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Hair loss affecting a marriage -- am I the only one?
I'm not sure what I'm hoping for -- advice?? Someone else who knows what I'm going through?
But I'm surprised I have not seen this mentioned anywhere, or maybe I missed it.
My hair loss has really affected our marriage. My husband says he has a hard time finding me attractive anymore, and it's obvious from his actions as well. Obviously this has all kinds of ramifications.
How do other people cope with this??
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by kymkym on
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Dee Dee,
I wholeheartedly feel like you do. I dictate my beauty and I walk around everywhere with my head held high with much confidence. BALD IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!
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Permalink Reply by GardenJess on
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I want to say that I am proud of you, but somehow that sounds silly to write. You have described what sounds like the place I want to arrive at, where bald is not only OK but beautiful. I don't know quite how to explain it, but when I look in the mirror with nothing on my head, I see my features fully revealed, and I see an inherent femininity, and if I adorn myself with hair or earrings, something seems to be lost. I don't like having no hair, but I like how it is all about the eyes (or whatever else) when the head is bare. When I see videos of someone with alopecia with and without a wig, I tend to think she looks more beautiful without the hair.
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Permalink Reply by chris for hair on
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WOW! How powerful is this?? A woman that has succeeded in a field that embraces outer beauty, yet she was strong enough to show such vulnerability and expose herself in a public forum, bald. Wish we all had such courage!
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It was very difficult for me to accept that I was losing my hair. My husband told me from the minute I lost it, I am with you through thick, thin and anything in between. Guess what? He kept to his word even when I was pushing him away. He even shaved his beautiful curls to show solidarity with me. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt if my husband had shunned me or no longer wanted me, I would be okay. I love myself too much (even with a bald head) to stand beside anyone who clearly did not want me.
Only having your side of the issue it is difficult to give a balanced response. Talk to your husband. Commend him on being honest about his feelings. It must have been difficult for him to say it knowing it would hurt your feelings. Also, if your marriage was or is in turmoil your hair loss just added to the occuring challenges. Are you acting/behaving differently because you are upset-depressed about your hair loss? Are you beyond counseling? If you can not change him, you can truly change yourself and your outlook on your hair loss. Seek individual counseling, make it a point to have positive people around you.
Hope this helps.
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Permalink Reply by SweetlyFree on
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What beautiful words to cherish!
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Permalink Reply by Angelica on
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It's very heart breaking to hear this, and I have thought about this subject many times before.when I met my husband I had all my hair but I had lost it several times before. About 2 years before we got married I had lost all body hair but this did not affect him. This was the first time he had seen me with out hair, and has always been supportive. I am not comfortable with how I look with out a wig so I wear mine everywhere but at home. When I walk threw my door when I come home from work my husband slips off my hair and kisses me. This is the support we all need and hope you can find with your spouse. If my husband had not accepted me as is(even if I do put on a 'mask' during the day) I think I would first give it time then close the door to a new chapter of my life. You need support, if not it could break you. Don't let something from the outside change what's you on the inside. God bless
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Angelica, you are a blessed woman!
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Permalink Reply by Cinder B. Rand on
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Dear Jenny, Let me say wow and wow again. Of course you should perhaps go to therapy and see how things unfold. Here are a few of my thoughts about things, please forgive me if I sound a little harsh. I myself have Alopecia all over my body and I got this about 7 plus years ago. I mean although I know that this affects the people around us that we love and share our life and bed with but…the bottom line is it affects us (personally) the most. We are the one’s who have to be ok with it NOT anyone else. We are more than our hair and that is for sure. Look at the amazing people that we are connected with on this site! Jenny I am so sorry that he is making you feel this way. This is not what you need at all in your life and maybe if he does not come around you will hopefully be able to move on from him and anyone that makes you feel like this. I mean we need people there for us. This is our hair and I know it sucks but it is our hair. What would he do if it was worse and you lost a breast from cancer as many of us have? Could he really be there for you? I know this is not what you might want to hear but I try to look at the picture even deeper and bigger. I look at people so different then I did 7 plus years ago. I see such beauty in such a different way. We all know this for sure…it can happen to anyone at anytime for no reason at all. I imagine you would have not blinked an eye if it had happened to him. Please consider this. I hope I have not offended you or anyone with my words. Please know that we are here for you Hugs and Peace Cinder
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Permalink Reply by withhope on
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Me too I'm sure there are plenty of people going through the same thing
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Hi Jenny-
I'd have to agree with what another poster said, that your husband's response made me mad, but not just a little. They say all women go into marriage believing their husbands will change, and all men go into marriage believing their wives never will change. Not the real world I'm afraid.
Most days I wear wigs or a hat. My DH and I have been together 42 years, and his only remark about the hair loss is that he's happy it takes me less time to get dressed to go anywhere.
You deserve better. That may mean counseling (for the both of you if he'll go) or possibly even looking elsewhere. I wonder if your husband realizes what a position he has put you in.
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I'm sorry to hear this. If there is one thing, I've never felt, is unattractive to my husband. I'm 45, and lost my hair at age 3. So, my husband, and I chose each other, and this was part of me. He's my best friend, my very soul. I don't remember hair, so for me, a wig is just like clothing, and I need the warmth , I'm so cold natured. We really don't talk about it much, but he does make me feel beautiful, on a constant basis. It's just never been an issue. I'm probably in a different place than many of you, whom it happened to later in life. As I type, I'm in the hospital with my husband, who is most likely losing his eye to cancer. How is this any different ? Why would I find, the person I love, less attractive, etc. if he loses his eye ? I would be devastated if I lost him, over this...so, in my opinion, who cares about hair, or an eye ? There are bigger issues out there.
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Permalink Reply by Sharon on
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I truly understand your situation. When my husband and I got married over 40 years ago I had a beautiful full head of hair. I still have a beautiful full head of hair, I just put it on everyday. My hair fell out after the birth of my first child, and I have spent most of that 40 years putting on hair every day.
It is difficult to accept the reality of alopecia and the fact that no one seems to be able to tell you why your hair is falling out and if it will come back. All anyone with alopecia wants is to make sure that those we love still love and accept us just as we are. For those of us with alopecia there is little to do but accept our situation but for those around us it can be just as traumatic a change.
My husband never really told me he didn't find me attractive, but it made sense to me that his feelings of attraction would change, after all my appearance had changed a lot. He was sensitive enough not to say anything negative, and wanted me to do what made me comfortable. He was concerned for my health because back then there were no support or information groups available. Most doctors, mine included, had never encountered this so we had no idea where this would lead.
I think it is amazing that you are so comfortable in your own skin that you don't mind going without your hair. Personally I am not, I don't really even like to look at myself wigless let alone go out shopping without hair. I admire those that do.
That said, it may be time for you to consider how he feels. Even though you are accepting the loss and adjusting to the change, he is not. You need to give him some time to catch up to you. By wearing a wig when he is around you are saying to him that you care about how he feels and are willing to help him adjust to this, even though you are more comfortable doing otherwise. He is not necessarily rejecting you, as much as he just doesn't know how to put it all into perspective. I see this in the same light as any other change to the body, loss of a limb, a mastectomy, both change our appearance. As individuals we need to accept the change and then help
those we love do the same. For some, like our children we will always be the same, but for others it takes time.
Marriage is difficult even without life's inevitable challenges. There will be times that you will carry the burden of keeping things together and there will be times when he will be the one to sacrifice what he feels for what you need. Life is full of surprises and I can guarantee you that there will be times when he will surprise you with his sensitivity but right now you need to help him accept this new you. Even though wearing a wig when he is around seems like a costume, to him it says you want to make him happy. You are simply making the transition a little easier for him and over time it will be easier for him to accept you as you do.
People always think that marriage is a 50/50 proposition however, it really is more like 100/100. Two people giving 100% to the other person even when the other person may not deserve it at the moment. If you are truly comfortable with your hair loss, don't let it be the thing that comes between you and your husband.
As a caveat, if he has become mean or abusive about your appearance or if he has used it as an excuse to find someone else, all bets are off, he is not worth the effort. Since I don't know your situation and how serious it may have become, I don't want to make you feel like you deserve to put up with any of that sort of behavior. It sounds like he is a nice guy just struggling with a difficult situation, if there is more to it, seek greater counsel than from this site.
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