Alopecia World
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Supportive Mom
Let me start by saying that I love my Mom to death and she is wonderful to me. She always listens but in this one area, it has taken time for the support that I needed. When I first started having hair loss problems, I had to go see a hair specialist in another city. I really wanted for my Mom to take me, but my grandmother ended up taking me. I started using Rogaine immediately. My hair loss didn't start to really bother me until a few years later when I felt like it was becoming more and more noticeable. As time went on, my part seemed to be getting larger and larger. I would call my Mom and talk to her about it and she would say "it's just hair". I remember one time she even told me I was being vain. In her mind, that may have been the way she could offer support, but I needed a different type of support. I think part of me wanted to feel justified in the way I was feeling. Back at that time, I didn't know of websites like this that could offer the support that I needed. I will never forget... a year ago I went with my Mom to this water park/hotel for a few days. After going swimming, I went to the room to change. I went into the bathroom and I don't know if you all have noticed but the lighting in hotel bathrooms is horrendous! I looked at my hair, and it was like my scalp was shining bright. I started messing with my hair, and no matter how I fixed it, i felt like my scalp was showing all over the place. We all sat down to relax and I brought it up to my Mom. I started crying and she told me again that "it's just hair". Cut to months later, I went to a wig store with a friend and bought my first wig. My Mom was sooooooo supportive that day. She asked me to send her pictures of the wigs I was trying on that day. She lives in a different town than me which is why she was not there. I sent her a pic of the one I bought and she said she loved it. I think she knew it was going to make me feel better. Then a few months after that, she told me she wanted to buy me a wig for Christmas!! I was so excited! She took me to a wig shop where she lives and we were there like an hour trying on wigs! It was so wonderful. I felt like I really had her support. She was asking the sales person questions and finding ones for me to try on. Cut to this week, my Mom watched the movie "My Sister's Keeper". She told me I should watch it because the girl in it wears some neat hair peice that she can braid and wear a hat over it. I thought that was so nice that she noticed it in the movie and told me about it. However, there was a different scene that I noticed in the movie. I don't want to give anything way, but the girl is bald and doesn't want to go outside one day. The girl says "everyone will stare at me" or something to that effect. The mother walks straight into the bathroom and shaves her head! I started crying!! I thought that was so amazing. For all these years, my Mom has told me that "it's just hair". And she has told me she would shave her head in a heartbeat. Sometimes I wish she would shave it for me to show me that if she can walk around with a bald head, so can I. I know there are many women out there who don't need their Mom to do that for them. But I think if my Mom were to do that, that is just the kind of thing that would jump start me to do it also. I can't help but wonder, has anyone out there experienced someone shaving their head for them?
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Comment by Norm on July 22, 2010 at 1:13pm
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Your Mom's comment of "it's just hair" was supposed to be a way of telling you it didn't matter in the great scheme of things... it really IS only hair, and she loves you no matter what. Trouble is, it's a much bigger deal to you, and before you can get to thinking that way and agreeing to it, you have to learn to love and accept yourself no matter what your looks are. Your Mom was too close to realise that... she was trying to jump straight to the good bit!
It's great she's being so supportive now, tho'.... I think she didn't know how to help you before (how awful for her must that have been?), but seeing you doing the wig thing has given her an opportunity to jump in and be positive and make a difference. I bet she's been beating herself up, not knowing what to do for you, while you were slowly coming apart....
Anyway, for what it's worth, I don't think you really need her to shave her head - isn't it enough to know she'd do it if necessary? And, face it, you'd only end up fighting over the wigs ;)
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Comment by Tiffany P on July 22, 2010 at 1:18pm
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Its a wonderful blog and i too have supportive parents that i know i wouldnt have made it this far without them. i have had a couple of poeple offer to do so but i found i didnt want them too because for them to just offer was a nice enough gesture. :o)
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Comment by Alliegator on July 22, 2010 at 1:40pm
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Thank you Tiffany! That is nice that you have had people offer. I know what you mean. If my Mom ever offers, I wouldn't want her to go through with it as well.
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Comment by Connie - Chris' Mom on July 22, 2010 at 2:03pm
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When my son, Chris, first lost all of his hair, my son-in-law, Charles, offered to shave his head if it would help him feel better. I told Chris and he seemed to appreciate the offer, but said no one would notice since Charles' hair was already very short and so blond you don't see it much anyway! But in a continual effort to show support, Charles offered to wear a matching hat to a recent wedding. Chris was refusing to go because he was afraid of all of the attention he would get, as this was the first time he would see all of the extended family since his hair loss. Chris and Charles wore matching black suits and black fedoras. The day turned out wonderful as the attention was switched to Charles and how heart-warming it was for him to make Chris feel comfortable.
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That is a wonderful story!! So sweet!! I bet Chris really appreciated that. Thank you for posting the story.
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Comment by Leslee on July 22, 2010 at 7:12pm
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it is hard for a mother to see their child going through this and know how much it upsets them. I had not seen the extent of the loss and when I did I felt so bad. but... a very big but... I knew that she did not have cancer or any serious health disease. so in a way I felt better knowing that "it is only hair". Perhaps this was the way your mom needed to look at it .she probably did not want to make u feel worse and did not dwell on it. I too have gone with my daughter to the wig shops and I have learned so much. Moms want to take all the bad things away from their children believe me and if she could switch places with you she would as I would too. It's what moms do.
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Comment by Sofia on July 22, 2010 at 9:10pm
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My mom was never supportive when I was losing hair... She owns this cafe and I occasionally visit her. Back in "hat days," she would often roughly grab me by the neck, try to yank my hat off and tell the customer to take a look at her little freak.. She laughed at me when I cried, offered the worst and most unhelpful advice ("you should drink more water" "it's because you don't get enough sleep..." "you should be more like me and eat vegetables" etc). But you know what? It doesn't matter. "To the world you are one person, but to one person you mean the world." My boyfriend has been absolutely supportive, the first time I shaved my head, he was the one to do it. He held me in his arms and kissed my head and said that nothing mattered as long as he had me, cause I was beautiful. My dad took me to the wig shop on the day that I felt most upset. My friends are always there to listen. None of these people have alopecia, nor did they hear of it before me. But love is always there. I'm glad you've got your mom to support you. =)
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Leslee... You are probably right... that is the way she needed to look at it and she didn't want me to feel worse. I think at the hotel she saw the extent of my hair loss. She hadn't dealt with hair loss before. I think sometimes the children want to switch places with the parents too.
Sophia... I'm sorry that your Mom was never supportive. That is horrible she would do that to you in front of customers. I would have been devastated. You are lucky to have a supportive boyfriend! Oh my gosh, that is so nice. I hope I find a man like that one day! Now that you say that about your Dad, I just remembered, my Dad went with me to a wig shop one time where he lives and it was so funny... the sales woman said "Is that your husband". ha ha ha. Then she said "or boyfriend". I said "No, that is my Dad". She was shocked! It made his day! I'm glad you have your boyfriend and Dad! :)
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Comment by Dominique Cleopatra on July 22, 2010 at 10:47pm
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Allie, I know Misery Loves Company but come on you are 27 years old if you want to shave your head you don't need your mother's permission. Isn't it enough that she is loving and supportive of you. I would never expect someone to shave their head because I'm bald, in fact I would never allow it. It's like asking someone to quit their job because you got fired. I hope I'm not being too harsh but it just sounds kind of silly to me.
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Susan... that is so sweet. I bet that was a very touching moment. Thank you for sharing.
Dominique... If that is what you think, then that is what you think. Not everyone will get what I am trying to say and that is fine. Sometimes, I just like to talk about what happens in my life in my blog.
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