Alopecia World
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Did things change or am I just noticing them more?
I don't usually blog, but I need to vent...so here I go:
I've had Alopecia for as long as I can remember. My entire life I've dealt with the stares and double takes, just like everyone else. For the most part, it didn't bother me...at all. I would brush it off and not take any notice to it anymore. Walking through the mall or anywhere else, I expected people to look, so I almost stopped realizing when this happened. Why then, is it starting to bother me all of a sudden? It doesn't make any sense.
Since I was little I've always gotten compliments. People constantly tell me how they wish they could be as confident as I am. Strong and confident. Am I strong? Confident? Does not caring what other people think make me confident? Or does it just help me mask the reality of living with a disease that is not "acceptable" (for lack of a better word) in today's superficial world? I don't know anymore.
And who do I talk to? Of course I have everyone on this website and people that I've met at the conventions over the years, but words just don't seem to cut it anymore. What is there to do? I have beautiful wigs, but that's not me. I don't feel like I should hide who I am to please other people. Then what is it?
Maybe it has nothing to do with Alopecia. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm depressed and don't know why. Maybe this is my scapegoat. Again, why? I have a great life: family, friends (I think), a home, clothes, food. I have more than some people unfortunately can only dream about. What am I missing that is making me feel so miserable lately?
Music is my therapy. I just sit and listen. I think about the words and how I can relate or not relate. As I was writing this I had my iTunes on shuffle (I cannot even think without some background music.). "Lucky" by Britney Spears just came on, and I think that is pretty much how I feel right now. "She's so lucky, she's a star, but she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart thinking, if there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?" This pretty much sums up everything I'm feeling right now.
After writing this and reading it over a bunch of times (since grammar and spelling mistakes are a pet peeve of mine even though I know there are still a few in here), I can think of one word to sum it all up: confusion.
(I don't think anyone is actually going to read this, and if you did, I'm sorry for boring you to death with my issues. I'm just not sure what else to do right now.)
I've had Alopecia for as long as I can remember. My entire life I've dealt with the stares and double takes, just like everyone else. For the most part, it didn't bother me...at all. I would brush it off and not take any notice to it anymore. Walking through the mall or anywhere else, I expected people to look, so I almost stopped realizing when this happened. Why then, is it starting to bother me all of a sudden? It doesn't make any sense.
Since I was little I've always gotten compliments. People constantly tell me how they wish they could be as confident as I am. Strong and confident. Am I strong? Confident? Does not caring what other people think make me confident? Or does it just help me mask the reality of living with a disease that is not "acceptable" (for lack of a better word) in today's superficial world? I don't know anymore.
And who do I talk to? Of course I have everyone on this website and people that I've met at the conventions over the years, but words just don't seem to cut it anymore. What is there to do? I have beautiful wigs, but that's not me. I don't feel like I should hide who I am to please other people. Then what is it?
Maybe it has nothing to do with Alopecia. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm depressed and don't know why. Maybe this is my scapegoat. Again, why? I have a great life: family, friends (I think), a home, clothes, food. I have more than some people unfortunately can only dream about. What am I missing that is making me feel so miserable lately?
Music is my therapy. I just sit and listen. I think about the words and how I can relate or not relate. As I was writing this I had my iTunes on shuffle (I cannot even think without some background music.). "Lucky" by Britney Spears just came on, and I think that is pretty much how I feel right now. "She's so lucky, she's a star, but she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart thinking, if there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?" This pretty much sums up everything I'm feeling right now.
After writing this and reading it over a bunch of times (since grammar and spelling mistakes are a pet peeve of mine even though I know there are still a few in here), I can think of one word to sum it all up: confusion.
(I don't think anyone is actually going to read this, and if you did, I'm sorry for boring you to death with my issues. I'm just not sure what else to do right now.)
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Comment by Cara Jakobitz on May 19, 2009 at 12:19pm
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I would be surprised if anyone with any form of AA hasn't felt the way you are feeling at some point in their lives. It is a HUGE challenge I think we all face. I know for me personally I have felt depressed by it many times over the years and I'm sure I will continue to. Just remember how lucky you are to have a great life and people who love you for who you are. :-D
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Comment by Joshua on May 19, 2009 at 12:25pm
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Hi Alex,
I might have too much to say again. Nope, reading your blog has not bored me to death, how could it be if one of my alopecian friends needed a pair of listening ears?
I agree that the society has placed too much on superficial look than it actually worths, and it doesn't mean that when most part of the society is wrong, we should also adhere to the value.
If there is people judging us by how we look or what we have or not have physically, then I feel sorry for them. As I have said in my earlier reply to another post, the works and values of people who hold on in their life will stand the test of time, for they will be remembered for decades, centuries because of their works and inspirations. I couldn't think of one person who is remembered for centuries to come because of their physical attractiveness. Even the prettiest girls and handsomest boys cannot escape the reality of aging and eventually meets death.
Let me set you a story, tulips and roses are planted in city gardens where many people can adore. They bloom into glorious beauty and colour under the breath of spring. People in the city and by the road, would stop by, complimenting the flowers and take pictures of the flowers...etc...but soon enough they fade away and be forgotten.
However, the fruit trees are different. For example, the apple trees, they are not planted in city streets where many people can come and adore, a fruit tree may look like an ordinary tree where people does not appreciate, but when it blooms and bear fruit...the apple tree is the most beautiful of all...and it does not stop just there, the fruits supply nutrients and become food that feed the hunger and provide to the poor, countless people benefit from it.
The society may not think that alopecians are beautiful, we may not be the jewel of city, we may not be "attractive" to a big part of the society. But do not be disheartened and discouraged because I am sure then, when the time comes...you'll realize you're better than many "superficial" people out there.
Talking about Britney Spears, she had all the she has or a person could ever ask for, famous, rich, pretty, a partner, a family but yet it all meant nothing to her because of her poor choices.
At the end of the day, it is the choices we make in life will change everything and not whether we have alopecia or not.
Joshua T.
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Comment by Libby on May 19, 2009 at 4:42pm
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Well said, JT.....very well said indeed.
Libby
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Comment by Alex on May 19, 2009 at 11:26pm
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Thanks everyone....I don't know why, but the last few months have been rough. Not rough in reguards to AA, but just in general. A lot of stress and nonsense has been going on and I think it all together is just adding up. I feel a little better for getting it out there and off my chest.
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Comment by Mari on May 20, 2009 at 5:36pm
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Sometimes life just seems to get that way Alex. And the great thing is, we are here to hear it all even ( and thank goodness) when it is not about alopecia. We all have our normal lives to lead and it is nice when Alopecia is not the main focus. Please share whenever you need to!
And I just have to say- that was the best comparison I ever heard Joshua
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Comment by Tallgirl on May 21, 2009 at 2:52am
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Does this fit? Sometimes a run-in with an old lover, friend, photo of self, or buddy can trigger silent comparisons of me now vs me then. Who or what idea has crossed your mind lately?
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Comment by Cheryl, Co-founder on September 24, 2009 at 9:24am
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I tend to agree with BaldGirlsDoLunch, sometimes I felt and sometimes still sometimes feel that life is just off. Not quite content but can't put my finger on it. There is nothing particularly joyous or negative going on, just a feeling of unrest. So, no I don't feel you are strange or ungrateful, just normal.
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