, that the alopecia issue was about as much of an issue as the style of clothing I wear. I know in my heart that we have a very pure, deep love for one another and our priorities are exactly the same. So I guess that dealing with alopecia has given me a gauge of sorts, if that makes sense. Did I answer the question?
-
Permalink Reply by kastababy on
-
You might want to go ahead and mark the date on your calendars, because you have finally come across a subject that leaves me at a loss for words!!
I honestly can't say what I have learned about relationships in dealing with alopecia. Sometimes I have to ask myself, should I have dated more in high school and college and been less into my books? Sometimes I don't think that would have been a good answer either. Yet just when I think I have an answer that makes sense to me and is neither too negative nor too much like I'm looking at the world through rose-colored glasses, I have to stop, because when I read the response it sounds like a load of bs to my own hypercritical eyes. I know that I want to be loved and respected by my partner, but I also demand brutal honesty from my partner as well, whatever the cost. Because I can't get that kind of honesty, I would just as soon not be bothered with anyone romantically except for the absolute necessities.
So for right now, I will stay silent on this discussion, because I would rather give you a reasonable, well-written response to this topic than a rambling, emotional one.
-
Permalink Reply by sgomez on
-
I haev been married for ten years now. I love being a married woman!! I have a wonderful husband who fully accepted me, even before I accepted myself. Since I was a teenager, I had never had any trouble being in a relationship. I was pretty comfortable w/ myself and my looks. I was also pretty open to my friends about my alopecia. But I always felt very akward about myself in intimate situations. There is just something so vulnerable about giving yourself to another person.Before I got married, I was in a five year relationship w/ someone, and although we were in love, I never felt that I could truly be myself w/ him. He knew that I had alopecia, but he never talked about it, and I don't think that he liked to see me bald. I always felt that I had to wear my wig with him. He was not a very secure person himself. I just remember feeling kind of releived that I didn't have to deal with my alopecia when I was with him. I could just pretend that it wasn't there, just like he did. Needless to say, that relationship ended very badly.
Then, sweet salvation, I met my now husband. We quickly fell totally and utterly in love with eachother. Alopecia was a non-issue. We just knew that we were meant to be. Soon after we started dating, he sat me down, lovingly looked into my eyes and told me to take my wig off. I was like WHAT!!!! I was a silly school girl again with a bad case of the giggles, and turning an unflattering shade of tomato red! He was a rock. He just held my hands and lovingly waited for me to show him my true self. I remember being so afraid and ashamed to let him see me. It took me a good fifteen minutes, or more, just to get the courage to take my wig off in front of him. I kept asking "Why?" and he would just say "because I want to see you. It's okay." When I finally took it off, he looked at me for a minute, and said "You look like you! You are beautiful!" and he has never changed. He still always tells me that I am the most beautiful woman in the world. He gives the best head massages ever, and lovingly calls me his "pelona" (bald girl). He has never, for once, made me feel ugly or akward because of my alopecia. I always feel like a sexy and desirable woman when I'm with him. So you ask, "what has alopecia taught me about love and intimacy?" I have learned through the way my husband treats me, that true love means complete acceptance, flaws and all. He has taught me to accept myself, and has brought out in the open what I had been hiding for so long . He has never made me feel less of a person, and shows me everyday how much he loves me, and I return the same to him. We just love and respect eachother so much, and me having alopecia has only enhanced our relationship. He continually encourages me to embrace my baldness, and I really love him for that. I know that he would never be ashamed of me, or hold me back. We really balance eachother out. His strengths cover my weaknesses, and visa versa. I think that the marker of any great relationship is to never lose focus on making eachother happy and loved, and learning to weed out what can corrupt that.
-
-
Well said sgomez.
-
-
Thanks Cheryl. and thanks to you and RJ for starting this wonderful site!
-
-
I finally have the ability to answer this question.
I met the love of my life 5 years ago while he was home from Korea (he's Army). We hit it off and our souls connected back then in a way that I haven't been able to connect to anyone before or since. The only problem, as I saw it, was that my AA was flaring up again and I didn't think that he would want to be with me because of that. In fact, because we kept in touch via IM and pictures and emails and letters, he saw my gradual progression from a head full of long hair to scarves. He asked a couple of questions, but I would always brush them off and change the subject, because quite frankly, I was ashamed of what I have seen as a deformity.
It took his being deployed to Iraq for me to finally come clean to him about my AA. I figured if the worst happened and he made the ultimate sacrifice in service to our country, the least I could do was be honest and tell him what I was afraid of. Come to find out, he had head of AA before, had been a barber before he went into the military and saw it in men all the time but never saw AA in a woman! We separated shortly after that, and I thought it was because of me and the AA.
It took another tour in Iraq and 2 moves cross-country for us to reunite, and this time we have reunited for all the right reasons. As much as I have loved him, I was not ready for him to love me the way I need to be loved, and as much as he loves me, he had too many other issues at the time to focus totally on being the man I need him to be for me. He has made it abundantly clear since he retired (after a 20-year career) that he never loved me for my looks (although he tells me frequently I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever met.) He fell in love with me because I'm kind, honest, smart, and because in his words, I'm the only woman he has ever been with that loves him wholeheartedly and unconditionally, regardless of how many times he screws up something. Even though we're not legally married yet, it took us reuniting and reconciling the past to realize that we've been married in our hearts to each other from the day we met, and that we can once again find love across time and distance, and in the face of enormous adversity really epitomizes not only the "for better or for worse" part, but the "in sickness and in health" and the "forsaking all others" parts as well.
I have finally realized that love doesn't care how many hairs (or not) you have on your body. Neither does a man who really loves you and wants to be with all of you, flaws included. As much as I have lamented in my blogs and forum postings about not finding anyone ever again, it took my man coming back to me after letting him go to realize that all I ever wanted and needed was in front of me the whole time.
So my advice at this point would be the lesson I have finally learned: Learn to love yourself in spite of AA, and never settle for anyone who WON'T love you because of it. If you love yourself first, then everything else will fall in line.
I'm all smiles just thinking of my man =) =) =)!!!
-
-
Yokasta, I am smiling from ear to ear for too! Sometimes when we don't allow alopecia to be our excuse we can see reality. I know in the past I have pushed men away and for the longest time kept them at bay. But you know rj, he is not afraid of a challenge ;).
-
-
YoKasta, I'm happy that you're happy, and it brings me incalculable delight and relief to know that you've not settled for someone who won't love you because of your alopecia. I wish you a lovetime of bliss, peace, and prosperity. :-)
© 2024 Created by Alopecia World.
Powered by
