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When to tell a love interest that you have alopecia
When should you tell a person that you're dating, married to, or interested in that you have alopecia? Or, to pose the question quite differently, do such people have a right to know about your condition and, if so, when should you tell them? If for some reason you don't think it's their business, let's also discuss this perspective.
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Alopecia World: You may also want to check out this discussion on the topic.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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I can acutely identify with your friend and what she experienced. Growing up, it was always the black children who were the most cruel and ostracizing toward me. Their parents were not much better; their silent consent was all those children needed to continue to make me the butt of their jokes and feel free to physically and emotionally harass me throughout my school years. In fact, the only fights in school I ever got into were fights specifically to defend myself from the boldest bullies who thought it would be funny to snatch my wigs off.
In a marked contrast, the white children I went to school with were ALWAYS more accepting of my condition. I can hardly recall any of the white children I went to school with ever teasing me about my hair, or trying to invade my personal space for a laugh, or even excluding me from any activities. As a result, I always gravitated toward these children when making friendships, because it was only with these children that I could actually find things that we had in common, such as passions for music, art, history, politics, sports, etc.
As an adult, I have often reflected upon why it is that black children were always so mean and whites, Asians, and other Hispanics like myself were not. Even today, I have far more black friends than I did in high school, yet I find myself always holding back from them -- I never let any one of them get too close to me, or share any of my deepest concerns about my hair and how it is now affecting my life with any one of them. I wondered why, until I noticed from personal observations and general conversations that here in the US, African-Americans are SO fixated on looks and whether or not you have "good" hair or whether or not it's all yours or if it's weave that they tend to use this criteria to make judgments about everyone they come into contact with. If you don't have the right look, right hair style, right nails, etc, etc, you might as well become a hermit and stay away. It's one thing to say that looks don't matter, but unfortunately, in this society, they actually DO. The other ethnic groups I grew up around actually paid more attention to the kind of person I was on the INSIDE, and once I had dazzled them with my personality, intelligence,and wit, whether I had hair or not didn't matter.
Shame is a powerful thing. Deep down, even though my mother is my biggest defender regardless of what I wan to do, I am convinced that deep inside she is ashamed of how I look and that I have alopecia. She has never once had to say this -- I see it in her insistence upon my never leaving the house with my head uncovered, or her reluctance to talk to me about it now. It is because of this feeling of shame and the need to hide my "dirty little secret" that I don't even want to date, because I know that when I do tell him that I have alopecia, then that will be the end of our relationship.
I would really like to hear your friend's story. Please encourage her to join our site, that way we can support each other!
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Permalink Reply by Shemika on
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I will definately talk to her about joining, but she is very busy right about now. She's going to a community college right now, about to take classes in the summer in hopes to get into a university in the fall. But she should have enough time on her hands to stop in every once in a while. I will definately share the site with her asap because I really think this is what she needs.
Back on topic though, I think this is pretty sad, but you do have some valid points (not stating that all kids are as you or I said) but it is something that is very common. I wish that there was some way I could raise awareness in the schools where I am to try to stop the bullying on kids with alopecia or any condition that makes them different.
Also, I don't know your situation with your mom, but I do believe that her feelings are possibly still in motherly protection mode. Its probably that she doesn't know how to communicate with you on something she (herself) is not suffering from. She basically feels that she is doing her part by protecting and shielding you from the cold cruel world by making sure that you don't go outside without your wig on, not knowing really how that is making you feel on the inside. She won't know unless you tell her. You need to open up a floor of communication with her. I can give you a perfect example: So I just got a dvr in December so i've been going crazy recording almost every show that I can't catch for whatever reason. This morning I watched a Tyra Show episode that was on it. The episode was about mothers and the difficulties of motherhood. This one mom mentioned that she felt pretty much less sexy or attractive after she had her baby who she stayed at home with while her husband worked. Whenever her husband would come home from work, some days, he would say 'hey babe let me take her (the baby), you look TIRED'. To her, it felt awful, like he was just adding onto her feelings of feeling unattractive. He was even telling her this on days she didn't feel tired. But to him, as the husband, he probably felt he was being supportive, doing her a favor, or etc. and he will continue to do this until and unless she informs him that she doesn't like it when he says those things.
Now I know thats a totally different senario but you sort of put me in the mind of the mom when you say those things about your mom. I think she really genuinely cares but she doesn't know how to talk to you, and you haven't told her how you are feeling. Solution: Go out to dinner one night and talk it over. I bet you will see this in a whole different light once she knows how you feel.
:)
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Permalink Reply by Rebeka on
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Of course, with something that is such an integral part of who we are, the people that we let into our lives deserve to know. It's not just a right, it's another level of trust that we allow these people to be a part with us. If we are going to share our minds, bodies, lives, or even something as simple as living with a roommate or friend (romantic or unromantic) I think it all depends on the level of the relationship. But if you become serious about someone, though, and Alopecia really isn't anything that you can change about yourself, then finding out if this person has the intelligence and respect to handle your condition may be something that you need to find out early rather than later. I think the most important part of it is to share it along with plenty of education so that they understand what exactly it is. Coupled with how you present it to them at the right time, I think that anyone can accept this beautiful trait! While the hair itself doesn't make us who we are, it is a part of us, and I think it's important to share that with anyone that we let into our lives! :-)
Take care, everyone!
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Permalink Reply by Mama B on
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I remember all the emotions that went along with trying to survive in the dating world and trying to hide my alopecia. I wore a wig all the time when I was dating, and didn't disclose my alopecia to the men, unless the relationship went on for some time & became serious. It was kind of funny-each time someone would go to reach for my beautiful blond (and fake!) locks, I'd duck out of their reach & make a quick joke or comment to try to divert their attention! I only disclosed my condition to two men, and the second one is now my husband of 10 years. He was so supportive of me and even though I feared he would end the relationship once he knew, he only became closer. Ironically, as we were dating, I experienced total regrowth & actually had a full head of my own hair on our wedding day!!!!! I began to lose it again after the birth of our first child, and again with our second & am now in a wig again.
It's really a personal decision on how you feel about revealing your alopecia. For me-I had low self esteem & the alopecia pretty much made me hit rock bottom at that point of my life. I wasn't comfortable without the wig, as I wasn't completely bald, but didn't have enough hair to go without one. I was very self-conscious. I still am, but today I have the love and support of a wonderful husband & children. If the person is the "right" one for you, they won't care about the alopecia.
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Permalink Reply by Nektaria Kazakopoulou on
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Hi!!
I have had alopecia mostly ON and off since the age of 14! At the age of 21, it started coming back, and STAYING!!
Had 12 years of a 95% full head of hair. 3.5 years ago, though, alopecia struck again! Universalis, as it had in previous times too! I was dating a younger guy at the time, who said he accepted it, but I wore my wig the whole time when I was with him.... (it sometimes became very uncomfortable for me.... especially trying to sleep in the wig).
He couldn't bare to even look at the "head", the wig stand I had in my room, he said it used to freak him out, so going bald in front was WAY out of the question!!! I wasn't in love with him, but I think it might have attributed to my added loss of self esteem. I haven't been able to date anyone since I broke up with him.
Actually, I don't even feel comfortable flirting with a guy either!! (even though, most people don't realize that I do wear a wig), I do find the fact that people's eye's keep wondering to my hairline as they speak to me, very frustrating!
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Permalink Reply by brian kirchman on
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yea well couldint really hide it i was bald with in 6 months and the girl i was with couldint take the change in my apearence cant blame her really. i looked alot dif than i did and turned sour for a bit i was a real ass my self esteem went to crap....i was not a pleasant person to be around
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Sounds like it's her loss!!!
I always wondered how much different it would be for a man to deal with alopecia; personally, I think bald men are sexy as hell!!! But women have always been held to a different standard -- since biblical times, St. Paul (the chauvinist) has said "a woman's hair is her glory" or some narcissistic crap like that, and women have been degraded, hated on, teased, and downright ostracized for not having long, luxurious hair. That just really eats me up to have to deal with that on a day in, day out basis!!
Nowadays, when I meet someone, I approach them in my natural state -- no wigs, maybe a scarf. I make sure I get to know them first and become friends first. If they can accept me as a friend and then approach me in spite of my alopecia, then that makes things easier. But if they can't deal with something as simple as a scarf, then to hell with them!!!
I'm curious to know from a man's perspective, what makes your appearance as a result of alopecia so different than if you voluntarily went and shaved your hair off as a fashion statement???
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im sure its about choice i really liked my hair and i loved my side burns. i had shavede my head before and liked it but it was a choice and not forced on me.........the bigest dif tho is me haveing AU and not just AA so i dont have any eyelashes or brows......i think if i could have kept those i would have been fine.....im alot better with it now im geting used to my face
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From your pictures I never would have guessed that your eyelashes and eyebrows were gone too. So have you ever dated since your breakup after your diagnosis???
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nope i have been single so far since the AU and breaking up. i dont know if its my self esteem or being self consious about how i look but i dont really talk to girls much anymore
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I feel you about the eyebrows and eyelashes!!
I've had AU in the past.... and kept the damn eyebrows and lashes.... so I think this time..... I KNEW my hair was going to all go..... I prayed to keep the eyelashes and brows...but ... that was not to be......
I wanted to have them tatooed before they were all gone.... but didn't manage to.... so now I pencil them in every day.... most times.... people dont notice... unless they are upclose for a long time. I also wear false eyelashes on the upper lid.... it is a bit of a shlep.... but after soooo many years.... I am used to it.
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Permalink Reply by Matt on
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It's true, the hairless look can be more natural for a man, as it's really just another mostly-accepted style.
Having said that, shaving my head is not something I'd ever do willingly, as it doesn't complement my personality.
When people first meet me they immediately assume I'm super-extroverted and "out there" since I have such a bold look, but that's far from the truth. There's always some awkwardness when they realize how quiet and reserved I am.
Anyways, the bald look may be "sexy" for a guy, but in my experience girls tend to be more attracted to confidence, and losing your hair unwillingly, especially when the resulting look doesn't agree with who you feel you are, can have a substantial, negative effect on that.
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