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I'll think of it as research
This morning still held yesterday's warmth with no doubt that it would be heating up again. It's the first day that I can remember that I went from afternoon, through evening and night and into morning with my head completely bare. I was home, so only my family would have seen me. In the usual mad rush to get lunches made, shoes found and boys off to school (the girl, at two and a half often beats them getting dressed, though I did have to veto wearing her fanciest dress to preschool this morning), I consciously didn't make time to put on hair, and I didn't feel like pulling a cap over my head.
Still it didn't register when I passed our neighbor, already returning from her school run, and waved that she would have seen a bald woman driving my car. Only after I had hopped out at the school curb to urge my kindergartener out of the minivan did I remember that I was bald. Bald. A bald woman. All the parents driving by, some known to me, some unknown yet nearly all familiar, all the kids, anyone could see that I was bald. I ducked my head in the minivan door and then quickly got back into my driver's seat.
I had a medical appointment to head to (my first mammogram--yay!) and thought it would be interesting to go in bald. Well, I'm not sure "interesting" is the perfect word but it does capture the sense of heading into the unknown with trepidation just barely outweighed by curiosity and assertiveness. Of course, I didn't count on driving past an elderly neighbor walking on our road after I made quick stop at home. I smiled and waved but realized my smile was restrained.
When I parked at the doctor's office I hesitated. I picked up a thin cap and tucked it in my bag, telling myself it might be cold inside. I walked up the steps and in the door, and there I was. No one said anything or looked longer or more intently than polite. I wondered, was it somehow in poor taste to walk into a business that, one way or another, deals with cancer with my bald head. Could it be disrespectful of the realities of chemotherapy? But I wasn't there to make a statement. I wasn't there to be a bald woman. I was just there to see if I could go out into the world without my head covered. It was research, I told myself. I could try going bald and see if it worked or not.
How does one know if going bald "works"? I wondered if the nurse's questions about whether I had ever had cancer were somehow more pointed than usual, but I don't really think so. I turned a conversation about insurance deductibles with the doctor into a confession of sorts that I had lost my hair, tying it in by saying I had had lab work done. She commented that she had thought it was just my style. My next stop was Trader Joe's to buy groceries. There was no need for me to go in uncovered. I had at least the thin hat with me, but this was research! I gathered my shopping bags and held my head high as I headed in. My sunglasses lent me some confidence, and I kept them on in the store, noting that at least one other woman had her sunglasses on inside. But when the guy serving samples asked how I was, and I told him I was trying to be brave and why, it seemed silly to hide behind darkened lenses, and I propped them on my forehead. He said he thought I looked good. I told him thank you, but that I was sure I looked better with hair. Still, with his compliment (and the free coffee sample working it's way into my mood) I felt more confident. Did the woman at the checkout offer me a free paper bag for my excess purchases because she felt some pity for me? I will never know.
In a few minutes I will have to go get my daughter at preschool. What will I do? I don't really have to decide about hair or no hair, since a sun hat is called for anyway. Most of the parents know about my hair loss. The teacher, who is a dear woman, is always focused on how thing impact the children, and would probably wish that I looked "normal" for the kids even as part of her curriculum is to encourage their young minds to be open to differences. She would prefer "bald" to be something discussed at circle time and not suddenly appearing the play yard. She might think "bald" was more appropriate subject matter for the pre-K class rather than the little kids. I still don't know if I am a bald woman or just someone whose hair hasn't yet grown back. You and I know that those can be one and the same.
Comment
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Comment by Judy Woolley on May 18, 2014 at 1:16am
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WOW - I could just give you a big hug. I go bald around the home, outside in the garden and to the letterbox and back. My children's friends (albeit my children are 26 and 21) have brought friends home (I have been bald as Kojak since 2008) so their friends are use to me bald. I just so totally understand though that trepidation. I too have thin scarves which I got from Katmandu in varying degrees of colour and shapes which I can just slide on over my head. I always keep one in my handbag in case of emergency aka wig taking flight in windy conditions. I got caught out once, luckily my wonderful husband made a dash for the wayward wig and salvage it before it blew off the wharf and into the harbour, whew!!! I also keep a colourful scarf in my bag that I can wrap around my head, Greta Garbo moving over darrrling. But I have often wondered if I dare go bare.
My husband says I should just go for it as he thinks I look beautiful no matter what. Oh bless his cotton socks. But, like you say although not directly, you do wonder if the "looks" are "oh poor thing ... cancer .... " But you can't help what people think, you have to take the bull by the horns, and just go for it. Maybe one day I will have the gumph to go without the thatch.
My work mates know that I wear a wig and on several occasions we have had a team get together I change to my bandana. I even got a comment from one of the senior members of the team as to why I don't just go naturale. I felt like crying from the kindness.
So, to you, I take my wig off in salute and maybe one day, I will write on here that I have gotten over the "ooooo aaaaarrr mmmmms" and just do it.
Judy Woolley NZ
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Comment by dianna on May 17, 2014 at 8:42pm
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i have thesame problem but i work something out. i wait for the results to see and i let people here to know what to do.this come from insied you body.
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GREAT FOR YOU...YOU ARE ONE AMAZING LADY...I STILL CAN'T GO WITH OUT MY WIG BUT IT'S ONLY BEEN 3 YRS AND I AM VERY AFRAID TOO GO WITH OUT. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS MORE...
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Cinder, good luck to you when you decide to wear the coolest hairstyle ever invented. I like appreciating the small benefits of this condition, and taking my hat off on a hot day and having only cooling breezes on my scalp is one of them.
Jeanette, I love the story of your daughter nudging your friend into a new sense of freedom.
Mark, I am sad to read that you feel alopecia has ruined your life. I know I was spared a lot by not having to go through it seriously as a child. Still, I'm only about 10 years younger than you, so I am not going to accept that life is over at 58. :) You might just have more decisions to make and more interesting things ahead of you. Even as I don't want to be a crusader for baldness, I do feel strongly that simply being out there and being visible can help make something seem more normal.
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My name is Mark Hansen. I am 58, s, Nv Mar, & live on th east side Of MIlw. I have had alopecia universalis, no body hair anywhere, since I was about 15. My hair started to fall out in the 4th grade. My parents bought me a wig when I was 15. I wore one (hid under one) for about 40 yrs until I finally took it off for the last time, 10 yrs ago. As really bad as things were when I was in junior high school, & at times, even these days, the worst symptom of this condition is ignorance, whether its when I am at job interviews, bars, social events, etc. In one way, the blessing is that this is not serious enough that we have to have telethons for it like they do for people with MD. The curse, is the same because very few people know much or a lot about it and the devastating psychological and social toll that it can take on parents, & kinds of any age. I have no magic advise for you. Let people know about your condition when you can. You cant change the world just your part of it. I feel that my condition has in fact to some extent ruined my life. But as bad as things are for me, I'm still here. Take care, Mark Hansen.
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Comment by JEANETTE on May 16, 2014 at 3:04pm
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Amazing what a smile can do or change a mood!! Love the fact that you just went out and it didnt or shouldnt matter GardenJess !! I had no choice but to make that decision for my daughter which is never easy however, truth be said my child is young enough where she isnt conerened with how others would react or judge her, she's only 5! She doesnt have those insecurities and fears we have as adults. I guess because society socially eats away at us on how we should appear to others what discisions are made etc!! Its tru that with courage comes strength and empowerment to change the world!!
My daughter has a show today and i love the fact that i had to ask the question? "Would you like to do it with a wig or not? " She said, ""Today for the show, im not going to use the wig mommy, it bothers me...and you said i was beautiful anyway right mommy!""! I told her today and everyday!!
It seems its so much easier for a child, because they are just learning the ways of the world without the fear!! An adult however is set in her ways already and thats where your questioning everyones' kindness whether the make the assumption that you have cancer or not, doesnt change how you feel about yourself! If your feeling amazing, than guess what your "AMAZING" and anyone who has ALOPECIA, especially those difficult teen years where your still trying to find your place in the world, this is the secret to dealing with that stage in life, "LOVE YOURSELF & DONT WORRY BOUT IMPRESSING ANYBODY ELSE"
Let me end it with, what you stated "You and I know that those can be one of the same!" Either, way you were at a point in your life where your everyday routines were completed and with or without hair!! Your obligations as a parent, a citizen in your community, even in the eyes of a child...."See you as the stronger woman you have become without realizing it!" Because, at the end of the day, its your children and family that love you and look up to you!!
My college friend wanted to do same for so long but was too afraid, of friends and other students judging her or cutting her off. Last summer we had taken some piks in her home to prepare for her "Coming out" but was done without wig in comfort of her home, then later on same day she wanted to take piks in park of my daughter but young girl wanted a wig, wouldnt leave home without it! Darleney, quickly realized my daughter all of a sudden didnt want to take anymore piks with her...so i sat wit my dauhter and asked why??
Jazzlyn my daughter pushed her into a spot!! Lmao, my daughter said to her, you callin me beautiful and brave but your still wearing your wig outside, why? Im outside without a wig!!! This from a 5 year old to a 23 yr old college student! Its because of her fear of loosing her friends and worried about what others thought! It took a 5 year old to remind her, "Your Still Beautiful" For the first time since she was diagnosed, she took it off!!! She said she felt as if a huge weight has bin lifted!!
Its always a pleasure to read others experiences and to also share my own.
God Bless both you and your family!!
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Comment by Cinder B. Rand on May 16, 2014 at 11:22am
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Dear GardenJess, First let me compliment you on such a well written blog. You had me with you through this entire experiment. I am planning on going bald this summer on occasion. As yourself I am a little scared but I think I will use your montra and say the same thing to myself, it's only research, it's only research. Thank you for sharing this. I hope that the people I encounter will be enlightened and kind. Peace Cinder Rand
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Great story and definitely food for thought for me.
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Mava, that experience sounds absolutely horrible. I hope you haven't had to encounter such ignorance repeatedly.
I like having a place to share something as trivial and yet as emotional as what is on my head. Having support (and cautions) is a great bonus. Thanks!
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Comment by Peggy on May 16, 2014 at 9:54am
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Good for you! Thank you for being so... brave! I have had alopecia for almost a year now and have come to know that it truly is just hair and has nothing to do with who I am.
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