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Dating and alopecia
I have had Alopecia for over 20 years, since I was a little girl. So I consider myself a "seasoned veteran" of this disease. For the most part I'm pretty use to it. The unpredictable nature, wearing wigs, the occasional explanation to someone, etc. However, one thing that had always given me anxiety was dating with my alopecia.
I thought that would never be an issue again once I got married, however I find myself back in the dating world and the anxiety is right there with it. Not only is dating difficult to begin with-(especially when you're a parent) but adding the extra layer of.. "oh, by the way.. I lose my hair." to the equation and I almost rather avoid it all together.
When I first met my husband I was not wearing a wig but had patches that I could cover. Since then I now wear a wig full time as my patches are too big.
I find the idea of explaining my wig to someone is more stressful then just saying I have Alopecia. I'm not exactly sure why but perhaps because I'm hiding it and in order to reveal it I need to take off my "mask" (wig).
How do you explain this to someone not only new but that your interested in? How do you determine the right time to bring it up, not knowing how it will be handled? How does one deal with the anxiety Alopecia brings when dating?
You would think I would know these things since I have been through it once, but I find that despite being older, having been married, and growing up with this disease; it still wins at creating doubt and insecurities.
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AW: You may want to also check out the excellent "Third Date Rule" written by Debbi Fuller a few years ago.
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Comment by Lavonia on May 15, 2013 at 8:28pm
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I say just be who you are and tell them right away. never hide it that just makes everything worse then it need to be. Honesty is the best policy in this situation. trust me you will find that special person if you stay true to yourself. You are really pretty too. Remember how you handle the. situation speaks volumes of your personality and self esteem. so say it loud and say it proud i am bald and beautiful. maybe you can start the conversation off with wearing a tee shirt. that has that logo on it. hope i helped some
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i can totally relate to angela's comment , thats exactly whats happening with me & my bf.. hes such an amazing person but i still want my hair back coz ive been going thru this for 6 years and its hard coz theres so many judgemental n cruel ppl out there,, my friend had alopecia for 10 years and she felt there was no hope anymore coz of what the doctors and hair specialists told her, then one day she changed her whole diet n started being healthy, excercised often and did yoga and within 8 months she got all her hair back and it never fell again. my diet is poor and i'm not fit but im going to follow her example coz now im getting older and i dont want to feel weird wen i g0 for sleepovers and have to remove my wig or when people look at me with pity, its not fair but anyways i hope this tip helps url :)
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Comment by Cheryl, Co-founder on May 16, 2013 at 10:51pm
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I personally found it hard to hide my alopecia, not physically but emotionally. I hated the dread of having to tell someone. Eventually, I found it easiest to tell prospect right away. When I stopped wearing head covering it was no longer a problem. Coincidence or not, I met my husband on a social networking site – Myspace ;). All my photos were very apparent that I was indeed bald. My description mentioned that I had alopecia and was a NAAF support group leader in Montreal for alopecia. So everything was out in the open.
I tend to think of it the situation in this way. If you believe that you deserve the same things as a woman with hair, than only a certain kind of man be with a woman who insist on not allowing her alopecia be an issue in her relationships. This man needs to be able to walk besides you at all times. If you wear a hairpiece; know and be able to handle it if you were to decide to remove your covering in the comfort of your own home or amongst friends. In public; with overnight guest, at family events, the local swimming pool, or a change in decision that you no longer wish to wear anything on your head. He needs to be able answer questions to family & friend or to be ok if the topic comes up that you may in fact mention your alopecia. He also needs to be able to stand up for you if an inappropriate comment is made to him behind your back or if needed in your presence. He is a man that can confidently go against the status quo and adore his alopecian woman the same way he does in private, in public.
In other words we are looking for strong, confident men. So, I personally think that although the pickings may be slimmer, we are obviously looking for a superior man. So, I don’t worry about the ones that will struggle with my alopecia, they are not the ones that I am looking for. Alopecia just became my filter.
Alopecia has never been an issue in my relationship with my husband rj. He has never felt a need to explain away or warn people in advance of my condition and has never shied away from being able to voice that he finds me beautiful. That is what I was looking for. He came along and was able to “fit the bill”, so I married him ;)
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Comment by Dame on May 17, 2013 at 8:25am
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Thank you everyone for your comments. It is very inspiring to hear other stories and successful ones at that regarding an issue we all have and will face at some point!
Cheryl, Thank you especially for articulating the way you did on how Alopecia became your "filter" that is a perspective I have not really thought about and really is a great one. So thank you!
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Comment by Paulo Rodrigues on May 19, 2013 at 5:06pm
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Woow,Larisa,... we have to be strong every day that pass,sometimes find someone who supports us very strongly, but it is not always that way. I wish it may go for the best that this life is often unfair, but even if we only can do something to change the current tide of this,that sometimes it is so hard.
Courage, we are here to support you!Everyone of us,had the same story life!...some better, some worse!!...tks!!
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Comment by dreamscometrue on May 19, 2013 at 11:25pm
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Welp, I've got to say honestly, it's never been a problem for me at all. I do wear eyebrow temporary tattoos, a full lace wig, eyeliner etc, and I've dated, got married, got divorced, and ready to date again with no problems. (Need to change my relationship status on my profile as I just separated this past December 2012) what I've found is most men want to know if it's contagious, then it's no big deal. And not to get freaky or anything but I've found most men like their desert 'undressed' if you know what I mean LOL. Definitely have not had any issues with that department. I guess I've been meeting a lot of men that either find me really sexy of they're really freaky, I dunno, but it's working for me with no issues ;)
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Comment by Mattie99 on May 23, 2013 at 3:46am
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Thank you all for your comments. Angela, your story made me cry. I am myself getting out of an 8 year relationship with a guy who has never seen me bald. I always sleep in bandanas and wear my wig during the day and he never pushed the subject, never in 8 years...I think because he could not accept it himself or was worried at what he would see. I am so ready to find a guy who is willing to accept me for me! I know they are out there.
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Comment by Cindie on May 23, 2013 at 10:35am
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Dreamscometrue...you're GORGEOUS...AND probably would be so with or without "hair." Most of us aren't so genetically blessed.
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That's just an avatar not my real pic:) that's Lieutenant Uhura from Star Trek! My fav idol and inspiration:)
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Ha...I thought she looked familiar........I am not a tv watcher, but every now and again...my bad!
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